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Go turtles go!

Turtles are amazingly good at being turtles. Some people once thought otherwise but the turtles won them over in the end. Turtles mate in the sea then give birth on land, much like British tourists in Spain. Their mating habits are notoriously complex, oft involving a dowry of fish and chips being paid to the family of the female, before traditional alcohol rituals and subsequent coitus can take place.

..oh, the turtles? They just lay down some Barry White and hop to it. Well, they don't hop, more kind of hump. But they're not camels, though some are caramels. Go caramel go!

Turtles also have flippers and stuff, said stuff is usually kept safe from thieves inside their shell. Turtle poachers often crack open those bone-wallets in order to steal the turtle's TV sets, radios, used condoms, and practically anything else they can get their grubby little harpoons on. Apart from being clearly dead, turtles suffering this kind of theft are notably agrieved, and support groups have been set up in Japanese seafood restaurants especially for them.

Turtles evolved from tortoises, which evolved from turtles which evolved from giraffes that were dropped down a drain and raised by a giant rat named Trev. After Trev was arrested on inter-species molestation charges turtles were then taken under the wing of Trev's brother, Splinter. Splinter had previously been used for genetic engineering, hence his wings and the ear on his back.

Sometimes turtles like to eat ice cre-alright I'm going to have to stop, this isn't a real article on turtles. It's not even factual, I'm just the making stuff up as I go along.

Sorry everyone.