Master Chief

Holy Halliburton, this whole thing was about as awesome as a Lynyrd Skynrd concert. Get your Xbox 360 controllers ready for one of the best articles about one of the best people ever imagined: Master Chef...er, I mean Chief. Yes, Master Chief breaks the coolness levels of coolnossity with a coolness factor of 3(xy2)+90. That's a good reason to make him sound like some sort of prophetic god. Get your ass on the couch and go play a custom game on Halo 2. Do it now. Stop reading this warning. Now. OK, fine, be that way.

John Carpenter

Master Chief's real name is Mister Chief Master-at-Arms John Carpenter, he was named by his real mother "Robocop", much to the dismay of fans of the original Robocop. Both of them.

“HEY! Watch it!”

Jonas Planck on his hero Robocop

“You tell 'em, J.P.!”

Rusty The Boy Robot on Robocop

Childhood John's childhood wasn't happy, at the beginning of the universe, of course, the one that contained Oxygen. His Mother The Sexiest Woman Alive wanted to control his future, she wanted him to become an Homosexual Politician. Of course, John was not homosexual and didn't like the vast field of politics, so he decided to kill his Mother. He rubbed poison (A.I.D.S.) on his Mother's favorite armor, then, with his mother dead, John sold the rights for Old Heaven (Bungie Corp.) to the other more powerful heaven "Microsoft." John used this money to pay the small fees required to get him through elementary school, as well as a few used school supplies. Things were going good until about the 4th grade, where John had a carpenter class with the infamous Mario. Mario was everything John envied, Italian, a kick-ass carpenter, got to wear red, could show off his preteen mustache, always got the girl, and had a loyal sidekick/brother. John on the other hand was cold and emotionless, always hidden behind a helmet. It wasn't until the 5th grade that John had his revenge, when he tripped Mario in front of the whole class. Mario was such a wreck that he ran off and became a plumber instead. But John got suspended and sent to elementary military school for the remainder of his elementary sub-diploma/not-even-a-certificate.

Teenager

John spent his teenager days in r&r due to accidents with a sausage and snow. During his teen years, John was moody and enraged at one point. Captain Keyes was dismayed at this and forced his "slave" Dr. Hayley to construct John a sex toy. Hasley succeeded and thus, Cortana was born.

Master Chief graduated from IHOP High School on Reach and received full honors, being refered to by some as Master Chef. He enrolled in the military and has served as a cook and killer for the past 20 years.

The beginning of the Holy Console Wars

John was originally being planned to engage combat against the Macintosh Ethnic Group, but Bill Gates decided to engage combat on heretic countries, they are known as the Nintendo Republic and the PS Kingdom. His mission was to defeat the enemy's Secret War Machines and make the Xbox Empire powerful. The Heretic Machines were called:

Nintendo's GameCube: A small but deadly little purple box

The weapons installed on this machine are small sharp discs, and incredibly awful graphics proccesing unit created by the Jedi Masters Group "ATI." It comes in Purple, Carbon Black, Stylin' Silver, "Scary" Spice Orange, Winterfresh, Mango, Passion Fruit, and the legendary Un-color, from which no light can escape. It also has a Barney purse handle.

Sony's PlayStation Number 2 Console

The original machine was not small, but it was super deadly, to engage it in combat was suicide, it was not because of the weapons installed on the heretic machine, it was because of the number of Soldiers that contained in Regular Sized DVDs (That are very easy to copy). The second heretic machine IS way smaller than the original, Master Chief is still trying to destroy it.

John's accident in the middle of the Console Wars

In the middle of the holy war, John was crushed by many ignorant Sony fanboys because of a weapon called "KillZone." "KillZone" is another war machine--unlike the PS2 console, it was a 2 legged machine and a humanoid that has bad vision due to coming from a home planet of repeated textures and blurry 20:4,000 vision. Sony refered to "KillZone" as the "John Carpenter Killer", which rallied all the heretics to engage combat against John Carpenter. John was mighty, but not mighty enough to engage combat alone against 500,000,000,000 Screaming Ignorant Sony Fanboys. When he was attacked, he was making love to Samus in a cavern located in "Estoria." John killed 499,999,999,999 Fanboys with the guide of his true love Cortana(or so he implied, managing to fool her into thinking Samus was simply delivering pizza) , but John was too tired to keep on fighting, the fat girly dork fanboy fell because his shoe was untied and John tripped and hit himself with a spoon and it popped his eyes out. Despite this, he made one last stand against "KillZone," defeating it at the apparent cost of his own life. Microsoft was contacted by Cortana and Microsoft took action FAST, they sent an Mobile Facility to Estoria and John was tranfered to a Host Body, S.P.A.R.T.A.N.

