Deaf, Blind, Smelless, Touchless, and Tasteless - The Story of Thomas Edwards

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Chapter 1 - Really? A Story about this?

Born in New York in 1987, Thomas Edwards was not a normal man. I didn't need to tell you this because you can read the title. He was deaf, blind, smelless, touchless, and tasteless (It does occur to me that smelless and touchless aren't words AND tasteless isn't used correctly but frankly I don't give a damn). All he could do was move which was hard because he had no idea what he was doing (Spoiler alert: He saves the world). He would sit on the couch watching reruns of Leave it to Beaver all day (although he was unaware of this). Thomas' parents couldn't care about him because they had to take care of their other 12 perfectly normal children (Named Thaddeus, Troy, Terrance, Thor, Timothy, Torrin, Tammy, Tabatha, Theresa, Trisha, Tanya, and Taelor because they were those annoying alliterative-naming parents).

While his parents were caring for the other T's, Thomas would sit and wait for someone to occasionally shove food down his mouth at which point his throat would occasionally swallow. His cruel parents would normally feed him dog food to save money. Years later, they realized they were in fact, WASTING MONEY because they didn't have a dog and had to go out of their way to buy dog food. Needless to say, Thomas didn't go to school, nor did he have one of those miracle teachers that Helen Keller had. He just sat there. According to my sources, he was the only Deaf, Blind, Smelless, Touchless, and Tasteless person ever to exist (Of course, this is forgetting China because they don't release there records. For all I know, half of their population could be Deaf Blind, Smelless, Touchless, and Tasteless.). His life was boring, but once again, did you expect the kid with no brain function whatsoever to have an interesting life? Well, you may be right (FORESHADOWING). Anyway, this exposition is over. God knows how real authors get through this part, I want to write the goddamn part where he saves the world.

Chapter 2 - Arguably the worst chapter

One day in 2011, however, while Thomas was watching reruns of the Bernie Mac Show (Rest in peace), the most evil of all evil alien invaders did what alien invaders do (invaded) to Earth. He was a very skinny blue person who had no super strength, nor any other super power that I'll save your time by not listing. He did have one power, however (Let me note that the first time I wrote this, I wrote "powever" instead of "power, however". That sounds like a futuristic power device that will create unlimited power but will destroy the universe.) He could turn every human being into a Deaf, Blind, Smelless, Touchless, and Tasteless person. I'm glad you see where this is going. He, however, was unaware that there already was a Deaf, Blind, Smelless, Touchless, and Tasteless person on Earth. When the alien invader did his whole thing with his power, he turned everyone into a Deaf, Blind, Smelless, Touchless, and Tasteless moron, but he also turned Thomas Edwards into a normal functioning human being.

(I beg you please to ignore the fact that he was Deaf, Blind, Smelless, Touchless, and Tasteless for his entire life and would have the knowledge of an infant and wouldn't know how to do everything. I overlooked this detail until I already came up with the entire first chapter.) He awoke from his eternal sleep to laugh at a slightly racist joke he didn't get. "Haha, Bernie Mac!" He then got up and saw Thaddeus, Troy, Terrance, Thor, Timothy, Torrin, Tammy, Tabatha, Theresa, Trisha, Tanya, Taelor, his mom, and his dad laying around squirming like they're dancing to Lotus Flower. He shrugged and left his house to see cars piled up in the street with brain-dead drivers. Some tried to form coherent thoughts and others were eating their purses but simply put, everyone on Earth was more useless than Tommy from the Who song (No, I didn't get the name Thomas Edwards from that) Let me also add that people with a lack of a sense gained them so millions of Deaf/Blind people could hear and see. Thomas, however, reigned superior.

Chapter 3 - During the commercial break...

Just kidding. I liked that name for a chapter. Anyway, rather than attempt to find the man responsible for turning the world into Deaf, Blind, Smelless, Touchless, and Tasteless people, Thomas decided to experience everything he ever wanted in his life that he couldn't get while being Deaf, Blind, Smelless, Touchless, and Tasteless. (Once again, ignore the fact that he couldn't see, hear, smell, feel, nor taste anything that he could want so these next two chapters are extremely unrealistic.) First, he decided to steal a car and go to Disney World. He found the first car that wasn't crashed into something and stole it. He then drove miles upon miles down highways dodging various cars filled with zombie like people. He eventually arrived at Disney where he met up with a formerly Deaf/Blind woman named Annie. She was there with her parents who somehow thought that she would have fun not being aware of what she was doing.

They decided to live it up there each controlling the rides (despite a lack in mechanical training) while the other had fun on them . This only lasted three times when during Space Mountain, the car came off of the track killing Annie in an instant. Thomas remarked, "Shit. Thankfully it wasn't me who died." Thomas, seemingly aware of the impending article about him, was right. This story would have been derailed from the get-go and Earth would have remained full of Deaf, Blind, Smelless, Touchless, and Tasteless vegetables. Thomas, not discouraged by a silly death, kept chasing his dreams and flew a plane to Paris so he could draw a penis on the Mona Lisa, renaming it the "Bona Lisa". After giggling quietly to himself amid the crowds of vegetables eating dirt, he went to India to get a Facebook picture with the semi-conscience Dalai Lama. It was his profile picture for years to come.

