John Edward

This article is burly men unfolding umbrellas.   Maybe you should help it on its way.

John Edward was on the way to the surgeon's to get his circumcision touched up when he realized that he was a feghoot. He suddenly stopped, standing stock still straddling betwixt ant twaddle, two worlds, one of strongarm henchmen sullying the name of Donald Trump, t'other cultivating a grand delusion of hisself trading tats for tits, teaching orphans to grope themselves wistfully, tragically boning ornery emus to prevent global thermonuclear war, hissing back at snakes, swimming to Ecuador for charity, trying on kimonos while Korean soccer players spit on him, wearing a "kick me" sign on his balls, publishing a journal tracking the progress of a family of murderous kangaroos living in suburban Los Angeles, undermining the government of Switzerland by posing as a Swiss tourist and urinating on strangers in international airports, forcing his employees to let his doctor perform candling on them and paint their toes with urethane floor sealer, snitching on fake psychics, flattening the tires of celebrities, disguising himself as Zsa Zsa Gabor and stalking people who look like the Mario brothers, mailing pinatas to himself under false pretenses, importing dogs from Belgium and selling them as batmooses, cloning himself in order to create his own country, celebrating Cinco de Mayo in August, gathering fruits and nuts for winter, breaking into elderly people's homes and snaking their drains, forming a committee against performing background checks on teachers, dropping clown wigs from tall buildings just to mess with people's minds, catapulting sheep over the Canadian border, making up Uzbekistani state secrets and selling them to the Mossad, collecting Milli Vanilli records, throwing crow's eggs at the Eiffel Tower, contradicting Oprah Winfrey whenever she wears green, holding his breath for 93 seconds every half hour of the day, discovering that the philosopher's stone will make aluminum out of lead, canoeing down the Concord River yelling "sasquatch", vehemently denying that the Holocaust occurred in Iceland, calling children under 6 "bawdy little monkeys", sculpting Harrier jet aircraft from butterscotch candies, passive-aggressively badgering the doormen at selected New York City buildings into selling chocolates to raise money for grinning fools, gathering moss for stones unable to roll, writing 3 featured articles for Illogicopedia, practicing law without a license, reaching for the stars, learning the national anthems of every member nation of the United Nations, accusing a French politician of eating babies, coding a website entirely in Prolog, encouraging pretty women to believe that he is handsome, suing the beavers of Canada for screwing with the environment, spreading rumors about virile Laotian men, stealing fire extinguishers from department stores, supporting gay marraige "only if we give them their own country", passing mild wings off as hot wings, claiming to have been at the Battle of Waterloo in a previous incarnation, setting fire to 7,955 pieces of wicker furniture, droppin' it like it's hot because it's a coffee mug made out of solid nitrogen, forging Anasazi rock drawings to confuse archeologists, watching a dog chew on his own ass, renting an apartment but calling it a flat, bass jumping off a Fender Starcaster - Natural, ignoring people with heterochromia, mailing letter farts to perceived enemies of his Portuguese neighbors, angling for compliments, literally blowing smoke up someone's ass to see why it's like bamboozling and developing a fear of crooners. Eight seconds later, he resumed walking and promptly forgot what he was thinking about.

Intent on arriving early to the doctor's office so he could read some magazines, Edward stepped up his pace and leaned into the growing gustiness along Cadillac Street. On an impulse, he popped into a hardware store to pick up some monkey wrenches and a hefty backpack to put them in. "just in case I run into one of those fuckers from South Park", he thought with the satisfaction that comes from being prepared. He was still mad that they called him the biggest douche in the universe. They also made him look kind of stupid.

"Hell, I'd like to give it to the Amazing Randy, while I'm at it", he muttered as he slowed down for a crosswalk. As usual, people were following him. Fans, FBI, haters, who knew? Last week he'd encountered the spirit of Yassar Arafat. That shook him up good.

As the little guy in the crosswalk sign lit up white, his muscle-memoried feet stepped off to navigate the bustle and make his destination in good time. Scanning about his eyes settled on a McDonald's, some shoe outlet, a gaggle of yammering twits huddled around a sunglasses display, the Sistine Chapel.. wait... Sistine? Chapel?