The Monster From Space!!
Chapter 1: Poranges!!! Mwhahahaha, I has defeated you Oxford Dictionary and Thesaurus!!![edit | edit source]
It had been a hard day's grind down at the office. Digby had been working non-stop all through the morning. As soon as he'd set foot in the place at 9 o'clock he was straight down to work, solving the mystery of who'd stolen his Terry's Chocolate Orange. By 10 o clock the culprit, Terry, had been found and lynched. Digby had worked up quite a sweat, and decided to ignore the ransom note on his screen, forwarded to him by the turkish militants holding his boss, and log on to MSN.
After several frustrating seconds of that ditzy green torso revolving on the spot he was in. Almost as soon as he'd set his status to "Receing Oral Sex:(Typing may be inconsistent and irratic)", he was bombarded with a message. The conversation window smacked his montior like a fist as it popped up, cracking the screen. It was from a close friend of Digby, 'Lord Maguire the Extensively Eyebrowed'. They'd met during the war, when Digby had saved Maguire from an unexploded eyebrow-trimmer. Digby smiled fondly, peering closer to his computer screen (now in two bits) he read the message his pal had written to him.
"Digby my dear chum. How are you?
"I'm great Lor-" Digby stopped writing. Something most peculiar had occured, his keyboard had emitted a sound for no reason. Upon looking down he realised his space bar was making a growling noise. Deciding it was a mechanical fault he continued. But the noise persisted. With every subsequent strike of the space bar the noise grew louder until eventually Digby's finger was given a sharp eletric shock as it went to press down the indignant key. This was highly absurd and Digby hastened to ask Maguire's opinion of the matter. "By the way, would you have any ideas to why is my space bar growling at me?
"Do you keep hitting it by any chance?
"Well, yeah.
"Then there you go. You should treat it with more respect if you expect it to do your bidding
"But it's just a space bar? What emotions can a mechanical device, especially something as simple at that hav-Weoww!! It bit my finger!
"The space bar is highly renowned for it's large complex web of feelings. Even the gentlest of touches can set one off on in a violent rage. You must spend time with your space bar, get to know it.
"Right?
"Only once you've developed an understanding with your space bar can you then use it.
"It's starting to make sense now
"You see, now go forth with your keyboard, take it to see the world, shower it with gifts. Wine and dine it, go forth young Digby, go forth!
Chapter 2: Oh Sh*t, the Oxford Dictionary and Thesaurus people are coming after me[edit | edit source]
Almost with in an instant Digby was gone. He yanked his keyboard out of the plug socket (singeing his eyebrows), wrapped it up in a towel, and flew the two of them out to Barbados. As the months drifted by, Lord Maguire, still comitted to the conversation, wondered what amazing adventures Digby and the space bar were having. Maybe they'd followed in Yoda's footsteps and treavelled to the far ends of the galaxy, or they could've taken after Melville Amsterdam and be in court defending an ironing board for several counts of murder, or they might've sold out like Hairy Plopper and gone to Hogwarts. Just as he was about to finally succomb to the weight of his own eyeborws, Maguire received news from Dearest Digby. The news came in the form of an internet pop-up informing him how he could enlarge his phallas. Maguire stopped himself just as he was about to click on the link, his eyebrow sense was tingling. Well it wasn't, he didn't have an eyebrow sense at all but instead a small family of possoms living in his mane. Every time they moved about Maguire assumed something deeply evil was around the corner and became deeply mistrustful. Today however, the possoms were right. Upon closer inspection our overly-eyebrowed friend realised that the pop-up actually led to a site dedicated to the spreading of nasty computer viruses. Maguire decided that he'd check that out later, he was sure news was to come in about his friend any minute now.
Chapter 3: Them Oxford Geeks pummeled the proverbial out of me, they even took my Cambridge Brand Dictionary and Thesaurus. Still, with arms like that I can see why they always win the Boatrace[edit | edit source]
But it didn't, the article was lumbered with a 'STEALNT' tag and left in the WIP category to rot...
Until roughly a month later when I sort of like came here, full of contempt for my work and finished it with this lame explanation.
Incase you were wondering Digby ended up marrying a pickle. He and Maguire kept in touch for a while, but to be honest neither of them were interesting enough to make any real conversation, and they eventually lost contact.