Impregnate the Population

This article has been deemed EPIC because it's cool enough to curdle cheese. See more EPICS

An apology: This article starts out slightly funny but goes to weird and serious and fucked up quickly. I apologize but it felt necessary to keep the story going.

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The man looked over the deck of his spaceship. He was embarking on an epic journey of even epicer proportions. He was going to Earth. His name was Jarvis and his job was to make his species part of Earth; anyway he see fit. Perhaps by revealing himself or something; maybe with an announcement. "No," he thought, "I must MAKE them accept us."

He was willing to do something drastic.

Part 1: Accession

His ship was minutes from landing and he could see for miles on miles of Earth's surface. He was sure that he could go unnoticed for it was night and no one cared that he was there. His ship also just looked like some tinfoil (but don't tell him that!). Even so, he was cautious on making camp in a remote area of Arizona in the desert. Or dessert. Nevermind. He landed and set up a camp; his plan would go into action tomorrow.

As he slept; a man and camera crew stumbled onto his ship. He was awoken by the words, "Look, this is an alien spaceship" in a British accent. Jarvis stood up and recalled the English language and asked, "Who are you?". The man responded, "I'm Bear Grylls, and I'm gonna teach you how to survive." Jarvis couldn't risk being caught; not this early. He took out his laser pistol; pointed it at Bear's head and muttered, "Les Stroud is better." He shot through Bear and hit his two cameramen, too. He heard the Halo announcer shout "Triple kill!"

He went back to sleeping but decided to use his ship's minor cloaking mechanism. It slightly made the ship invisible for then night. He then went into the ship and slept like a baby... Not really, babies cry a lot. Really! They're all like wah wah wah. And you're like "Shut the fuck up!" and then child protective services is all like, "Hitting your baby's head against a dresser is not a good way to stop it from crying; you killed it," and you're like, "He stopped crying; didn't he?"

Part 2: Acquisition

Jarvis woke up from an incandescent slumber... Does incandescent work in that instance? Nope... Nevermind that. Anyway, he yawned slightly and started to fly his ship. It hovered slightly and then went full throttle up into the sky. He was about 10,000 feet above the ground and looked for the nearest city that he was going to "hit" that night. Since he was in Arizona; he stumbled on Phoenix and planned to "visit" it tonight. He knew that he would have to prepare for the night ahead.

He was taking a nap at around 5:00pm and woke up to see a plane flying right at him. He quickly blew it up, killing all of the passengers. As it went down; he noticed it said the words, "Air Force One". "Meh," he thought, "I did the world a favor, I guess." He continued to let the ship hover in mid-air for about another twenty minutes. As dusk fell, he slowly approached the city with a 50% cloaking device enabled. He knew that people might notice him otherwise. If he was noticed; he would be sent back to his home planet and forever exiled.

He found a small house on the outskirts of town that he knew was perfect. He quickly used his computer to see that the house was owned by a man named Matt Hamilton who lived there alone. He was an average man with average weight and height, etc. He hovered down above his house. He looked inside to see Matt sleeping alone without his covers on. Jarvis lowered into his backyard and got out. He ran inside and went into Matt's room. Jarvis sedated him with a special "poison" and picked him up. He ran across his backyard and brought him into his spaceship... and that was just the beginning.

Part 3: Pollination

Matt awoke with a shiver as he looked into the bright light. He was laying on the cold; hard table in Jarvis' spaceship. Jarvis looked at him, "I guess the sedation medicine didn't work as expected," he sighed, "I'm sorry, but you're going to have to be awake for this." Matt looked at Jarvis with the most frightened look, "Don't, don't, don't! Please! What are you going to do to me?" Jarvis didn't know how to put it, "Well, I know in your slang terms; it would be called getting you 'knocked up' but I don't know the way you say it."

"What?!?" Matt shouted, "I'm a guy! Guy's don't get pregnant!" "On my planet there is no female gender. They were wiped out many years ago when we learned how men could impregnate men." Matt pleaded, "Please! I don't want to get pregnant! What am I supposed to do with the baby?" Jarvis looked deep into his eyes, "Keep it as yours and raise it. Let it be put into society. You won't be alone; I assure you." Matt's deafening shouting continued, "No! No! No!" Jarvis sighed, "I guess I'm going to have to sedate you then."

Jarvis was hard at work with Matt asleep. He inserted his small "sperm cells" artificially into Matt's abdomen. He made sure it would survive but he couldn't be 100% assured. His tests suggested it would work but he didn't know. He kept Matt on the table for ten minutes to see if any smidgen of growth. He was happy to see it was working. He smiled and knew he would be known as the greatest man from his planet. "A hero," he thought. "I'm going to be a hero..."

Part 4: Exodus

Jarvis lowered his spaceship yet again into Matt's backyard. He wiped Matt's memory of the incident so he wouldn't immediately get what humanity calls an abortion. He picked Matt up and slowly brought him back into his house. He opened his door and laid him back down onto his bed. The sun was now rising and Jarvis feared that Matt would wake up. The nervousness retreated inside of him. His people had abducted people and had an overture with some humans but have never attempted cross-pollination; this was their redemption.

As Jarvis shut Matt's door he heard a mumble from the bed and ran out of his room. He stayed in his house for a second and heard Matt murmur to himself, "That was one fucked-up dream". Jarvis did not know whether or not he should have laughed or had felt bad. It then dawned on Jarvis that he had ruined another man's life. He could have been number one. He could have been president. "Damn..." Jarvis thought, "Did I mess up?" He assured himself he didn't and flew away.

