Mission Control

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HELLO! Mission Control, oh how loverly it is to talk to you once again! Remember me? I spoke to you about 10 seconds ago. It's your captain speaking! Not your captain, Mission Control! The captain of this big boat thing!

Its a space boat I think! I think we're in... wait... hold onnnnnnn...

OH MY GOOD GOSH GOLLY GORGALASH! We ARE in space!!!! Holy shit Mission Control! DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS?!

Check Engines

Hey now, I'm the captain on this boat, Mission Control. I don't even know what the fuck we're supposed to be doing on this thing. I can't feel my feet! Am I not supposed to feel my feet?! Oh okay I get it, theres no gravity here. We'll you might've told me that sometime before this fucking ship set sail, Mission Control! I've got a crew of 5 here, plus me, and now none of us can stay in our seats! We're floating around the cabin like a bunch of god damn astronauts!

How the f*** did THIS happen!?!?

You are Astronauts

WELL ISN'T THAT JUST FUCKIN' NEWS TO ME! I thought I was piloting a Carnival cruise to Baha, but no, now I'm an astronaut?! Are you people fucking crazy?!!! I've never flown a jet before! I've never talked to foreign diplomats or pondered the long-term effects of humans on planet earth! I've been reading comic books man! I hope NASA knows about this!

We are NASA

Well holy shit indeed. HO. LY. SHIZNAT. NASA, supposedly a respectable organization of nerdy cocklicks with Ph.Ds in shit, sends ME into space?! I WANTED TO BE CAPTAIN OF THE S.S. GOODTIMES! Not an interstellar spacecraft! I'm not speaking to you anymore Mission Control, it'll just get me upset.

Aw Come On...

NO.

Aw Come On, PLEEEASE?

NO MISSION CONTROL. I didn't want to go to space today. I had a lovely afternoon filled with arts and crafts planned for today. I was gunna watch the Home and Garden Network, finish up some knitting I'd started. But NO. Now I'm in space, captain of a space ship with 5 dipshits I don't know anything about. I can't trust these fuckers! They don't know anything about knitting!

Knitting is Not the Objective

I didn't even know there was an objective. How do you people decide who flies these things anyway? Is that Jupiter over there?! GOD FUCKING DAMN IT MAN! Hold on, apparently another thing NASA overlooks is alcohol in the cockpit. I'm going to get hammered while you try to explain this supremely fucked up situation to me.

Well, it's Actually Quite Simple..

SAVE IT. I've had enough of you Mission Control. We used to be good friends. I used to enjoy talking to you on the weekends. I used to think things like "oh, I've got 2 tickets to the local comedy club, who should I take.. hmm.. Oh, ya know what, I should probably give Mission Control a call and see whats goin' on." But those days are OVER, you hear me?! I was supposed to be sipping margaritas with senoritas on the beach..ahs. But AM I?!?!?! NO! I'm in FUCKING space!!! SPACE IS NOT THE KINDA PLACE TO RAISE YOUR KIDS DICKHEAD!

So piss off, Mission Control. I'm flying this fuckin thing back to earth right now. I'm turning it around, steering the wheel, and sending it right back down to land. I hope we crash land right in the middle of Shea Stadium you sack of dog vomit!

Thank You

THANK YOU?! Why would you be thanking me?! I'm about to crash a multibillion-dollar aerospace construct back into earth without gathering the slightest bit of data about the galaxy! Are you mental? Are you seriously retarded Mission Control?

The Mission was Designed to Test the Human Capacity for Reentry Crash Landings, Captain

Um... Oh. Did I sign up for that?

Yes. While You Were Drunk. Just Like Now.

Shit.. Well what do you call a mission like that?

Operation Crash Test Alcoholics

FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Magnificent Madness This article was one of the Top Ten Articles of 2009.