Science Fair

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Johnny was assured his would win first prize. He spent fifty eight days on this glowing masterpiece. It was so great he frequently would masturbate at the sight of it. His experiment so revolutionary it would blow the mind of every single living person in the world. For he had discovered that; in fact, the sky is green. Yes. The sky is green; at least that's his report said. You see, Johnny was so desperate for an A that he actually faked the science fair. Yes, he faked the science fair.

He turned his science fair exhibit in with his fabricated results in to his teacher the moment it was due. Remember, results don't lie.

His science teacher was shocked, "This is impossible... Improbable. How?" He was lost for words.

Johnny smiled, "I know. That's what I thought. But remember what you said Mr. Smith; the results don't lie."

No Johnny. Mr. Smith didn't say that... I did.

Johnny creamed the competition in his school's science fair and shellacked all of regionals. He was on a roll. Judges were stunned by his project. Flabbergasted; if you will (which you will because I'm the author). The states were easy and he was now getting national attention. Albert Einstein turned over in his grave. Just kidding. Not really. He could have. I really don't know.

Newscasters were saying, "This is the biggest conspiracy since Tupac hid in that cave somewhere in Afghanistan. Wait... That was Osama Bin Laden."

Johnny's project was now guaranteed to win nationals. The evidence was so perfectly backed up it was hard not to believe. Immediately, all songs with the words "blue sky" were changed to "green sky" just to keep up with new evidence. Steven Hawking looked at the project and was so amazed he became completely paralyzed... Wait... I think he was before then.

When Johnny brought his project to nationals, 90% percent of his competition immediately doused themselves in gasoline while mumbling vague religious things and threw a match in the air and burst into flames. The other ten percent slit their throats. He was awarded with a huge trophy, ten thousand dollars, and a scholarship to every college... anywhere.

The head judge said during his speech, "I do believe that Johnny Desmond Tyrone Jamaal Patterson made the greatest breakthrough in modern science since Dalton, maybe farther back to Copernicus, fuck maybe this is the biggest ever! So Johnny, I hope you do go onto bigger and better things in the science world but make sure to get rid of your 3 black middle names; okay?"

Johnny simply nodded.

He went home on a jumbo jet back to his northeast Illinois home. What did he do with the 10k? He spent all of it on videogames and Mountain Dew. Especially Mountain Dew. Johnny glanced at his science fair exhibit. It looked just like this:


Yes, his only evidence is "Because I said so". Ingenious. No one could prove him wrong. What? Are they gonna say that he didn't say so?

Three months after his miraculous victory, a man came to his door while Johnny's parents weren't home. The man wore a black hat, a scarf, sunglasses, a black suit, black pants, and black dress shoes. He looked at Johnny through his tinted sunglasses.

"You mother fucking bitch!" He screamed. He threw Johnny against the wall.

"I was the first to say the sky was green. And you got the credit? And all of your evidence is simply because I said so. I HAD HARD EVIDENCE!" He released him from his grasp.

Johnny was scared, "I'm sorry sir; I just did it to get an A on the science fair. I didn't mean to steal your ideas."

"WHAAAT?!?!? YOU FAKED IT?" He threw Johnny up against the wall again, "I've spent hundreds; THOUSANDS of hours on proving the sky is green but you get national attention because you FAKED IT!?!?! You little piece of shit. Now I'll spend my days RUINING YOUR REPUTATION!"

The man began for the door but Johnny wailed, "Wait!"

"Why should I do that?" The man asked cooly.

"Because I know how to get you credit."

The both smiled creepily in unison.

Johnny's plan was to have a press meeting and say that the man in the black hat as he will be called had all of the evidence and they both deserve credit. Now Johnny just needed to find out how to have a press meeting.

Johnny called his buddy Jim Mora for some tips on how to have a successful press conference and how not to make a fool of yourself. He decided to have his press conference in his school's cafeteria. Contrary to what you may think; the place was packed tight when Johnny arrived along with the man in the black hat.

"Excuse me," began Johnny, "I know I'm now famous for my discovery about the sky being green in all but I do believe there's someone else who needs credit. His name is Man N. Thablakat and his research has proved my hypothesis more than any of my evidence. Give it up for Man!"

The crowd began to cheer loudly. Some actually ripped off their shirts. Johnny jizzed in his pants a bit when the women started ripping off their shirts.

Man sat down in front of the mic, "Hello. My name is Man N. Thablakat as you know. I do believe the sky is green and I can back it up as well. The sky is green because the way our eyes work, we see blue when it's actually green. I don't want to explain it all but it's in the pamphlet under your seats. Thank you."

Everyone was going crazy. A massive orgy began in the crowd featuring men and women alike. Nearly everyone not participating in the orgy was video taping in. In total, there were forty reported pregnancies from this event.

Johnny and Man walked off of the stage and gave each other a high-five.

"It worked like the Holocaust," said Man.

Johnny stopped him, "But the Holocaust really didn't reach it's goal. It's goal could have been to kill 12 million people but it's still a bit racially insensitive, don't you think?"

"Oh. I apologize."

They were driven home by Johnny's personal chauffeur, Jeeves. Johnny loved asking his chauffeur questions simply to tell everyone he "asked Jeeves".

Man got a call from a man at about 9:30 that night.

He said, "Hello. This is Tom Orello from Harvard University. We have a new department on meteorology opening up and we'd like you to be the head. Whaddaya say?"

Man was stunned. Harvard?

He stuttered a bit, "E-e-excuse me. Did you say H-Harvard?"

Tom smiled, "Yes. Harvard."

Man smiled as well, "When can I start?"

Johnny went to school the next day and was removed from school and put into college due to his geniusness.

So kids, the moral of this story is that sometimes good things do happen to people that don't do good. I mean, the good guy doesn't always win. There isn't always a happy ending.

Epilogue[edit | edit source]

Johnny flunked out of college and was put back in middle school where he repeated eighth grade 3 times. He now lives in Iowa with his seven kids and wife, still living off of the 45 billion dollars he made for his discoveries.

Man is still the head of the meteorology department at Harvard University and no one has been able to prove him wrong so far. He has changed his name to Ben Dover because of a recommendation of one of his not-so-bright understudies. He still chuckles to this day.