Today you shall be the one to learn how to master ambiguity and answer every question with well....ambiguity!
The 10 Rules Of Ambiguity
There are ten rules you must follow in order to be ambiguous.
Do not understand
In order to be ambiguous, one must not actually understand how to answer the question. Don't give a thought. Oh wait, that's another rule. Well, follow that, seeing that I did not give a thought on thinking that out....no er wait... Well anyway, don't try to understand the question. And if you do, try to answer ambiguously.
For example, if someone asks you what 2 plus 2 is, don't say 4, say.....umm....is it the same as 3 plus 1?
Don't give a thought
If you are asked a question, just answer straight away...OR SLOWLY to add to the suspense. Or cable wires to add to the suspension.
For example, if someone asks you what 2 plus 2 is, scream and run away. 5 seconds later, come back and answer.
Thank you, Captain Obvious
Be obvious. And ambiguous. But mostly obvious. For example, if someone asks you:
When are you going to the mall? You don't say Tuesday at 9pm, you say "sometime this week".
And if they ask when, say "on a weekday". While that answers some questions, it doesn't answer all, and it's best to leave the audience guessing. And pissed.
Or possibly not.
Add "um"s and "er"s into your sentence. Don't just answer "on a weekday".
Answer "Um....well...er...possibly on a weekday, I think."
You also have to express it. Don't say with a straight face (or a long one), "Um...well..er...possibly on a weekday, I think." Constantly change your expression.
On second thoughts, don't.
For example, say "I WILL....um...well (scratch scratch) go on one of these weekdays, maybe on one of those not so crowded days, like um...never (scratch scratch)"
Make it short
And not snappy. Unless you're old.
Don't make it cranky however, unless you're a robot. And old.
Make it short. Don't make it long, but said so fast it sounds short or it'll sound like gibberishkama.
Using the previous answer with the gibberishkama technique, it will sound like: "ewillumwelloneonethesewewekkkmaybeononeoofthosenotsocrowdeddayslikeumneverscratchskritch"
Which sounds like
a load of gibberish "ewillumwelloneonethesewewekkkmaybeononeoofthosenotsocrowdeddayslikeumneverscratchskritch".
Yes or NO
FOCUS ON NEITHER ONE OF THEM. Focus on the "or".
Especially if in a boat (ha ha lame lame). Seriously, who comes up with these puns? *cough cough* Dxpenguinman *cough cough*
Like if asked do you like chocolate or carrots more, don't say chocolate, or carrots, say....um i think I like one of them better.
Er, which one?
I pick D) All of the above!
That way, it helps. You have to actually be ambiguous. You have to be THE ambiguous in order to be THE Ambiguous. But you can't be User:THE, cause it's like already taken.
Neither or both
This is what you should answer with.
Either one of them. Or perhaps neither of them. Or both.
Or you could just pick one of them. (OOH, self contrarydiction)
Don't do drugs
So now you know the 10 something rules of ambiguity. And now for a test question to make sure you follow these rules.
"Will you follow these rules?"
The answer is of course.... not available.