I have forgotten my umbrella

"I have forgotten my umbrella" was the central tenet of the philosophy of Friedrich Nietzsche. It meant that his umbrella, which was used for keeping his clothes and hair (especially that badass mustache of his) from getting all wet in the rain, had been forgotten on a rainy day. This, Nietzsche claimed, was True in a some cosmic, universal sense that was binding on everyone. It remains widely renowned as the one absolute philosophical certainty that no one, anywhere, can deny.

Original context

Have you not heard of the one sane man left in the world who lit a lantern in the pouring rain, ran to the market place, and cried incessantly: "Where's my umbrella!? Where's my umbrella!?" -- As many of those who did not approve of umbrellas were standing around just then, he provoked much laughter. Has he gotten wet? asked one. Did he lose his keys too? asked another. Or is he hiding his umbrella behind his back? Or maybe he is just a badass motherfluffer? -- Thus they yelled and laughed because they were all mad.

The last sane man jumped into their midst and pierced them with his eyes. "Where is my umbrella!?" he cried; "I will tell you. I have forgotten my umbrella. Or, we have stolen it -- you and I. All of us are thieves. But how did we do this? How could we lift the planet? Who gave us the combination to get into my locker? What were we doing when we heard the weather report today and did not heed it's warning? Where is my umbrella now? Where did it go? What good is it if it cannot be found when it is raining? Are we not drowning in the downpour? Rain coming at us backward, sideward, forward, in all directions? Upside down rain! Don't you wish the rain still fell only down? Are we not getting all wet, without my umbrella? Do we not feel the rain soaking us? Has it not become colder? Are not the flood waters continually closing in on us? Do we not need to light lanterns when it rains? Do we hear nothing as yet of the noise of the raindrops that are sinking us? Do we smell all wet and moldy from being out in it too long? My umbrella is lost. It remains lost. And we have stolen it.

"How shall we comfort ourselves, the thieves of all thieves? WE STOLE a balloon MY UMBRELLA! There has never been a greater theft; and whoever is stuck without an umbrella after us -- for the sake of this theft he will a little bit more wet from being in the rain than in all rain hitherto."

Here the last sane man fell silent and looked again at his listeners; and they, too, were silent and stared at him in astonishment. At last he threw his lantern on the ground, and it broke into pieces and went out. "What time is it anyway?" he said then; "And dude, where's my car!? Lightning and thunder require time; finding my umbrella requires time. My umbrella, though lost, still require time to be seen and heard. My umbrella is still more distant from us than the most distant stars -- and we have lost it ourselves.

It has been related further that on the same day the last sane man forced his way into several ladies showers with knives, but they arrested his drunk ass after that, cause that was just creepy. um who tf wrote that

Nietzsche later changed up this passage by playing Mad Libs into it becoming famous and sounding very deep and relevant and stuff, but believe it or not, that was totally by accident. This is the original version.