How I Lost Each of My Fingers

Hello. I am John Jackson and I am a fingerless man. I was not born this way, though; I systematically lost all of my fingers in separate instances. In order from left to right; here are their stories.

Left Pinky Finger

I was a general in the American Revolution. I was mocking the way the English drank their tea with their pinky fingers in the air when a stray bullet fired at me. I ducked back and only the pinky I was holding up was hit. It was very unfortunate, seeing as the comedy routine I was doing at that moment would normally get quite the laugh, if I do say so myself.

Left Ring Finger

I bought a ring two sizes too small for my seventh wedding and it got stuck for a very long time. After the majority of my ring finger had turned a blackish purple, the emergency room doctors saw fit that my ring finger be cut off. This marriage was my last for that sole reason... and because not many people want to marry a man who has been divorced seven times...

Left Middle Finger

I was a participant in the 1984 World Throwing Knife competition when I made it to the finals against a Norwegian man named Lee Ferrickson. I crumbled under the pressure of having to perform in front of the tens of people in the crowd and the five guys with nothing better to do than watch the event on ESPN2. I did horribly on my round and after Lee had sealed up his victory with one more throw; I decided to "flip him the bird" with my left hand. Now I see how that was a mistake, seeing how he threw the knife so fast, it clean cut my finger off and cauterized the wound at the same time. It was truly remarkable. If I wasn't writhing in pain on the ground, I probably would have admired his work.

Left Index Finger

I was at an Australian beach after being given bifocals that I didn't know how to use. I thought I saw a shark in the distance and pointed yelling, "SHARK!" As it turns out, I was looking on the wrong part of the bifocals; and the shark was a foot in front of me. As if it weren't obvious, it ripped my finger off in an instant.

Left Thumb

I was fighting razor blades with a mind of their own one day and I was winning. I had thought that I had defeated every razor blade and had given my friend who was watching a "thumbs-up". Unfortunately, there was one razor blade who was a little slow... but not too slow to lose the opportunity to cut off my thumb.

Right Thumb

I decided to have a thumb war with Bigfoot. He tore my thumb off. It was a complete accident, I mean, he's a nice guy he just gripped onto my thumb and slipped and fell down a cliff, taking my thumb with him.

Right Index Finger

I had just won the Super Bowl as a back-up quarterback for the New England Patriots and was signalling to a camera that we were number one. Unfortunately, a crazed fan of the other team didn't like that. How do I know? He chopped my finger off with a machete. I'm not really that angry at him, but rather, I'm angry at the security who let him in with a machete. A butter knife is one thing... but a machete?

Right Middle Finger

I can't remember this one exactly because I was hitting up the acid at the time... If I remember correctly, I flipped off a mongoose... A rabid mongoose.

Right Ring Finger

I had broken my ring finger playing hockey one day and had to keep it in a straight-up position. A legally blind man thought I was giving him the finger so he pulled out a scimitar and sliced my whole finger off, completely ninja and all.

Right Pinky Finger

There was a mob hit for a guy that looked remotely like me one day so I was kidnapped by the mafia. They realized that I wasn't their guy but kept me imprisoned. Later that day, they found the real guy; killed him and burned the remains. They then found out the mob boss wanted the guy's pinky finger as proof that he was dead. Since a pinky is a pinky, they took mine instead.

So thanks for listening to my stories. Obviously they weren't in chronological order. Yep. This is a pain in the ass to type with my toes...