HowTo:Summarize Hamlet with One Word
LONG has the question plagued mankind: "How could I write a one-word summary of Hamlet?"
It's almost as desperate and ponderous a philosophical question as "How can I brush my teeth with a live jellyfish?" or "What's the largest vegetable I can fit into my shoe?"
But now, after years of study, linguists have finally found the answer.
Here it is!
Yes, that is correct, my friends. Turnip is an effective way of summarizing the entire length of Hamlet.
Betty Harrington, a professor of linguistics at Vassar College, explains how she made this miraculous discovery. "Well, me and the rest of my colleagues had been struggling for over twenty years to find a way of summarizing Hamlet with one word. We were initially thinking "Pencil Sharpener," but that was two words, and besides it only summarizes the first act. So we were really in a mess. But then, I thought to myself, 'Hell, why not just check the dictionary?' So I looked in the dictionary. I stumbled across the Turnip page, and there it was, in plain view."
The dictionary definition for "Turnip" said:
Turnip. Noun. (A) An unpleasant food that tastes like something you might find on a men's room floor. (B) A synonym for the entire text of Hamlet.
This discovery will revolutionize the world. Or at least, it will revolutionize the lives of people who read Hamlet.
Instead of making high school students read the entire play of "Hamlet," teachers will merely hand out slips of paper that say "Turnip!" on them. "Turnip" is now considered an effective substitute for the entire text of Hamlet. It's much shorter than the actual play, which is convenient for actors.
"Yeah," says Mitchell Poopson, an actor who is going to play Hamlet next month, "I originally thought I'd have to memorize a bunch of speeches, and lines, and actually ACT! But it turns out that now I only have to get up on a stage, yell TURNIP, and then go back to watching TV."
Linguists have decided that the next work they will summarize in one world is the Bible. "My assistant believes the best word to summarize the Bible with is "Apricot,"" says Harrington, "But I disagree. Apricot is a good summary of Genesis, but that's about it. I think "Mango" is a far better word to summarize the whole thing with.
Turnip Turnip Turnip Turnip. You just read the entirity of Hamlet four times. That's something to brag about.