The End of the Holy Console Wars 4

The Chief stands over a defeated Mario, and prepares to end the Console Wars, before Bill Gates removed the helmet from his suit. (What's sad is that the picture was made using Half-Life 2's source engine in Garry's Mod.)Yes, actually, they were 3 past wars, The first war was started Million of years before, with the Atari Empire vs The Nintendo Republic vs The Sega Island. Atari was defeated by both, then, the Second War Started when the Sony Galaxy created the PS Kingdom, this round ended in a "Tie" but a few years later, the poor people of the Sega Island were so poor they stoned themselves with large consumption of Starburst candy (until death), ending the third console war. The Fourth Console was started when Heaven (Microsoft) decidied to step in and create an Console of its own. The 4th console war ended when Master Chief killed the Nintendo President and Heretic Leader "Mario." Then, Sony and Microsoft decided to call it quits, that they were both tired.

After the war, ATARI and Microsoft made mini-war for no specific reason, however, Microsoft didn't use any of their weapons. Instead, they used the gigantic powerbrick from the Xbox 360. Even though it destroyed ATARIs attack, it also damaged the toes of the great god (Bill Gates) along with America, New hampshire and the universe. The powerbrick is now a known weapon for all Xbox 360 owners, never do they have to fear the other consoles mainly because there's no room for them to actually exist next to the powerbrick.

The S.P.A.R.T.A.N.

The Spartan sacred host body, based off of albot, it was created by one of our Holy Gods (Bill Gates) to save the life of his step son John, the abilities of this mobile war machine include preserving sexuality, incredible holy strength, dual wield small weapons, recharchable particle blocking sacred light and the color Green. S.P.A.R.T.A.N. stands for Super Penile Ass Raping To A Nintendo. Then Nintendo made The Wii and Mario came back to life by spagetti and Nathan Rands. However It is evidant that an unofficial "Truce" has been called Between Microsoft and Nintendo to attack the greater evil "Sony" They Did this by Raising the Price of The Playstation 3, and by throwing pasta into the circuitary, thus making the ps3 unreliable and easy to beat. Sony Called off the UK launch until march making Britain a Microsoft Republic.

The Master Chief Mansion

Thats right folks, Master Chief has a Mansion, not a House. Its located on Heaven, its also a Facility, its rumored to be the main facility to create the next Xbox, named Xbox 360. Although its a Facility too, Master Chief lives here with his wife/pleasure factory Samus, AI Cortana, and his son, and ninja, Ryu Hayabusa.to spend 2 nights for 2 million dollars on the Master Chief Mansion. Master Chief also uses it to host light switch raves on select friday nights. Only his closest friends are invited, and rumour has that they are veritable orgies, but with flashing lights and loud bass beats.

MC Crew is calling you.
Answer (Alt+C) Decline (Alt+D) 

You have answered the call

Rivalry with Gordon Freeman

After Gordon Freeman became popular, he was given a place in Halo (A powerful weapon from Microsoft and Bungie that destroyed a great part of the Nintendo Republic). While on the set, Freeman ate lunch with the Master Chief. The two swapped stories of their own manly exploits, when the Freeman dared the Master Chief to one-up his story of "that time I beat the shit out of a huge basketball player with AIDS." When the Master Chief responded that it is Magic Johnson who has AIDS and not Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Freeman scratched his helmet using Crowbar-Fu.

The first greatly publicized conflict between the two was a freestyle rap battle, in which the Master Chief spoke the famous verse, "Y'all nerds ain't wearing nothin' but the glass/Y'all don't realize that it's David Hass/Lehoff that's much coola than y'all/Now I'ma slap youse balls." The Master Chief then attempted to assault Freeman's groin, only to have his hand devoured by Freeman's personal invention, the "HiveHardon." John then broke Freeman's glasses, and even though Gordon didn't notice until later, the Chief used the glasses to make the green eyepieces for the helmets of the Bungie employees who sometimes fought with him. Freeman then laughed continously for a half-hour, causing him to get booed off-stage. Thirteen years later, it was discovered that this laughter is identical to every single ever released by Enya when played upwards.

Since then, the pair have feuded without break. Their antics have been the subject of the mass media for several years now. A list of their feuds includes, but is not limited to:

