Linkin Park
To be confused with any other trashy nu-metal band which became irrelevant after 2007. We think.
“Well, obviously, we have a rapist in Linkin Park.”
It starts with...
Linkin Park is the codename of a covert group of advanced scientists from around the world (and also from certain parts of da hood) who have been performing experiments at the Sound Institute aimed at inventing a reliable audio-weapons system since 1999. Led by Professor Michael Shinoda and physicist Joseph Hahn, these academics published their initial findings and the first formulas they invented to explain them in October 2000. Their revolutionary new idea was called Hybrid Theory.
Hybrid Theory[edit | edit source]
The premise of Hybrid Theory is very complicated, but only if you're a total retard. Basically, it first assumes that people who listen to extremely loud music are likely to have damaged hearing. It also assumes that people who listen to really stupid music are likely to become really stupid. Most of their experiments were aimed at finding the stupidest possible combination of sounds that were just barely enough within the parameters of what could be called music by most teenagers to become ammunition for their audio-weapons system, which was then turned backwards to check for Satanic messages and released as Warner Brothers cartoons records.
To create the most damaging music possible for their new audio-weapons system, they had to go outside the established parameters of the music industry and hire ghostwriters to write all of their songs for them and make it look like Mike Shinoda can actually read music. After observing these ghostwriters, the scientists of Linkin Park settled on a musical style that was a hybrid between the worst two kinds of music known to man: Rap and Metal. This is why their idea was called "Hybrid Theory". Due to the fact that some of these songs were used for relentlessly mocking the people that listen to it, they were disowned by everyone. Except the band. Who continue to play them at every show.
High Voltage[edit | edit source]
High Voltage is the power source of the audio weapons system. It comes at you from every side. It was invented when Professor Shinoda was digging in the crates. This was back when he was living in space - before the rat race, and before monkeys had human traits.
First, he mastered numerology and big-bang theology, and then he began preforming lobotomies with telekinetic psychology. Being a somewhat religious and sentimental man, (as evidenced by the fact that he has appeared in music videos that take place in a church) he invented the mike so he could start blessing it and began chin-checkin’ kids to make his point like an impressionist.
Many other men have tried to shake Linkin Park, but they twist Mike into double helixes and show them what he’s made of. This buckles his knees like leg braces and makes him say strange things like "instrumental-ness" and because of that, all of the emcees they hate him.
Some of the clones that resulted from applying Linkin Park's theories got a kink in their backbones with microphones, and never satisfy their rhyme "Jones". Their blood type is "Technicolor Type A".
Reanimation and Meteora[edit | edit source]
After much initial critism, they decided to publish several more theories to explain apparent gaps in the original one. They succeeded in reanimating the project but got distracted by a bug in their new weapons system: some astronomical interferance caused by meteors. This resulted in a new formula to overcome this difficulty, called "Meteora".
The theory is simplified[edit | edit source]
They still weren't happy with how intelligent their theory was so they decided to dumb it down so that even poorly educated black kids could understand it. After performing some very complicated algebra that is beyond the scope of this article, the entire Linkin Park Theorem boils down to this simple equation: [1]
LP + JZ = MTV
The New Weapon is Deployed[edit | edit source]
In July 2005, the military of the Nationally Elected Gangsta Regulatory Organization deployed the weapon in a top-secret secure facility called Fort Minor, the location of which is still classified. The test was reportedly successful.
The New New Weapon[edit | edit source]
When it was revealed that Fort Minor sucked, Professor Michael Shinoda returned to the Linkin Park testing lab to begin on his newest project. It is scheduled to be revealed minutes to midnight.
Minutes to Midnight Is Here![edit | edit source]
It was entirely different to any of their so-far other projects, seeing as other laboratories, such as the Evanescence Project and the Initiative of Faith, had abandoned their experiments in this style. So LP decided to use new chemicals, new solutions, to test for their new project. It divided the scientific community significantly, seeing as the many who were used to the chemical compounds that they had released over the past 8 years were going to obviously not enjoy the results. They referred to the new system as a 'New Divide', and it eventually inspired a new chemical reaction in the lab, but not after a while.
The rest, as they say, is so boring we won't put it here unless someone can write about it without inducing rants and annoyance.
But I tried. In conclusion...
One More Light[edit | edit source]
WHAT IS THIS POP RUBBISH?
Yeah, right. See what I mean?
Um ...[edit | edit source]
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So Linkin Park-. Hey. Listen.
DON'T TURN YOUR BACK ON ME I WON'T BE IGNORED!!!!</BIG?>
Okay... Dude
DON'T STAY!!!!
Dude stop talking.
SHUT UP WHEN I'M TALKIN' TO YOU!!! SHUT UP!!!!
Leave? Be that way.
But in the end...
...
Wasn't that fun? Let's try something else!