IllogiNews:Witches strike back

This article is part of IllogiNews, your sauce for chips and sausages.

If you smoke enough of this stuff, you see Goddess.

LONDON – ENGLAND, 6 APRIL 2015 –

WHAT DO WE WANT? REVENGE! WHEN DO WE WANT IT? NOW!

That's the sound of thousands of witches have joined together in a huge swarm of sorcery to strike back on their 2000-year long abuse of their rights. Over 400,000 witches from 37 countries have marched on Parliament Square, demanding compensation or else. Thousands of nuns, monks, priests and various other religious figures have been reported missing overnight and the sweet smell of burning paraffin can be smelt nationwide, as Christianity goes on the barbecue.

IllogiNews has obtained amateur mobile footage that is too disturbing to view, which shows the Archbishop of Canterbury being burnt at the stake. Suspiciously, stocks of so-called chicken breast have sky-rocketed overnight, as supermarkets such as Tesco show their might to just sell anything and call it 'chicken'. Thank God it's christened!

Boiling up in the cauldron

This attack has been stirring up for just over two weeks. It started in Boscastle, Cornwall, where witches launched a large demolition ball out of nowhere and smashed it into the witchcraft museum. Residents were then double-bluffed, as they all rejoiced now knowing that they able to receive mobile internet for once, but three hours later, a 100 foot tidal wave gave residents one hell of a salty shower.

It then moved on to Ludlow in Shropshire, where an altercation with KKK members occurred. Both groups were simply attending a pointy hat contest, but everything turned randomly violent and the Ku Klux Klan were turned into Klean Kut Kubes.

Sink or swim, die both ways

In addition to burning the bible-bashing bastards, many sights of dead bodies have been sighted in the River Wye, probably down to the fact that bishops are being given a divine dunking, like rich tea biscuits. A local fisherman, who did not wish to be identified, said "I was just fishing along the bank of the Wye, when I saw my rod just picked up a bite of something. No wonder I felt heavy as I had washed up a monk from the bottom of the river! Hmm, no wonder it smells like methane and celibacy..."

Heading to safety

Meanwhile, those who are still free from the spell of reality, have resorted to hiding, waiting for their all-seeing, all-knowing higher being to do bloody something, or if necessary, something bloody. Many others have resorted to escaping the country by any means necessary, even with the threat of sabotage by witches. Although information is blurry, IllogiNews has received reports that a lone witch hocus-pocused a plane flying from Manchester to Dublin of its wings and tail, making it nothing other than a flying drinks can, with blood as the drink...

Compensate now, or get cursed later

We spoke to an anonymous group spokesman, who said that the politicians were in for a nasty treat if they did not accept the terms of the witches. They did not elaborate, though it probably involved more river dunking and truth-telling. Some rumours say that it'll end up with Nick Clegg in a cauldron pot, but who knows, when its evil vs. evil?

An end to the assault?

There's no end on sight as of yet. Most sensible witches will have their cauldrons armed to spell; the worse is to come...

Timeline

• 21 March - The attack on Boscastle.
• 24 March - The KKK incident in Ludlow.
• 25-27 March - The witches move north, a group of them seizes a car in Hereford to bewitch, another group angers the mayor in Birmingham, and set fire to the Charles Darwin monument in Shrewsbury.
• 1 April - The Sheffield incident, where 500 witches capture several important politicians and aim to burn them at the stake (they were later caught and fined £200,000).
• 2-4 April - The issue spreads north, as witch groups rebel in Manchester, Leeds and Liverpool. Many witches head south.
• 6 April - Joined by tens of thousands of worldwide witches, the groups protest massively in London.
• 7-8 April - Newcastle upon Tyne gets hit the hardest, with Geordies vs Witches (outnumbered 10:1 notably)
• 8 April - 50,000 plus are attacking Carlisle and preparing to move north into Scotland, meanwhile many witch groups continue protesting and are heading west to Wales or south to France.
• 9-14 April - Scottish attacks. Edinburgh is hit by over 7,000 alone, but some go west.
• 16 April - Aberdeen incident. Be prepared if driving into Aberdeen as the A90 was clogged with protesters last night, so use the A96 instead.