Horton Hires a Ho

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On the fifteenth of Yoon, in the slums of the Valley

With his dirty coke spoon, in the dark of an alley,

He was whizzing in public…one of life’s greatest joys…

When Horton the Whorehunter heard a small noise.

So Horton stopped piddling and he looked for the sound.

“Disappointing,” thought Horton. “Not a voyeur around.”

Then he heard it once more! A mere hint of applause.

And he saw her red nails that she brandished like claws.

“Hey fella,” said Sheila. “Do you need help to shake it?

Or if you've got fifty bucks, then we might even make it.”

“I say!” spluttered Horton. “I’ve never paid more,

Than a buck and a half for a two dollar whore.

Do you know what I think? In a competitive market,

The cheapest garage is the place I will park it.

If you'll charge by the minute for the space you will rent,

Then, I'll agree, it is money well spent.”

“Well, I've never met such a cheap, dirty bastard!

Do you shotgun some Lysol, when you want to get plastered?!

Per-minute is fine for a cellular phone,

Not for 'laying some pipe' or to 'bury the bone'”.

So, slowly, and using the greatest of care,

Horton held out a twenty in the cool evening air,

And from his soiled trunk the bill she did pluck,

And he grinned as he spoke, “Nice shoes. Wanna walk?”

“Humpf!” humpfed a voice, it was Candi the Crone,

Whose toothless gum jobs were a treat for the bone,

“Why, in all of my years, you never gave me a twenty

Though for nickels and dimes I've given you plenty!”

“Believe me,” said Horton. “for the width of your girth,

A dime for a deed is as much as you're worth.

Though you must have been hot in the Carter Administration,

You're now just a notch above self masturbation.”

“So, please,” Horton said, “as a personal favour,

Take a hike down the street while I try a new flavour.”

“I think you’ve been fooled!” said the Crone. “Do you care?”

And she left in a huff in her rusted wheelchair.

“Hey, I was kidding! Please don't feel hurt!

If I've got any left, I'll see you for dessert!”

And he turned to where Sheila had been standing and waiting,

But found empty street clad in asphalt and plating.

And Horton ran, screaming, for almost an hour.

'Til he lay down defeated, with his face in a glower.

And I told him, “I hope there's a lesson you've learned,

About loyalty, dignity, and the pain of those spurned.”

And he said, “Yes, indeed. It's a lesson I'll treasure,

'Bout the folly of money in the pursuit of pleasure.”

And I heard him exclaim as he zipped up his pants.

“Take it from me — never pay in advance!”