Montreal Canadiens
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“Vive les Habitants!”
“They scoooooore!”
| Conference | Eastern |
| Division | Northeast |
| Founded | 69 B.C. |
| Arena | 69 Place |
| City | Montréal |
| Colours | Dark Pink, Caucasian et Bla |
| Owner | Réné Lévésqué |
| General Manager | Ma mere |
| Head Coach | Senile former Selke Trophy winner |
| Captain | Suk U Coyvoo |
| Stanley Cups | 999999999999999999999999999999999999999.1 |
| Conference Championships | 0 1/2 they almost did but they ate too much poutine |
The Montreal Canadiens (not to be confused with the Montreal Canadians) are a group of French dudes living in the Nation of Quebec. Their average salary is like over a million buck US, making them the richest bunch of people in the world.
They dress in red, white and blue and are born wearing a pair of skates and with a bent wooden stick in their hands, although the new generation of Montreal Canadiens are often born with graphite composite ones. You would think they were trying to be Americans.
The Montreal Canadiens are just like the normal Canadians, except with a spelling disorder. In fact, the only thing holding Quebec's independence back is that the Quebecois are too lazy to change the Canadiens name.
They are known as the Habs, a group of people deticated to hide a secret treasure from Bill Gates and Nicolas Cage.
Goalies[edit | edit source]
Goalies have never had success in Montreal, since Ken Dryden (aka reddy mc redderson). Yet, some say that he is twice as good as super-goalie extraordinaire, Jacques Plante, who Dryden's skills were loosely based on. Once Ken Dryden retired, he was not replaced, so the Canadiens continued to dominate the league even with an empty net, some guy I think his name was Patrice Roye was the guy who shined the posts for the empty net. his name doesn't matter anyways since he didn't amount to anything, except a Hall of Famer. But that's nothing and all he does now is give orders for his players to viciously sexually assault young men for no reason. Today the Canadiens play withy an elephant in goal.
Defence[edit | edit source]
Waldo, with his skilled hiding skills, he can pop out at a moments notice and steal the puck. A llama with amazing spitting abilities is just perfect for a racist french hockey team. He makes his opponents feel completely unwanted and emotional.
Captains[edit | edit source]
Their current captain is a Finn, we don't know what kind of fish it's from but its weakness is it's eye. Seemingly, he's the greatest player that ever lived that no one other than people from Quebec knows about. Also note that this Fin enjoys team orgies in the shower after games. And generally, one of the chicken market types who cook pizza in traditional ovens don't always calm when prompted and/or indicated generally. That is just one point that should or could be elucidated upon, generally, related to the Canadaiaines Montreloain Magristraiumanitus.
Rivalry[edit | edit source]
They are the most feared team in the league, all the other teams piss in their pants when playing against them. The only team that have ever stood up to them are the Phoenix Coyotes; on Friday the 13th, Wayne Gretzky scored in the empty net after the opening faceoff ending the empty net's shutout streak of a gazillion games and that's why Friday the 13th is such a bad day for everybody. Their biggest fear is the Toronto Maple Leafs.
- Unfair refereeing depending on the referee's origins.
- Darcy Tucker being hit over and over.
- One injury to Saku Koivu.
- Chris Higgins hitting a post 15000 times.
- (Remember The time Kovalev faked a wrist injury to draw a penalty? then Boston scored? In over time?)
- Mats Sundin falling down and crying for a penalty.
- Andrew Raycroft admiring the pretty red light behind his net. As of the 2007-08 season, Vesa Toskala also admires this sight, having seldom seen it at San Jose. You know, the good team he used to play for.
- Regulation time solving nothing.
- Overtime solving nothing.
- Shootout solving nothing (until the eighth shooter, anyway).
- Leafs fans chanting MVP to Wade Belak.
- Habs fans screaming that "OLÉOLÉOLÉOLÉ" thing.
- Some bum just called up from the minors becoming a household name by midnight in Quebec while the rest of the world doesn't give a darn (see: Patrick Traverse).
- Jaromir Jagr jumping on the ice and scoring 20 goals.
Outside of N.America[edit | edit source]
It has been recently discovered that the Montreal Canadiens have developed a large cult, that seems to follow the group religiously. For years now they have been challenging other religions for most popular. These groups of 'cults' can be found mostly in europe, but have begin to rise up in such places as: Australia, Asia, S.America, Africa, Galapagos Isle., N.Pole, S.Pole, your moms butt crack and recently in Western Canada. The cult has some strange traditions including the following:
- Painfully watch the Habs (Canadiens) from night to night, at the same time being under the impression "this is better than watching paint dry"
- Believe everyone on the roster is the greatest thing since sliced bread, including players who have never done anything for such a classification (see: Guillaume Latendresse)
- In special cases, berate a player his entire career, replace him with some overrated guy who is out of the league in four seasons, then proceed to speak highly of the said berated player that as if nothing was ever said bad about him. In rare cases, a berated player will return and Habs fans claim to have amnesia about prior incidents (see: Patrice Brisebois). Also, please note this claim has been unstantiated since this requires Canadiens fans to actually have recollections prior to 1993 and from 1993 back to when Guy LaFleur "retired".
- Speak French (/me shuddders)
- Believing they are better than the Maple Laffs (or their minor league affiliate, the Marple Dicks) during seasons they are clearly not. Canadiens fans will just go with the customary greeting of "you guys haven't won the Cup since Andy Griffith was first-run" then go about their business.
- Some how come up with the equation that Sergei Kostitsyn > Mama Staal, so the Kostitsyn brothers > the Staal brothers and think it's great logic. They do also come up with the equation that Mama Staal > Sir Jon Bates Battaglia, The Greatest One, a fact even the Maple Laffs won't dispute.
- Smoke a cigarette at the designated smoking area in the parking lot even if it's -30 degrees Fahrenheit outside, an ironic twist that parallels their addiction to the Habs.
- Believe that Vincent Lecavalier really wants to play for the Canadiens club even when he continually re-signs with the Tampa Bay Crapping, and knows his only real goal in life is to not win the Cup, but to take his rightful place in the hall of Vincents (see: Vincent Damphousse Sucks).