Article Huffing
Article Huffing is one of many alternative forms of drug abuse. The practice was believed to have originated in around 1732 but has skyrocketed in popularity since around 1921. Article addiction is now the most troublesome non-drug related hallucinogenic in the world, with approximately 230,000 recorded addicts, according to CSIRO statistics.
It is second famous only to Kitten Huffing. It is called "article huffing" because the desired affect was reached with old newspaper ink.
During The Great Depression of 1726 - 1737, many people were completely unable to obtain anything edible. The poorest people in the USA resorted to eating bin scraps, flowers, leaves, wood, rats, cats, dogs and caviar, which was very cheap in those days. An unemployed man named Milton Finnegan, having run out of animals, plants and caviar to eat, was forced to eat a scrunched newspaper newspaper with some potassium in order to stay alive. After experiencing a trip that several litres of LSD couldn’t even replicate, Milton told all his friends in Boston about the experience. Experimentation resulted in the discovery that huffing the articles had the same effect as using the newspaper as a joint, because of a certain biochemical used to print them. The article huffing phenomenon quickly spread around the USA, then around the world.
Experimentation also resulted in the discovery that smoking or injecting a newspaper ink's properties and Speed together actually reduces the effect other drugs have on you. This is how Keith Richards, Courtney Love, Lindsay Lohan and George W. Bush had managed to stay alive, despite all of them being addicted to dangerous, illegal drugs for decades.
Article Huffing today[edit | edit source]
In 1998, unhuffable newspapers were invented, and it wasn’t long before every newspaper in the world was unhuffable. The few remaining newspaper addicts in the world spend most of their lives searching for old newspapers, often paying thousands of dollars for a single page of pre-1998 newspaper.
However, in October 2004 it was discovered that the trees on the planet of Breton were FILLED with the same hallucinogenic properties as article huffing, but it contained enough to kill a man. People secretly sneaked into the preserved areas and chopped them down for use on the black market. Junkies were now getting high off planks of wood instead of pills. However, the fad has died off with people going back to other, less obscure methods of getting high.
To provide an idea of how big a problem article addiction is in the intergalactic underground, several junkies of several different species were watched for one day to count how many articles they huffed. At first they were watched during Forest Fire Week, a popular celebratory festival in Marlo, but after seeing literally thousands of articles huffed in the space of a few days, the person counting the huffage simply could no longer be bothered. Instead, the counting took place on the 6th of December 2006. Their first names have been swapped with their third names to protect their identities:
- "Zacharias”: 1 article
- "Spyridon”: 1 article
- "Seamus”: 2 articles
- "Mortimer”: 2 articles
- "Kermit”: 3 articles
- "Friedrich”: 6 articles
- "Tomislav”: 13 articles
- "Iqbal”: 13 articles"
- "Siegfried”: 36 articles
- “Radulf”: 42 articles
- “Hiraldo”: 50 articles
- “Chukií”: 157 articles
The research team who watched these junkies were simply shocked at the results. Before the research, it was believed that a casual article user would huff between one and five articles a day, whereas the hardcore junkies would huff somewhere between 10 and 30 articles a day. It was also believed that huffing 100 articles in a single day would almost certainly cause death, until the research team met “Chukií”. It is likely that “Chukií” will be forced to undergo rehabilitation sometime in the next few weeks.