Andrew Carnegie

Andrew Carnegie is renowned in the America of the U.S. for being rich and therefore a successful capitalist before capitalism had rules and after capitalism was bad.

Life

Born to John Jacob Jingle-Carnegie and his first wife, Aunt Sam, Andrew grew up in the bowels of the U.S., specifically somewhere just east of the middle of nowhere, where he, at a very young age, learned the secrets of business by looking at how his family's sheep followed a leader that would eat all the delicious succulent green for himself and not share. Thus, capitalism was born in young Andrew's mind. At school, he made sure he was the teachers' favorite, and received many candies and bonuses that other children would struggle for. Once, one of his teachers was prepared to marry him to her second-born daughter.

But when his parents divorced because Aunt Sam decided to become Uncle Sam, Andrew was devastated. For once, something he could not control. He asked why tis had happened, and his dad replied: "Give me money and it would've been fixed." (Later, John Jacob Jingle-Carnegie remarried to Esmeralda deSantis Fiorella Blanca Hombre Heimer-Smith, and officially changed name to John Jacob Jingle-Heimer-Smith.)

When he was finally old enough to participate in the stock market, Andrew amassed a fortune in the competitive unicycle-riding feather-dusting industry. However, in order to save face in the pre-post-industrialist era, he claimed he was a giant in the steel industry. To further this statement, a close friend of his started the Carnegie Steel company and it quickly became popular just because people said it was.

Death

While there are no written, spoken, or forcefully ejaculated records of Andrew Carnegie's death, it is possible to recreate the circumstances using Nosferatu's predictions and the two-cents of competitive unicycling feather-dusters. Using these methods, one can deduce that Carnegie was in his armchair in is late 80's, reminiscing about his feather-dusting days. However, as he was reaching for his glass of cognac, an earthquake, a hurricane, and a solar eclipse all occurred on a Monday at 3:00 pm, signaling the end of the world was nigh. Carnegie, distressed, drowned his glass and accidentally drowned himself. Unfortunately, he forgot that Daylight Savings Time had gone into effect, and therefore was NOT a Monday at 3:00 pm, and so the world was not done for. But Carnegie was. Later, his wife Esmeralda deSantis Fiorella Blanca Hombre Heimer-Smith III found him dead, presumably of his toenail fungus, she thought.