Sleeping out loud

The refrigerator finally quieted down. The house is empty. But it is not empty, for I am here. I am alone with my computer, surrounded by furniture and decorations, including the mail from last week that still sits on my kitchen table. The best writing is done at night when it comes to nonsense, for the sensible part of the brain is already asleep. Concepts link to concept. Words link to words, as for of from to. Who am I to teach? For my learning was a long time ago and much is forgotten. Silence. Deep breath. Eyes blur the screen, but the glasses are in the other room. They have gone to bed. My cat craves treats. She sits behind me. I live in a different place in my dreams. Here, the walls are a gentle pastel pumpkin color with gold speckles. There, the walls are turquoise, and the bookshelves are nicer, not plywood like the ones I have. There are boxes of stuff on the floor. Shoes. Pajamas. Laundry. Onions. Yes, onions. My refrigerator is growling at me again. It is complaining that I am out of milk. But I am also out of cereal, so that does not matter. I am out of vegetables, but have apples. Too bad I don't like jelly. I don't like mustard either, nor mayonnaise. Slam the door but nothing happens. Slam the other door and still nothing happens. Light some incense, and pray to God but think of Goddess. The Old deities are my new deities, and the new deities are my old deities. I love them all, and wish they would not fight with each other inside my mind. I go to church on Sundays, and I like the idea of casting spells on myself. I make myself magically better, to a certain extent. I like that if what I want didn't happen it is my own fault, not the result of being punished. My mind is wicked, but my mind wants good, and yet my mind is good because it chooses good. Sometimes my heart makes mistakes, so I ignore my heart yet again. But sometimes I cannot tell the difference between my heart and my mind. Sometimes I do not know what I want, so I avoid the problem by ignoring it until I go to sleep. Will I be punished for my indecision, or for wanting what I cannot truly have? Can I become something that I am not but once was? Can I think the way I used to, now that I have learned a different way? Can I teach something that I knew but am no longer fully convinced of? If I go back to my old ways, I will still not think the same, and I do not believe that what some call evil is really evil, for power corrupts, and power is corrupt, as are the rulers of this world. When the new deities took over from the old deities, corrupt people killed. When the old deities were worshipped, corrupt people killed. Corrupt people are still killing today to silence their enemies to prove that they are right and everyone else is wrong. Perhaps I am a hypocrite for clinging to both the old ways and the new ways in my own way.

I would explain it, but you would not understand. I think about celebrations, but I celebrate with family and old friends, who would not understand that evangelism is what turned me away in the first place. What is a seed if it cannot grow and multiply? If it fails to multiply despite its own best efforts, it is a dead seed. But who can convince another person unless they are skilled at persuasion and selling? I am good at repeating what I know, but not at convincing others of anything, not even that which mattered most. There are many ways, and not all of them require convincing others to do the same thing you do or think the same way you do. So what is needed then is to convince others that you think the same way that they do, whether you really do or not. Everyone is a hypocrite in their own way, for one may believe one thing, but do another thing, or quote one thing but discount another thing written in the same book, yet say they believe every word of that book. There are many arguments, but arguments are to be avoided. Arguments are not loving but divisive. Relationships matter and should not be discounted. Sometimes one must maintain a facade to maintain a relationship. So I am alone again with my cat and my computer. Cats do not require belief or agreement, except for the unspoken agreement of acceptable interaction. My treat bag is missing. The sky grows lighter. Soon it will be dawn. Perhaps I will be punished for not having what I do not have. But my judgment is not yet. Is it worse to go back to the old way and neglect my duty, or to imperfectly but acceptably follow a new way in secret? Only time will tell which path I take, but whichever path I do take, I take it alone.