It's Your Problem Now

EPIC

This article is one of Illogicopedia's EPICs.

Chapter 1: The Accident

"Holy s**t"

"What happened," said Johnny's Mom as he ran in to the kitchen.

"I spilled milk," Johnny said. Johnny's mother ran into the room and she slipped on the milk and fell backwards, hitting her head on a table and killing her. "Uh oh..." said Johnny.

A voice inside his head shouted to him, "It's your problem now". Hence the title.

Chapter 2: A Chapter with more than four lines unlike chapter 1. Pfft. Chapter 1...

"Do I call the cops or do I leave the body and hide?" Johnny rambled over and over. Johnny honestly wasn't thinking about how if he called the cops he wouldn't be implicated in any way since, hey, who calls the cops on themselves. He decided to run away and ditch the body in a lake.

"Now first," he thought, "I have to find a lake."

This task was a lot less difficult then it seemed. He lived in Salt Lake City, Utah. Yeah. So he went on his computer to Google Earth and saw it. "I'll dump her in the Great Salt Lake," he thought. He loaded the body in a carpet onto the back of his dad's pickup truck (who is seamlessly left out of the whole story) and drove to the Great Salt Lake.

Chapter 3: I never said it would have THAT much more than Chapter 1. Pfft. Chapter 1...

He reared in on the Great Salt Lake where he unloaded the body and threw it in. Now, if you don't know this; the salt content is SO high in the Great Salt Lake that things float in it. Even bodies. Yeah. The body just floated around the lake.

"Oh crap..." he mumbled.

WEEE WOO!!! Johnny heard the police coming so he dove into his dad's pickup. Diving probably wasn't the best method of getting inside because he hit his head on the steering wheel. Ouch. He turned the key and drove into the road and sped away. He didn't realize until 2 hours and 160 miles that the police were not chasing him.

Chapter 4: I know the chapters are short but... I'll try to make them longer.

He ended up somewhere around Provo (which I have no clue wahatsover if that's about 160 miles away from Salt Lake City but that's the only other town I know of in Utah so just deal with it). He got out of his dad's pickup and decided if the state police were after him, then he'd better catch a flight.

He drove to the airport that is in Provo if there is one and took the first flight to New York City. He flew first class with the money he took from his mother's wallet after she died. She was his mother but she said on multiple occasions that if she died he could take her money. Irony, eh?

He arrived at JFK Airport and spent 3 and a half days 30 minutes getting baggage. Afterwords, he decided to book a hotel room with the money he stole. It was on the 80th floor of some fancy hotel and he had a bunch of concierge stuff and room service and the works. Obviously, Johnny had never taken a class in "Escape the Cops 101" because rule number 53 is in fact, "Don't stay in fancy hotels in the nicest rooms and draw attention to yourself".

I don't know who teaches the class but he ought to get a lesson. So, as a little foreshadowing on my part tells us, that one of the room service staff recognized him as "The Kid Who Killed His Mother by Blunt Force Trauma and Dumped Her Body in the Great Salt Lake and oh Yeah There was Some Milk on the Ground but that Doesn't Have Anything to Do With Anything Killer".

The police stormed the building and Johnny was cornered. He dove out of his window and on to another, conveniently placed building with exactly 79 stories. Luckily, no one saw him do it so he waltzed away. Well... maybe not waltzed but you get the idea. He merrily walked away. Get off of my back! God dammit...

Chapter 5: See? I'm getting better.

He ran down the streets of New York City, turning around at every turn (which was kind of useless because all of the cops were still at the hotel). He decided to hijack a cab with his pocket knife. He found the first cab he saw and got in. The cab driver said, "Hey. 'ow ya doin?"

Johnny responded, "Alright.. 57th and Main."

Lights went flashing and sounds. The cabbie turned around, "This is the Cash Cab! It's a T.V. gameshow that takes place right here in my taxi. My name is Ben Bailey, I'll be your host-" Johnny whipped out his knife, "Get in the back," he said. The cabdriver got in the back and Johnny got behind the wheel. The cabdriver spoke, "You do realize you're being filmed at every angle right?"

Johnny laughed, "Yeah. But no one watches this show anyway." Screw you Johnny, I watch that show. Nevermind. Johnny continued along the road until he reached New Jersey. If you can name a place on God's green Earth worse than New Jersey, please list it below.

......... ....... Well, um, there's.... Well it's, um, obvious....It's on my tongue.... Okay you got me.

So as he was traveling through diarrhea I mean New Jersey, he got in many traffic jams. "What the hell is you're problem?" he would scream. The other driver generally gave him the bird. Specifically, a robin. They still wondered why a New York City cab was on the New Jersey turnpike. Hm... He eventually ended up in Delaware. No one really cares about Delaware but it is there, believe it or not. Right in between New Jersey and Maryland. See? See? Good.

Chapter 6: The Ridiculous Escapades of Johnny and Ben Bailey

Johnny needed to get gas so he got out and began to fill up the tank when Ben Bailey pulled out a gun, "Not so fast, buddy boy. I've got myself a weapon too but the only difference between mine and yours, is that if I use mine, we're all going to die. So you, get in the back of the car."

