Henry Decides

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This article is one of Illogicopedia's EPICs.

Dressing[edit | edit source]

It was a crisp morning in late August when Henry Interesting woke up to the usual dank smell of his bedroom (dank?). It smelled like something was decomposing inside, though Henry had never quite figured out what it was. Every day, he woke up and sniffed every single object in his room and tried to identify which one was spoiled and rotting. He never found the correct object, however (he never bothered to sniff himself... dank?)

After patrolling his room, he would open a window to try and let in some fresh air. However, he lived in the depths of a city with air dirtier than some gas chambers, so this didn't work out to well for poor Henry.


He stepped into the other room of his apartment, which housed his toilet, kitchen and television. He turned on the television and watched the morning news, though he quickly became bored because none of the news was about Sex.

Then he turned off the television and announced, "I think I need some breakfast!" He opened up the pantry, only to gasp loudly. He had TWO boxes of cereal inside the pantry--lucky charms or frosted flakes. "I'm going to have to make a decision!" he said in terror, "But that requires intelligent thought!" This was a concept that horrified Henry, since he spent most of his time being told what to do by his boss, his parents, or the television.

He anxiously picked up one cereal box, then glanced at the other. All of a sudden, on the television behind him, a news reporter said: "Breaking News: Henry Interesting, a local grocery store clerk, is going to make a decision between two cereals, lucky charms and frosted flakes. WHICH ONE WILL HE CHOOSE? Stay tuned for live coverage from Henry's kitchen!"

The Bottle is Nearly Empty[edit | edit source]

"How did they find out about that?" said Henry out loud, examinining his television suspiciously. But he had little time to think, because somebody was knocking on the door. "Come in!" said Henry.

The door burst open, and in poured five cameramen and a woman, with a nametag which read "Gneed Tweedly."

Four of The cameramen all pressed their cameras to Henry's body, while the fifth pointed his camera at the woman, who said, "Hello viewers, I'm Gneed Tweedly, your favorite journalist! This is 'Good Morning Nation,' the news channel which guarantees the most cleavage in the morning!" She thrust out her bosom at this point to prove her point.

"I'm here this morning," she continued, "At the apartment of one Henry Interesting, who is faced with a decision that may change the course of history: what breakfast should he eat? Henry, how long have you been facing this epic choice?"

"About five minutes." Henry said.

"And how do you feel?"

"Kind of hungry."

"HOW MOVING!" Gneed said, with complete earnestness. Tears were pouring down her face, and several of the cameramen burst into tears. A mailman ran into the room and said, "I've got two dozen letters for Mr. Henry Interesting!"

Henry opened them as the news people continued to sob, and read letter after letter urging him to pick one cereal or the other. Exxon-Mobile told him to eat frosted flakes, the president of the UN told him lucky charms would be better--the list went on and on. Offers, threats, bribes--the leaders of the world were all pleading with him to pick one cereal or the other.

Gneed stared at Henry in sheer adoration and said, "What do the letters say, O Henry?" Henry said, "It's some world leaders telling me which cereal to pick. But I'd rather just pick myself. After all, it IS my breakfast."

Gneed burst into tears again. "Oh, how noble!" she said, "Oh, how heroic! That this man can have the courage to pick a breakfast cereal--OH, he's an inspiration to us all!" She then orgasmed on the spot, causing the author serious concerns about whether this story was appropriate for the website. However, nothing else sexual happened, and the author used wikiformatting to make the word "orgasmed" smaller. Hopefully nobody would notice the slip-up. The author then added several self-referential sentences to the story before starting the next paragraph.

Thighs[edit | edit source]

Within ten minutes, Henry was no nearer a decision. He carried the cereal over to his window so he could look at it in the sunlight, but the smog was so thick outside that it had blocked out the sun. Henry gave up on that, and started examining the nutrition facts of the boxes, comparing the health value of one cereal to another. Meanwhile, cameras tracked his every move. Journalists stuck cameras into every crevice in his body, which made it difficult for him to concentrate. However, he forgave them even when they stuck a camera into his (____), because it was all in the name of crude humor and/or satire.

In the ten minutes that had gone by, representatives of every major news network on Earth (along with journalists from a few other planets) had shown up to document Henry's choice. They called it "Decision 2008," abandoning all coverage of the Presidential election because this was much more interesting.

Within another twelve minutes, the entire world was captivated by Henry's decision. They watched in admiration and love as Henry made noble, brilliant speeches such as "I'm going to use the bathroom before I decide," "Those are fancy cameras," and the especially touching "Oops, I dropped a spoon."

For indeed, he had dropped a spoon, which made people around the globe gasp in horror. But he picked it up, to cheers from the crowd which had assembled outside his window to watch his choice. He then got a bowl to eat his cereal in. Scholars wrote books on his bowl-carrying technique. Men in bars argued over whether he would pick lucky charms or frosted flakes.

I can't think of a name for this chapter so I won't bother naming it[edit | edit source]

Finally, after five more minutes of pacing (which historians would later refer to as "the great march of 2008") Henry stopped marching and said, "I have decided."

Everybody on planet earth gasped. Young children squealed in anticipation. Old world leaders leaned over their desks intently, so they could see the TV's better. Most people over the age of 60 had heart attacks.

"I think I'll have a pancake." Said Henry. The world exploded with noise, cheers, boos, orgasms, screams of delight, anguish, (____).

A statue was built in Henry's honor. A new form of academic study called "Henryism" was founded, in which scholars would debate for hours and hours about whether Henry made the right choice. They also discussed Henry's brilliant speeches.

Meanwhile Henry watched this all from his room as he ate his pancake. He watched the journalists staring at him as he ate, observing every movement of his tongue and teeth. Then he noticed Gneed on the ground, on her knees, staring at him with tears in her eyes.

"And I always had this wierd feeling that I was sort of insignificant in the grand scheme of things!" said Henry.

"You're not insignificant!" said the admiring crowd of journalists.

Just then, an asteroid hit the building and killed all of them.