He looked at Matt's house from his window and was hesitant to not say something. "What could I say?" Jarvis asked himself aloud, "The deed has already been done." The pregnancy period was about 9 months as well, one of the main reasons why Jarvis chose Earth to pollinate. His job was not to pollinate, per say, but rather to be accepted. Pollination, though very twisted and strange, was an affective method for acceptance. He would be a hero if it worked; a fool if it didn't.

Part 5: Disclosure

About 4 and a half months had gone by since Jarvis' pollination of Matt. Jarvis had decided to wait and see the results of his first subject before moving onto another. He had checked on the baby's progress twice a week since the impregnation. The baby was growing normally with some of Jarvis' traits but some human traits as well. Jarvis was not expecting this but was not exactly surprised by it. Just as a mother gives traits to it's baby; the carrier male should give traits as well. Jarvis was happy.

Matt was not as happy however. He had been putting on a bit of weight and he did not know why. His appetite had increased and for the last month he had extreme nausea. His emotions had been on high and he didn't know what was wrong. He had gone to a neurologist when he started having the other symptoms (other than weight gain) and he didn't know what it was. Matt was sent home with no answers and now a new symptom. He just wanted some information.

5 months after the pollination; when the weight gain was getting out of hand; he went to a stomach specialist to see what the problem was. They took X-rays and saw a growth that they thought was a massive tumor. They sent Matt to the leading researcher on stomach cancer in Austria. He did an ultrasound on his abdomen and what he saw blew his mind. He simply said, "It's not a tumor!" Matt sat up and looked at the ultrasound screen. He could not believe his eyes; he was pregnant.

Part 6: Inquisition

Matt looked down at his pregnant belly and for the first time wrapped his hands around it. He flew back to America and saw the leading pregnancy doctor in the world. He examined the baby through ultrasound. His conclusion was startling, "One of the baby's parents cannot be human. It has traits I have never seen before." Matt bit his lip. He knew his dream about 5 and a half months ago was not a dream. "The alien," he said, "The alien impregnated me. I thought it was a dream but it wasn't. It wasn't a dream."

The doctor would never have believed him if he wasn't looking at a pregnant male. The doctor sighed, "You might be right but... I guess nothing it preposterous enough." The doctor sent Matt to a group specialized in alien abductions. They have dealt with many cases of "crazies" who claim they were abducted but were just trying to get attention. Matt was the group's first true case where there was a shred of proof that he got abducted by an alien.

The six-month pregnant Matt sat down and talked to the group's leaders. He showed them pictures of the ultrasound and described the alien in great detail. He remembered the name Jarvis and how he looked as if he had slight remorse and how he looked like he was only impregnating him for a purpose and not for evil reasons. The group got the government involved which researched the abduction and the baby kicking inside Matt's growing belly.

Part 7: Genesis

Matt was laying down in his bed staring at his seven-months-pregnant belly. He knew that in no time, he would be giving birth. He didn't know how it would work but he decided to cross that bridge when he got to it. He really wondered if it would be like human birth. Would they cut him open and let the baby waltz out? Would he explode in a weird manner? Maybe he would even vomit the baby. He did not know and this ignorance scared him.

Two months later, Matt sat in a government facility, awaiting the birth of his son, which they identified the sex of through an ultrasound. He was sitting on a couch, listening to his iPod when he felt his midsection vibrate. He looked down at it and saw it shaking. He called out to the scientists in the room. They laid him down on a gurney and were clueless on what to do next. They waited there dumbfounded; hoping the baby would come out on it's own.

Matt started to sweat but was perplexed by the lack of pain. He felt the weirdest feeling ever and felt his belly open up and a green creature with alien and human features crawl out and his skin went back to normal. He looked at his now-normal belly and didn't know what to think. He took his baby and held it in his arms. The centimentality that he expected to feel was there but it still felt awkward [as it should].

Part 8: Compunction

After the success of project Matt, Jarvis decided to move on to other people. He found another man named Kevin then a man named Alex then a man named Chris then a man named Harold then a man named Isaac then a man named Greg then a man named Gerald then a man named Andrew and he kept going on and on until at one point there were over 55 men pregnant by Jarvis' hands. The government was now trying to find this man that they all referred to as "Jarvis".

Operation Pollination was in it's hay day. Instead of partying, Jarvis spent his nights regretting his mission and drinking nights away he couldn't bring himself to do it anymore. He wanted to apologize but he couldn't... Just couldn't. He would be caught and examined and asked so many question his head would spin. He saw what happened to aliens who were persecuted on other planets. They were torn to shreds by questions that he couldn't answer.

He contemplated suicide and repeatedly made comments about how he couldn't go on. He wanted to go home but couldn't let himself leave a world with so many people who hated him. He needed to get it off of his chest. He decided that persecution was better than the feeling of guilt that had overridden his mind and soul. He needed to do something. He needed to get it off of his chest (not his shirt in case you are wondering).

Part 9: Absolution

Jarvis went to Washington D.C; stepped up to the president and said, "I am the notorious Jarvis. I apologize for what I have done to this world. I just wanted my people to be accepted among your species. I figured cross-pollination would force humanity to embrace another species from an outside world. My planet is more advanced than yours and... I'm a last ditch hope to stop a conquest of your beautiful planet.

The president thought for a while and then spoke, "Jarvis, please tell your people that we want their leaders to meet us here as soon as possible. What you did was wrong but you did what you had to do. I know you regret it but I hereby pardon any crimes you have committed. I expect you to apologize to the men whom you have impregnated and I want you to pay all of your children visits from time to time and pay child support (shit!).

Jarvis went back to his spaceship and called his planet. He asked for 100 more people to come to Earth. The president would expect them to be there for a summit but, no. They were going to conquer the planet from the inside (literally). If they could brainwash the half-lings (as they were called) they could turn them against their parents. With the power of many, many aliens they could do the unthinkable. They were going to impregnate the population.