Now I don't know of any other occurrences of someone re-hijacking his car but I have to say, the concept of that is pretty bad ass (if I do say so myself). So Johnny got in the back of the car. Ben got in the front and said sternly, "So, what do you say, you wanna play?" Johnny shrugged, "I guess..."

"So let's take a ride in the Cash Cab"

Ben started the show, "The first questions are worth 25 dollars a piece so lets start."

"In 1908, a catastrophic earthquake hit what major city?"

Johnny was puzzled, "Los Angeles".

Ben made that face he does when they get an early one wrong, "Oh no! Strike one. You have two left or I'm gonna have to kick you out. So, next question."

"Where are you?"

Johnny was perplexed, "New Jersey?"

"Oh no! Strike 2. The answer was Delaware. One more of those and I'm gonna kick you out."

"Question 3: What wiki site is based off of humor and nonsense and has over 5,000 articles?"

Johnny was completely stumped, "Gay-o-pedia?"

"Sorry. You have to get out. It was Illogicopedia. Sorry man. Thanks for playing."

*cue ending music*

Believe it or not, that episode aired 5 months later.

Chapter 7: Alone, Cold, and Lost in DELAWARE!

Johnny had no idea where he was. "Where am I?" he repeatedly asked himself. Of course he was only a mile away from Dover, the capital and biggest city in Delaware but he didn't know that. He traveled for two days, stumbling around, hunting squirrels for their meat and cooking them on open fires and other stuff that he learned from extensive watchings of Man vs. Wild.

When finally he found civilization, it was a small cabin, 30 miles away from where the Cash Cab dropped him off.

"Hello!" he screamed into the cabin. A big bearded man stepped out of the cabin, "Who wants to know?" Johnny didn't know what to say, "Uh.. I didn't ask a question." The man shook his head, "My bad. Are ya hungry?" "No shit," Johnny said.

The man's facial expression changed drastically and his face turned red, "Did you use profanity around ME?!" The man ran inside and grabbed a shotgun and started firing. Johnny ran as fast as he could down beside the highway, the man firing shotgun shells behind him. He finally reached the Delaware-Maryland border where he kept running but the man stopped, "Damn probation. I can't cross state lines.." The man turned around and walked home.

Johnny kept walking until he hitched a ride with a random guy. "Hey friend," he said as Johnny entered the car. Johnny gazed at him, "Do I know you?" The man laughed, "No. My name is Richard, but you can call me Rich." Johnny mumbled, "Good for you..." Rich laughed, "Escapin' from the police, huh?" Johnny was started, "How did you know?" Rich again laughed, "You're all over the news. Of course I don't mind harboring a fugitive. It's pretty fun. I do it a lot in my spare time. Harbor a fugitive here, harbor a fugitive there, go on probation, get off probation, harbor another fugitive, you know how it goes." Johnny was like WTF? inside so he said, "No. I don't."

Rich rambled on for another good hour and smoked some weed and gave some to Johnny. They were partying. Well... until he crashed. "What the hell?" screamed Johnny. They were partying and smoking weed. I don't think a "what the hell?" is worthy. But I didn't say it so I can't decide.

Johnny stumbled out of the car while panting. He walked away with the typical scratches along his forehead and he walked, and walked and walked and guess what he did next? He didn't walk. He fell down and screamed. That's when the state trooper pulled up and arrested him.

Chapter 8: Prison Break Secret Season 5. Reviewers rave, "AMAZING!"

There Johnny was, sitting in a holding cell next to a fat drunk guy and a 20 year old vandal. A police officer unlocked the cell, "Johnny Smith, get up." Johnny got up, disarmed the police officer and ran out of the station. He started running south and finally reached the highway where he stopped in a quaint little town known as Scaryville.

Normally, anyone would never stop in Scaryville. Because in all realities, it is pretty scary. I'll just let you read about it.

He went into the place labeled, "Town Hall" and greeted someone there, "Hello?" The woman sitting there responded in a psychotic voice, "Oh hello there. Welcome to... Scaryville. Would you like a nice clean room in our nice clean inn?" Johnny thought it was great, "Yeah. How much?" The woman smiled, "Nothing. You see, we don't get many visitors. We like fresh blood..." Johnny was dumbfounded, "Fresh blood?" The woman realized what she had said, "Oh. I mean. As in.. uh.. New people; fresh blood. You know."

Johnny headed towards where she said the inn was. He booked himself a room and went to sleep. He was awoken by someone trying to bite his neck. "Holy shit," he screamed. He threw the man off of him. Johnny dove out of the window to see over 50 vampires waiting for him chanting, "Fresh blood". He thought, "Oh will someone help me?..."

Suddenly, over a few feet to the left, stood an AK-47. Johnny ran to it and mowed down all of the vampires. I know that vampires can't get killed by regular bullets but this is my story goddamit.

