Cyborg

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My mother was a Prius. My father was a human male.

I am half man, half machine. A cyborg, if you will. Once I was born, the glory of God smiled down upon me because He saw that I was good. Of course, this was the Christian God. The Hindi gods did not like me because I required some small maintenance every fortnight. This was impossible for me to do on my own, making me quite dependent on others. I was promised a service from some of Christian God's angels as part of a Heaven program for human breakthru inventions, but the angels never arrived. I soon broke ties with Christian God, and it was only after applying for help from Hindu gods that I realized not everyone liked me. I still go through life as an outcast and a freak.

History[edit]

My father had sexual relations with his Prius in the year 1995. Thanks to a magical fusing of mechanical parts and human tissue, I was born that year from my mother's dipstick. Gooey, shivering, and no bigger than a little peanut, I slowly grew into a fully functional cyborg. My father loved me, but was torn apart by the death of my mother in 2006. She had been beaten up pretty badly over the years and got oil on his driveway. After she died, he felt huge amounts of guilt for not treating her well enough.

Scientific Bill Gates Testing[edit]

I went on to be tested in a lab many times. Because I was Microsoft compatible, the Old Great One Bill Gates himself came to inspect me. His glasses were actually much bigger than they seem in photos, so I was naturally quite frightened by the man who I assumed was a large insect. His tentacles did not help either. He inspected me personally in personal places, and I was left feeling a bit odd. Gates was then informed that I was capable of feeling emotions, and this shocked him so much that he ended up leaving the room. I was left to be inspected further. They tried feeding me toothpaste, which caused some interesting results. It automatically gave me kung fu skills and I was able to make a living for a while by beating up kung fu masters from around the planet. I fucked them up realgood.

Cambridge Water Balloon Festival[edit]

Because I possess much more stamina than the normal person, I was present at the Cambridge Water Balloon Festival of 2003. This is a big get together in Cambridge where a bunch of smelly teenagers, and I guess some older folks go and throw condoms full of water and fruit juice at each other. I helped pass out the grape juice condoms, and here I met the love of my life. Inevitably, the condoms being thrown stimulated everyone's sexual drive so much that big orgies would break out right there on the Cambridge lawns. I didn't think I could get caught up in this, being only partly human, but when a rogue condom hit my thigh, I turned to see the most beautiful woman of all time, period. She was right there and had thrown the condom, and in a flash animal instinct took over and we did naughty things right there amongst all the other copulating students and teenagers. What a wonderful time, the 60s! Oh, wait. This was 2003. Which of course meant the two of us fell in love and I contracted HIV.

Marriage[edit]

I married the love of my life in 2004, the best year ever. We bought a house and a cat and lived quietly for about two days. Then my wife began nagging me for a kid. I tried to explain to her that because I was a cyborg, there would be complications but she would have none of it, and called up a very experienced doctor, Doctor Henry Pursefuck who was a leader in one of the newest forms of medicine at the time, indirect medicine. This system allowed the doctor to focus on writing step by step manuals of procedures and providing the right instruments so that patients could essentially care for themselves. Pursefuck hoped to create a system where all doctors did was hand patients the right care package, and move on to the next one in need. He gave us a very poorly written packet that explained how we could impregnate my wife properly. My semen contains some harsh chemicals including some motor oil, so precautions had to be taken. She had to wear a large plastic suit while we did the sexuals and place tinfoil on her breasts. Strangely, Dr. Pursefuck was present to properly place the tinfoil on my wife's breasts. We then went for it, and afterwards a miracle popped out a few days later. It seemed my machineness had created a super baby with accelerated growth. He was even less of a machine than I was, but we loved him all the same.