Schrödinger's Jesús

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  Schrödinger's Jesús WILL save you!  
The legendary box in which Irwin Rommel sealed Schrödinger's manservant, Jesús.

Schrödinger's Jesús is the name of a thought experiment first devised by Irwin Rommel in 1934. After inventing language on December 12, 1933, Professor Rommel's wife noticed a loose thread on Heinrich Himmler's collar. This predipitated[1] a series of events that led Mrs. Prof. Rommel to be institutionalized in a house for insane Germans whose husbands were forced to suicide due to unpopular opinions.

The thought experiment is simple but intriguing, in that its correct solution leads the solver to eternal life or a brand new Cadillac!

How To Do It[edit]

Well, depending on how well you know the person, one initially might engage in light conversation during the initial meeting. If you know each other well enough, you can dispense with formalities and go straight on to inserting the penis into the vagina. That's pretty much it. Well, some writhing, noises, calling God's name and the cleanup. Then you're done.

How To Do The Schrödinger's Jesús Thought Experiment[edit]

First, imagine really, really hard that Schrödinger's manservant and former GOP Party Chairman Jesús has been clubbed unconscious and placed in an immovable box. The box is sealed with construction glue and drywall screws and placed in a hermitage for 420 years.

Next, imagine almost as hard, that Schrödinger's manservant Jesús has a bottle of thiamine, a bottle of catsup and a radioactive curmudgeon. Given a cudgel[2] and better-than-average depth perception, will Jesús survive?

The Answer[edit]

There are many probable answers to this question, listed in order of importance;;;;;;;;;[3]

  1. God did it.
    1. God did it with a cudgel.
    2. God did it with His sense of racial superiority.
    3. God did it by inventing Star Trek.
  2. Frequent breast exams.
  3. No, but he's a Catholic so he goes to Heaven Purgatory.
  4. String Theory.
    1. Cat's Cradle revision.
    2. A pissing contest.
  5. "On Being & Time" by Martin Heidegger

See Also[edit]


  1. No, it's not a misspelling, mind your own business!
  2. Curmudgeons famously carry cudgels
  3. You may dislike my punctuation. If so, bugger off
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