Chapter 9: Down; but not Out

After almost getting owned up by a bunch of vampires, Johnny decided to keep heading south through Virginia. He walked down the highway and hitched a ride to Georgia. "Now," he thought, "I just need to get to Florida".

His plan was to get from Florida to Puerto Rico because, as he said, "[he] needed to get to another country". Behold Johnny's intelligence.

He made it across the Georgia-Florida border and was stuck in the thick Okefenokee Swamp (no joke, that's what it's called). He wrestled some alligators and shot some innocent Indians with his AK-47. He spray fired up their teepees. He executed the men, slit the babies throats, raped the women and did everything else that is described in the song "Run to the Hills". After murdering hundreds of innocent people, he emerged from the swamp and on to Tallahassee.

He walked around a bit and tried to hitch a ride to Gainesville. But for the life of him, no one from Tallahassee wanted to go to Gainesville. Weird.

He traveled on foot to Gainesville and hitched a ride to Miami.

Chapter 10: 50% White, 10% Black, 20% Mexican, 20% Cuban, ALL GHETTO

Johnny was traveling through the ghetto of Miami and got caught up with some Cuban gangsters, "Hey little bitch. What the hell are you doing in these parts; huh?"

He didn't have enough time to come up with a lie so he told the truth, "I'm a fugitive and I'm trying to escape the country". The gangster looked at his gang and they all nodded. They backed off from Johnny. The head of them said, "Okay. I know a route to avoid the cops".

He pointed out a complex route out to the docks and how to smuggle yourself on to a packing ship to the Bahamas. Johnny had a half an hour until it left. He sprinted away to the docks and kept looking for cops.

He found the docks but couldn't find the Bahamas shipping boat. He searched and searched and the deadline was near. He decided to dive on the first ship that he saw, which happened to be the right one. The only problem was that he dove on it. Everyone knew he was there.

The captain pulled out a gun, "Freeze!" Johnny whipped out his AK-47 and shot them all up. He had never driven a boat but, hey, how hard could it be? He grabbed the wheel and steered it towards where he thought the Bahamas were. He ate the crews food and continued in the same direction.

He stayed there for multiple days and was getting weary. He slept most of the time and didn't go up to the top much. Finally, he heard people talking. It was Spanish but he didn't know the vital fact that people in the Bermudas speak English.

Chapter 11: Does an embargo include people?

Now if you couldn't guess by the chapter, where Johnny had landed was not in fact the Bahamas but Cuba. Everyone was looking at him. He didn't realize he wasn't in the Bahamas until he saw a worn-down wooden sign that said, "Welcome to Cuba THE WORLD'S MOST POPULAR TOURIST ATTRACTION!" (And the words on the sign were actually crossed out).

He was then approached by men who asked him where his I.D. was and he attempted to disarm them. He was taken to a high-security place where he was put in front of an old man with a cigar in his hand. The man smiled and looked at Johnny, "Oh hello there, American!"

Johnny snarled. The man laughed, "Clearly, you do not know who I am. I am Fidel Castro; the dictator of Cuba and one of the most feared men in the world". Johnny still didn't understand, "Who the fuck?..." Fidel sat up angrily, "Seriously? You don't know who I am?" he talked to his men, "Este chico es un idiota". The men nodded and turned back to Johnny.

Fidel spoke to Johnny, "Why do you come to my country?" Johnny spoke honestly, "I thought I was going to the Bahamas".

Fidel got pissed off, "You fucking idiot! You! How do I run my country with you American imbeciles running rampant?" he started pulling his hair, "Out! Out! Get him out!"

Fidel's men pulled Johnny out of the room while Fidel was screaming profanities in Spanish.

Chapter 12: Don't Mess with the Cubans

The men pulled Johnny into a cold dark place. Almost like a dungeon but you know; not a dungeon. Johnny broke the long, exasperated silence, "Why can't you let me go?"

One of the men smiled, "Are you freaking kidding me? We don't even let our birds leave Cuba."

Another henchman walked in the room with a long blade and a smirk on his face, "Well, well, well kiddo; it seems you've got yourself in a pretty tight spot. How about I," he sheathed the blade, "End it for ye?" Johnny fought back tears, "Piss off." The man just laughed, "We've got a fighter here, eh? In Spanish, we have a word for people like you: perdedor; loser. Because in the end, you just lose.

Johnny tried to gather his composure, "You know what I think? You're gonna let me go. And if you don't, you'd better expect hell from America." The henchman looked at Johnny, "Are you stupid? We've been doing bad shit for decades and the Americans have done nothing. They're powerless. What are they gonna do? Nuke us? We're too close to them. They'd kill more innocent Floridians then they can handle. They just make us become self-sufficient with their stupid embargoes but what do they do? We're still the terrible communist sons of bitches that we were fifty years ago. So don't act like the shit's gonna hit the fan just because a stupid Americano boy gets killed," he turned away to another henchman, "Tie him down".

They tied him down and just before they beheaded him with the blade he cried. He cried deeply.

So in the end, the point of this ENTIRE story was just to demonstrate a way where it is justifiable to cry over spilled milk.