Tree Hunt!

Tree Hunt

Being the journal of Sir Kenneth Mcguilson, on his voyage through the wilderness in an attempt to hunt down the perfect Christmas tree.

EPIC

This article is one of Illogicopedia's EPICs.

Day One

I Began my voyage today. I got up out of bed, crawled four feet, then fell asleep from the exhausting exertion of the day's effort.

Day Two

I woke up on the floor, and crawled back into the base camp of my bed. This expedition is going to be much more difficult then I expected. But I MUST go on, the perfect Christmas tree must be found, so I can bring it back into my apartment and CELEBRATE!!! So, after sitting on the base camp of my bed for a while, I decided to give my voyage another try. I crawled out of bed, only to be faced by the most hideous, monstrous beast I'd ever seen in my life--a ladybug that had somehow found its way into the apartment. I shot it 800 times with a rifle, and had it stuffed. It now stands majestically over the fireplace. I opened the door of my apartment, and then I saw that it was nearing nightfall. I made a camp, and slept in the hall that night.

Day Three

I woke up, and immediately sprang up. Today was the day for me to get out of the apartment building and into a nearby forest. I have no saw, just a toothbrush. I shall attempt to chop my Christmas tree down with the toothbrush, once I find the tree.

So anyway, I decided to risk a long-distance trek: I would attempt to make it all the way down the stairs and out of the apartment building before nightfall. Oh, it was a dangerous risk to take...people have died on voyages of that length...but I decided to give it a try. I nearly collapsed from exhaustion, but I made it out onto the front lawn, where I lay down to rest.

Day Four

Today, I sat on the ground, massaging my feet. They were sore from yesterday's massive trek. So I didn't make any progress at all. Though I massaged my feet for so long, I think they will feel good for the next ten years.

Day Five

Today, I got up and voyaged into the nearby forest, clutching my toothbrush in hand. I saw a Christmas tree. It looked perfect. It was just the right size. I started crawling towards it, very slowly so as not to scare it. When I was about halfway to it, I stopped to rest for the night.

Day Six

Today, I continued to approach the Christmas tree. I crawled veeery slowly through the snow, until finally I was only four feet away from it. Then, some guy walked right up to it and sprayed it with weed killer. As it turns out, it was only a dandelion. I KNEW leaving my contact lenses behind was a bad idea! I considered going back to the apartment to get them, but then I realized that Christmas would probably be over by the time I finished if I set aside enough time to make that arduous voyage. So I decided to walk on. As compensation for having no contact lenses, I smashed an empty beer bottle that I found on the ground, and dropped two large chunks of glass into my eyes. They didn't help much.

Day Seven

Well, today I continued to crawl through the snow, searching and searching for a Christmas tree. It started snowing again, and I decided to make myself a shelter to sheild myself from the snow. I got some sticks, made a wall out of them, but then realized I had nothing to make a roof out of. So I took off all my clothes and stretched them over the top of my little shelter. So now I'm lying in the snow, naked. Several of my body parts appear to have turned blue. Oh well, at least I'm protected from the adverse conditions outside.

Day Eight

I had a terrifying nightmare last night.

I dreamed that I was being operated on by a blind dentist. He pulled one of my toes off and replaced it with a gold tooth. I kicked him with it, and he turned into Santa Claus. Then I threw up.

When I woke up, I was horrified. I spent all day lying in the snow, still naked, thinking of my horrifying dream.

Day Nine

I finally got up, and decided to leave my clothes behind. I don't need clothes. Wandering around in the forest, naked, is the way of the true rugged outdoorsman. I crawled through the snow, and tried to chop down a christmas tree before I realized that it was actually an old woman. She seemed to enjoy being hit with the toothbrush by a naked man. We had a good time together. I invited her to spent the night with me, but she said there was another naked man lying on the ground in another forest who she had promised a date with. Shame. I liked her.

Day Ten

I woke up bright and early this morning, then fell asleep again. Then I woke up a second time, and saw the most beautiful Christmas tree in the world. It was gorgeous. I walked up to it, and started rubbing the toothbrush back and forth at the base of it. I did this for eight hours, then decided to go to sleep.

Day Eleven

During the night, I rolled into the Christmas tree and it fell down. I was heartbroken by this. I wanted to chop it down, and make it a true Christmas experience! Thankfully, I had some superglue in my pocket right next to my trusty supply of rat poison, so I could repair the tree easily. Then I set back to work attempting to chop it down with the toothbrush. Suddenly, it dawned on me that this all seemed fairly symbolic of something. An image popped into my head of someone gargling orange juice, then vomiting. Then I passed out.

Day Thirteen

I have no clue what happened to day twelve. All I know is that today was day thirteen. I spent the whole day rubbing the tree with the toothbrush. It didn't fall. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. If I don't get the tree down tomorrow, I will have failed to achieve my mission.

Day Fourteen

Today was Christmas Eve. I spent all day rubbing the tree, then I finally said "Screw this" and went to the store and bought a plastic one. But I still needed to make it back to my apartment in time to celebrate. I limped all the way back in one go. It was about 45 feet. It was the most exhausting voyage I'd ever made. Then I realized...I LEFT MY PLASTIC TREE AT THE STORE!!! All that work, and I still had no tree! But then...I saw the toothbrush. It was green. It had bristles, that, with a little green paint, could resemble pine needles with a bit of imagination. So I drilled a hole in the floor of my apartment, and stood the toothbrush upright in the hole. I glued several ornaments to it.

Day Fifteen: CHRISTMAS

Today was Christmas. I woke up, and looked under the toothbrush. The wind had blown the dead ladybug underneath it. It was the best Christmas present I ever had. Until I dropped it into the air conditioner by accident. Then my wife came home, and I went back to pretending to be sick with the flu.

THE END.