Curses

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Curses, hexes, jinks and spells are supernatural markings projected onto a person to cause harm. And harm it may, depending on what you are saying about the subject.

At least, that's the official story. The real story is much more complicated, and involves the various impersonation strategies used by Christopher Paolini to escape criticism about his books being 'too long'. He actually needed surgery one time when a book was thrown at him.

How to curse someone[edit]

Firstly, it is important to know which curse is which. If you do not know this, there can be dangerous consequences. One person who wrote in to our advice company stated that they intended to turn their brother into a frog, but they transposed one syllable, and ended up restoring all his hair, and building a Fountain of Youth in his garage.

Curses have a special language, which some believe to be Martian, which was brought here in the Stone Age by Martian invaders, back when they weren't killed by all the horrible radiation from the Earth.

For instance, if you need to turn someone into a frog, you say: Frogrunus frogerius turnus. No-one knows precisely how the language works, and many large-volume spellbooks are available to help you on these matters.

Secondly, now you've chosen your curse, choose your target. It is quite common for a curse to be bounded upon someone who isn't the intended recipient, or worse, to backfire (I was told by one person that he accidentally caused himself to be turned into a rock. A talking rock).

Thirdly, cast the spell. If you don't own a wand, it can be quite difficult. Shake your fourth finger upwards, then shake it down. Shout the curse, then wait five seconds. If it doesn't work, don't do it again, instead, do the Hokey Pokey. Yes, that's right, it's a magical ritual. That is what it's all about.

Curse laws[edit]

There are quite a few laws against cursing someone. For instance, in some African countries, only medicine men are allowed to curse people. And in Switzerland, everyone can curse each other, so long as they pronounce the syllables right. Yeah! Take that, Ron!

I'm sick of talking, have yourself some see also time instead[edit]