• Freeman substituting the Master Chief's Pepsi with Moxie.
• The Master Chief delaying Half-Life 2 for several centuries.
• The Master Chief dressing up in a suit and standing in locations where Freeman *can clearly see but not assault him.
• Freeman turning the Master Cheif's best buddy into a giant headcrab.
• Master Chief cloning Freeman's buddies (the clones were later killed off).
• Freeman murdering the Master Chief's favorite musician, Kurt Cobain
• The Master Chief murdering Freeman's favorite rapper, Notorious B.I.G.
• Freeman making sweet, sweet, crowbar love to the Master Chief's girlfriend, Cortana
• The Master Chief thrusting his 'assault rifle' (halo 2 assault rifle) up Freeman's girlfriend, Alyx, but it broke due to Microsoft making it to crappy for "Gameplay Reasons".
• Freeman destroying The Master Chief's girlfriend's Uncyclopedia page.
• Master Chief banging Freeman's Mom, Yvette Freeman.
• Freeman disclosing that Yvette Freeman is not his mom.
• Master Chief dropping cars on Freeman and Breen
• Freeman ramming his crowbar on Master Chief's head (Or helmet...whataver you call it.)
• Master Chief ramming grenades on Freeman.
• Freeman screaming like a zombie, then exploding.
• Master Chief laughing his ass off and wetting, shitting and neutering himself.
• Freeman quickloading and laughing haughtily at Master Chief for his lack of bladder control.
• Master Chief grenading Freeman again.
• Freeman catching the grenade with his Gravity Gun and blowing up Master Chief.
• Master Chief quickloading and nadespamming Freeman.
• Freeman ruining Chief's sushi.
• The Chief kicking Freeman's pet, Dog
• Freeman Raping Cortanna
• Chief pointing out that Cortana is holographic and thus can't really be raped.
• Gordon making a pic of him killing Chief on the web.
• Chief making a vid of Freeman wandering around blindly without his glasses.
• Gordon using his looks to make a connection to Chuck Norris.
• Chief using his name to make a connection to Big Boss (Boss=Master.)
• Gordon mailing Master Chief to Wikipedia.
• Chief hiring Wikipedians to kill Gordan, but Gordan killed all the Wikipedians.
• Chief passing the baton of Cancer to Gordon without Freeman knowing what hit him.
• The chief accidentaly shot Freeman's dog with a battle rifle.

(At this point, Mr. T stepped in to end this internet fanwar as the first episode of his show. He should be out of hospital any year now.)

• The Universe gets sick and tired of the dispute and voids all life in the Milky Way.
• The Universe gets its ass kicked by Freeman and the Chief, who return to the fray.

Rumors

According to the United States Navy, Master Chief does not, in fact, hold the rank of Master Chief Petty Officer (Pay Grade E-9). Thus, by referring to himself as such, he has opened himself to charges of impersonating a non-commissioned officer in the U.S. Military.

Trivia

• Master Chief is one of the usually shy "Ninjas Who Just Didn't Make It". Usually, most of these non-ninjas are secluded away in shame, but in the fantasy universe in which Master Chief lies no-one knows about ninjas, and thus his less than ninja skills seem truly awesome and magical.

• Rumor has it that Master Chief once hooked up with The Predator and Doctor Octopus to form a band known as the Three Wise Men.

• There are rumors that say that Master Chief was seen eating dinner with Catherine Zeta Jones, (creator of Cortana) and later they were seen going to an hotel alone.

• There is another rumor that says that Cortana, during their relationship, cheated back at Master Chief with Gordon Freeman.

• It has been rumored that Master Chief is in fact Robo from Chrono Trigger

• It is rumored that Master Chief is only as good as Justin DeNeve

• Yet another rumor, they say that Master Chief banged Alyx Vance but not to cheat on Cortana again, it was because he fucking hates Gordon Freeman.

• Another rumor is that Master Chief had sex with his new girlfriend Samus Aran. This has not been confirmed by either party involved

• Some speculate that the name Master Chief is actually a misspelling of Master Chef. There is evidence that the MC is skilled at cooking...due to his winning the Food Network 117th Annual Master Chef Competition.

• There is a rumor sugesting that Master Chief is Chuck Norris. This , however, is untrue being that Master Chief tried killed Chuck Norris in public. However, Chuck Norris killed him back. Twice. Plus, they are both seperate members of The Love Children of Darth Vader, so it cannot be true. After, Master Chief quickloaded and kicked Chuck Norris in the groin for killing him twice, but Chuck's Holy Balls caused a feedback loop in Master Cheif's armour, causing his head to asplode. Chuck Norris then walked off to find more victims. The dispute that Gordon Freeman is Chuck Norris has ended, because Gordon Freeman is such a pussy, so he couldn't be Chuck Norris. The simple fact of thinking that Chuck Norris is Gordon Freeman makes Chuck Norris very angry. Warning! Chuck Norris can round-house kick you if you think that he is Gordon Freeman!

• It is rumored Denzel Washington will play Master Chief in the upcoming HALO movie.

• It is rumored that Master Chief dated Lara Croft, but eventually got bored

• Rumors have circulated that during his teenage years, he had a brief fling with Samus Aran, leading to the birth of Megaman Trigger. Master Chief denies the accusations, presumably to avoid paying Child Support.

• It is also rumored that Master Chief saw the movie Stick It too many times, since he constantly insults his oppenents by saying, "go stick your self" (with a plasma grenade)