Chapter 4 - Illogical Escapades Part Dos

After the unforgettable picture with China's favorite exile, Thomas decided to head to Egypt to deface yet another work of art and wanted to vandalize the Great Sphinx. He added many indications that the Sphinx didn't smell that great and renamed it the Great Stinx. He ran through the desert occasionally finding caravans with camels looking at the merchants like, "What the hell, mane?" He shrugged this off and took his plane to Russia where the half dead Vladimir Putin still managed to kick his ass without any of his senses. To make a pun, he beat Thomas senseless! Anyway, he then went to the Kremlin, replaced the K with a G and rewrote the sign to include a note about not feeding the building after midnight. He spent a week in Siberia, alone with his thoughts when he came up with the amazing idea of writing a novel. He then realized no one would read it. Damn.

With one final detour before fighting the guy who put this situation into place, he went to Australia and tried to create a shot-for-shot remake of Kangaroo Jack with a formerly Deaf/Blind black guy playing Anthony Anderson's part. (To be honest, Thomas played a rough Jerry O'Connell. Thomas thought to himself about doing a show with Jim Belushi but then decided it was a bad idea.) The only problem with this production was the lack of a Kangaroo that would cooperate. They used real money for the scene where the kangaroo supposedly steals the money from the morons and the kangaroo ran away with it. Unlike it the movie, it's safe to assume the kangaroo ate the money. Trying to make it through the shooting without needing that money, they failed miserably forgetting that they were part of the few self-conscience individuals left on Earth and they could steal whatever the hell they wanted. Anyway, they ended up finishing the horrible movie and it ended up as number one in the box office for that weekend (obviously because they were the only moviegoers).

Chapter 5 - OF COURSE I was going to get to the Villain

Our villain's name is Mich (pronounced "Mike" because he liked to annoy people by spelling a nickname an untraditional way). He was from an unnamed planet called Pbokahik (Pronounced Puh-bock-uh-hick). Contrary to cliches, he was a loser in comparison to his other Pbokahikians. His only power was the ability to take away the five senses from humans. This means his power was useless on his home planet and anywhere else except for Earth. He came to Earth after being exiled from Pbokahik because of public urination. He lived in a secret lair in the side of Devil's Tower in Wyoming because as far as Sci-Fi stories go, nothing important has ever gone on there. He was very blue and very lanky. Because of this, he had no children and had only once dated a woman whose power was to imagine someone as sexier than they were. This fell through when she realized he had as much personality as paint thinner.

Now that you have lost all sympathy for the villain, let me briefly (or boxerly) explain his plan. He wanted to turn all of Earth into Deaf, Blind, Smelless, Touchless, and Tasteless morons so he could stream himself messing around with them on Blog.tv.pj (the Pbokahik version of the site). This plan was working perfectly and he decided to steal some champagne to celebrate. He unfortunately knocked out his left eye while pulling the cork. It was a very awkward. He decided to start his stream the next day at 12 pm EST. This would give him just enough time to have Pbokahikians watch it before bed. He smiled at his impending Internet fame (because Pbokahikians were known to fuck with the rest of the universe for the sake of a viral video). He watched the time go by before his big performance. He watched a rerun of Grey's Anatomy before going to bed. He couldn't sleep because he was to busy wondering if Patrick Dempsey was the father of the baby.

Chapter 6 - Hell on Earth... if Hell is full of Brain-dead people

At 11:30am, Mich got into his spacecraft and drove to the nearest city (which I think would be Seattle) and he started streaming. With such amazing lines as, "YEAHHH!!! Look as I rub my face on this chick's face!" and "Dayum, man!" In the middle of one of his "Face-defecation" gags, Thomas interrupted him by saying, "Wow, I thought aliens would look cooler." Mich, taking offense to it as if he were insulting his lankiness rather than the look of all Pbokahikians, spat at him. Considering Thomas was fifty feet away, all that happened was Mich swore under his breath. Mich then held his webcam to Thomas and said, "Well Pbokahik! Watch as I destroy this puny human!" Mich had failed to realize that his stream only had one viewer (which was him on another computer checking if it worked). He took out a space pistol and shot it right at Thomas. Once again, Thomas fifty feet away and saw Mich pull out his gun and ran.

At first, Thomas tripped over many a Deaf, Blind, Smelless, Touchless, and Tasteless man or woman, but he eventually got his footing and was outrunning Mich by a mile (an extreme exaggeration. He was only ahead by about fifteen steps.) Mich kept trying to hit Thomas with his space pistol but had horrible aim and no depth perception due to his unfortunate loss of an eye the night before. After putting a few Deaf, Blind, Smelless, Touchless, and Tasteless people out of their misery with his near blindfire, Mich threw away his space pistol and began to chase Thomas with the intent of death by strangulation rather than by space pistol. This attempt was futile because, once again, Thomas was outrunning him by an albeit small margin, but outrunning nonetheless. At this point Mich was about to give up when a Deaf, Blind, Smelless, Touchless, and Tasteless woman unintentionally grabbed Thomas by the leg and brought him to the ground.

