That Other Guys Mom

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A little botox, a spray tan... that other guys mom could be a cougar in a really, really dark room.

That Other Guys Mom is a real bitch! I mean, there's moody, and there's bitchy, and there's fucking bitch, then there's her. She's unbelievable. She's got this enormous underbite, and she's got double fangs protruding from her lower jaw. Not canines, fucking fangs! And that breath... that other guy said she eats raw garlic and sardines all the time, and I believe it. Damn, she's fearsome!

No wonder her husband left her, what with all the human blood sacrifices, joining a fundamentalist Mormon church, eating two of her children alive and investing all their savings into electric umbrellas.

I used to feel sorry for that other guy, but he was a real asshole to me a few times. Once he hit on my girlfriend while she was having her dog put to sleep. This other time, he went to my workplace in a speedo, covered in Wesson oil, wearing a tutu, a cowboy hat and ballet slippers, yelling at the top of his lungs that I was the latest in a long line of lovers, and that he was by far the most well mannered. Security took him out, beat the shit out of him and put him on a private jet bound for Antigua. I got a promotion for appearing to be creative.

At least that other guys dad is tolerable. I drink with him at the bar on the corner of Aiken and West Sixth. My grandfather used to hang there, when it wasn't a sissy hipster bar. His dad is usually hammered by 3:00pm.

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