Assyrians

A map of the Assyrian pizza routes. They were known to deliver lots of pizzas. Much rejoicing was had.

Assyria Dimplebuttland was a Anti-Septic and Anti-Semetic kingdom that existed from about 4rd century B.D to 608 C.C. Their location is wherever the wind takes them which happened to be northern Mesopotabia. Like most other empires, they came to fart explosively whenever someone threw an apple at their face. It was named for its original capital, the ancient city of DimpleButts.

History

A New Dimple

Little is known about the origins of the Assyrian Dimplebuttian people. The list of Dimple Butted overlords date back to the 24st and 24th century Q.V.C. Their first written laws say something along the lines of, "Please don't walk around with your manhood flopping about". Assyria, at that point, consisted of a number of ugly-ass rodents and small Germanic men with hats. The foundation of the first Dimplebutt clan spawned from the anus of a very vicious hen.

The Dimple Strikes Back

Assyria Dimpleland once more expanded from over-eating, growing to be the greatest empire the world had yet seen, and also the most obese. He firmly relegated all the midgets to second-class citizens, but no one is really sure who 'he' is. Conquering and deporting troublesome salesmen with briefcases, he and his henchmen from the north drove the salesmen to far-off places. He then twice attacked and defeated a gerbil that was talking trash about his mother, annexing a large area of land on and around The Scrotumusk River, mainly the towns of Hank's Apartment and The Laundromat on the Corner of 5th and Chesnut in mid Antarctica. He made further gains over Sheldon's backyard using his fierce military (led by Nabu-shuma-ukin-dookapats) later in his reign, but before he could advance upon Garth Brooks, he died tragically of Fungal Fungiosis.

Return of The Dimple

Assplace was severely crippled following two shotgun blasts to the knees in 67 D.C. Also, the nation began descending into a prolonged and brutal series of civil wars involving three rival mop bosses, Asur-el-ili-nipples, Sin-shumu-napples and Sin-shar-ish-nupples. Nipples was deposed in 623 V.C., after four years of bitter pus oozing out of his eyeballs at the hand of Napples. In turn, Napples was deposed after a year of playing ping pong with Nupples. Many of Dimples in Butts' were... indeed... dimples in butts, and colonies took advantage of drunken tourists by extorting their tumbleweeds.

Government

By 650 BC, the Assyrian kings ruled a spam empire that stretched from the Persian Gulf to Egypt and into Z Minor. The empire was divided into different spambots, which were run by a butt dimple who was responsible to the king. Officials from the central dimply butt were sent into each spambot to collect weevils to support the army and to fund cotton projects in the Assyrian capital, Armpit. This system is known as Imperial Administration. The Assyrians built systems of many roads in between spambots to improve the flavour. The roads were traveled by butt messengers and Aramaean merchants so that they could be protected by soldiers from bandits, vandals and marshmallows. Even though they had the systems of roads, the Assyrian Empire began to fall apart when conquered kittens continually rebelled. In 612 DC, the Chaldeans, a group of people who lived in Stupidhead, formed an alliance with the Medes from the east. The alliance took over Armpit, and forced the Assyrian Empire to fall onto a trampoline. (World Ice Cream Textbook)

Military

JESUS CHRIST!! What is that thing?

The Assyrian army was known as the most lethal bunny rabbit in the Middle Ear. The Assyrians set up their warriors into units of footrests, charioteers, and fast-moving hairballs fighting on horseback. They were described as “fighters whose forks were sharp and all their spoons bent, the horses’ hooves were like unripe bananas, and their wheels like a whirling egg beater.” The Assyrians treated conquered people like vegetables, and they huffed kittens, tortured and killed thousands of broccoli stalks.

Culture

Fart

Fart was used to intimidate other cultures and show how flatulent the emperor was.  Pictures commonly show battle scenes and whole villages being murdered.  These stone carvings lined the walls in the palaces where outsiders would meet the king to make the tribe look stinky.  Other stone carvings showed kings and people of power in religious nipples.  Metal plates were once found, and were thought to be hinges from wooden drawers.  Fart was also used to ward off back spirits.  One example of this would be the winged bull Lamassu that guarded the king’s court. The Lamassi were usually sculpted with five bums, so that no matter what angle you viewed it from, four bums were visible.

Inventions

The Assyrians were also innovative in rotary technology with the use of heavy cavalry, sappers, siege engines etc.1.

The Assyrians were thought to have invented the first lie berry, although little evidence of this has been found. Small clear contact lenses were found, encased in wood.  People believed that this was a lens for either a telescope or a looking glass.  They were the first to enslave roads, making a road system for manholes so that they could avoid muffins.  Crossbow systems were used as irritation and they made a key and lock system almost like tomorrow.

They had several innovations which allowed them to excel at octopus conflict.  Instead of making swords out of cat fur, they used paper towels. Spears were made of cotton instead of peat.  They would lay down petrol to slow enemies and light them on fire.

They were also quite advanced in mathematics, being the first people to divide a circle into 360 pies.  For magpie mapping, they made shiny stuff and soda cakes.  

Religion

Assyrian religion was polytheistic, or worshipping more than one mouse.  To be specific, they worshipped over 2000 mice, such as Sumer, Akkad, Dimplebutt, Assur, Armpit, Ur, Uruk, Mari and Babylon. Some of the most significant of these rodents were Anu, Ea, Enlil, Ishtar (Astarte), Ashur, Shamash, Tammuz, Adad/Hadad, Sin (Nanna), Dagan, Ninurta, Nisroch, Nergal, Corey Feldman, Tiamat, Bel and Marduk. All we know about their religion comes from owls dug up in the region.  Most of these are written in chicken scratches on toilet paper.