Chapter 7 - Everybody! Can you hear me? Wait, no. You don't have any of your senses... Here comes the insensitivity lawsuit.

Thomas trembled as the alien approached him in an almost-trying-to-be-menacing way. He had a cockeyed smile and swung his shoulders from side to side as he walked. This sign of attempted douchebaggery (which isn't a word) pointed out all of Mich's other flaws, like how he had Steve Buscemi-esque eyes. Mich's attempted smile turned into a frown as he stood over Thomas, "Do you realize," he tried to shout fear-invokingly, "What you have done to me!? Now I'll never have 100,000,000,000 followers on Twitter!" (Note that Pbokahik was one hundred thousand times the size of Earth and was even overpopulated so that amount of followers wasn't very unrealistic.) Although his plea was absolutely ridiculous, Thomas sympathized with the man (which I explicitly told you not to do) and spoke from the heart. "Before you came," he said, "I was just a Deaf, Blind, Smelless, Touchless, and Tasteless kid. Now, I'm somebody!... among many other Deaf, Blind, Smelless, Touchless, and Tasteless people but that doesn't matter! No, it doesn't. Together we can rule the galaxy!" (another note that he may have done a stereotypical ‘evil’ laugh right after ending said dialogue!)

Mich looked confused and walked away. Neither comprehended what this meant. Mich thought that Thomas would try to stop him and Thomas was still confused about what the hell he was yelling about. "Did I say something about ruling the universe?"' (For the record, he said something about ruling the galaxy, not the universe. Also, yes, I am omniscient and can read other people's thoughts exactly in coherent sentences.) Mich turned around to Thomas and said something. At the same time, a gust of wind came and both were at a loss of communication. Thomas cried "WHAT?!" repeatedly and Mich, not realizing it was a very long gust of wind, kept repeating the same thing over and over again. Eventually they both gave up trying to talk at a long distance (about 50 feet away) and Mich moved back to his initial spot. He looked deep into Thomas eyes and slowly opened up his mouth. Expecting the words to flow out like sediment in a river (Yes, that's the simile I'm using), Thomas matched Mich's glance exactly. Then they both got hit by an 18-wheeler.

Chapter 8 - Another grenade in the plan... That's the phrase right?

“Confidentially bub, no it ain't”

~ Bugs Bunny on the term grenade

Both laying motionless for hours, Mich had forgotten what he was going to say to Thomas. In all reality it was probably something about how he could use his smartphone to record things on his DirecTV DVR remotely through the app on his iPhone. He then remembered he forgot to record Wife Swap, "SHIT". Mich finally mustered the strength to get up from the accident to find the truck that hit them totaled against a wall. The driver died because the badass needles he was wearing on his jacket popped the airbag. After thinking, "Heh. Who's the badass now?" Mich poked Thomas a few times in order to get him up. Thomas simply would not wake up. Unaware of the severity of Thomas' brain damage he literally poked him for an hour and a half. Comprehending the lack of progress, Mich got up and paced around. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Thomas, "I was wondering how long you would poke me." After dusting himself off, Thomas rose to his feet.

"Oh yeah", said Thomas, "I'm supposed to kill you." Thomas grabbed Mich by his scrawny neck and choked him. It wasn't very pretty and I will refrain from describing it in detail. Thomas sighed and looked around him. He then felt relieved. He then also realized that no where in the description of the alien magic did it say that killing Mich would turn everyone back into fully functioning human being. Actually, nothing could have changed it because Mich's power only had a one-time use rendering it even more useless than it once was. Thomas pondered this for a moment then got up and tried to find a formerly Blind/Deaf girl with whom he could procreate. Obviously he would have to repopulate the Earth. Also, this story took about two and a half weeks to happen (especially with all of those detours) so odds are, even if they were fully functioning human beings, the entire population would be dead by starvation.

Chapter 9 - Da Epilogue (because this is 1998 and replacing "The" with "Da" is still cool)

Thomas met a formerly Deaf/Blind/Touchless girl to marry and have children with. Just kidding, this isn't the nineteen fifties, he had sex with her, she got pregnant and then they got married. Just kidding again. In the post apocalyptic setting and with a lack of priests who initially had a loss of a sense or two, there was no way or reason to get married. Also, Thomas pretty much fathered children with every woman who had a sense working. This was because almost all men who gained a sense on the day Mich invaded Earth had went to Nigeria to collect their money that they inherited from a Nigerian prince because they had never seen a scam before. Thomas spent most of his days stealing food and cleaning up dead bodies off of the streets. He eventually rebuilt the Earth with his bare hands (figuratively of course). He became president of the entire world only three years after the Sensepocalypse (as the press called it).

Thomas met his untimely end (like Rauru) only three days after entering the presidency of the world, maybe just Hyrule, maybe not. After finding out that he had used his picture with the Dalai Lama as his Facebook profile picture, the Buddhist assassins (which may or may not be a real group... it'd be ironic if they were) assassinated him by putting a skateboard in front of the staircase in his house. It was unfortunate.

The end.