Pizzagate

Pizzagate is a conspiracy uncovered by Chris Cornell and Chester Bennington while schlepping around in England.

Chris and Chester were sitting at the top of Rame Head when they spotted their contact: a man wearing an American rainbow trout and carrying a dry monkey head. Chris thought he didn't look much like a native of English soil, but he couldn't be sure.

"What difference does it make?" he thought. "I better get off my ass and go do what I need to do." So Chris and Cornell walked over to him.

"Know any good pizza joints around here? We've been waiting forever," Chester said.

"You're looking for pizza around here?"

"I guess. We're here, so it wouldn't make sense if we looked anywhere else."

"Where exactly are you from anyhow?"

"Los Ang--"

"TWO HUN--" Chris interrupted.

"So you're one of 'them'?"

"Santiago." said the man known as Santiago.

"Santiago barada nikto," said Chris and Chester's contact.

"Does that mean I can't use the ice pick?"

"Yes," The Contact said in an overabundance of caution. "It'd be best if you stayed out of this."

"Anyway, about the pizza?" asked Chester.

"Oh, right. There's a place down the road you could call."

"Great, but I don't have my phone."

"Here, just use mine," said The Contact as he handed his cell phone to Chester. On the screen was a list of politicians and celebrities who almost certainly met Wikipedia's criteria for notability."

Chester leaned over to Chris and said, "Got it."

Santiago and The Contact assumed the 70-30 position.

Chris and Chester's hearts raced as they sped down the slopes of Rame Head as Santiago and The Contact lumbered behind them. It's hard to run in the 70-30 position. What adventures await our secret agents?