Side

Attracted to the icy spicy samba rhythms of the Bird’s Eye Chilli, the manager of Soho’s Pizza Express even introduced live jazz to repel the vermin. “It’s like dis,” he said, miming a whelk-suck and gesturing towards his knee. “Den - it like dis,” he continued, dropping to the floor and miming a saxophone, before embarking on an extended set-piece denoting a lingering, desolate absence of all marine life.

“Hahahahahahaargh,” he continued, stretching a ball of dough over his forehead and sinking into a melancholy from which he would never recover.