Splork says the fork

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"Splork says the fork" is a kind of test; some would call it an intelligence test, while others would find the idea very offensive. The questions of who is being tested and by whom, and in what way, are even more controversial, and attempts to elaborate more fully on this may in themselves constitute examples of "Splork says the fork", depending on the circumstances.

The actual phrase "Splork says the fork" is a placeholder – in its place can be held various things. The act of saying such things says a great deal, but interpretations may vary, possibly a whole lot. Indeed, the meaning of "Splork says the fork" forks, what's said forking in its implications, splorking with the conventions and attitude of the listeners – and possibly within the mind of an individual listener, such a clash possibly met with a more careful examination, or commonly instead merely a quick and forceful reaction against one or other of the perceived possible meanings.

In practicing it, by the time the "splork" leaves your mouth, it is best to be conscious of the semantic fork-bomb which closely trails it, even though it may leave your own personal mental space undisturbed. Danger may or may not await those who say it – and depending on the culture and environment, to say it may even be to say it all, in one or more senses.

A few descriptions follow, so as to illustrate. Note that there could be various simpler "variation 0" to go before the others below – all of them nasty, brutish, and short.

Bad historical setting, variation 1[edit | edit source]

"Splork says the fork".

– "Traitor! Scum! In the name of the Emperor, and by the Gods, you shall die right there where you stand!" (Unsheathes sword.)

Bad historical setting, variation 2[edit | edit source]

"Splork says the fork".

– "Heresy! The devil must have taken you! What you have said is so profoundly terrible, so deeply horrible, that only fire at the stake can cleanse your soul! You may wish to pray as we lead you there."

Bad historical setting, variation 3[edit | edit source]

"Splork says the fork".

– "I've scheduled an appointment with Madame la Guillotine for you."

Bad historical setting, variation 4[edit | edit source]

"Splork says the fork".

– (Who is this person? Obviously a schizophrenic, or at least a severely psychotic individual. This case is obviously so bad that intervention is needed. Sedatives at the ready – leaving this building is out of the question...) "If you would like to come along, I have a few more questions to ask..."

Bad historical setting, variation 5[edit | edit source]

"Splork says the fork".

– "Nazi! Communist! Totalitarian anarchist! Tin-foil hatter! Demon-worshiping atheist! Mindless sheep! Hater! You just pretend not to know The Truth! Tree-hugger! Lazy tramp! I'll sue! You're fired, and your name is all over the news!!!"

Meeting a philosophical mind[edit | edit source]

"Splork says the fork".

– "Is it that the fork says 'splork', or is it that 'the fork' is said by the splork?"

Conclusion[edit | edit source]

"Splork says the fork" has the potential to reveal the very essence of human nature.

No more will be said, so as to avoid the risk of attracting the attention of law enforcement, intelligence agencies, militant partisans, religious extremists, or other types of agents who would prefer a very different state of affairs.