Vegan

Vegan is a character in one of William Shakespeare's lesser known plays, "Hijinks At The Headsman's Hostel". He is an unrepentant scoundrel who spends his days drinking plum wine, and his nights rocking out. His backstory is that he was born a poor black child as the only white son in a family of black tanners. At age 3, it was discovered he had a talent for tooling pornography on belts and overcoats. Upon joining the Hitler Youth, he quickly came to the notice of a rapscallion with cauliflower ears and a rutabaga nose by the name of Ransom Fudd.

In middle school, Vegan developed an interest in pinching his teachers' bottoms. His antics fast-tracked a friendship with Luke Skywalker, a student on loan from Boston's Red Line. The pair stayed drunk through sophomore year in high school, and went on many adventures in their time machine. Once while being molested by albino werewolves they hit upon the idea of becoming costumed crime fighters at the service of His Majesty King Robert the Sniveler.

When pubic hair was invented, Luke read a treatise on the hazards of drinking and time traveling and had a transcendental experience that put him in a coma for 5 days. Because Vegan's skin had the texture of a decorative Autumn squash, he was banned from the Church of England, and had to worship on a putting green in Chelsea. When Luke told Vegan of his experience with the Demiurge, Alan Alda happened by just in time to invent the automobile.

Of course, Vegans hate meat. They crave and love vegetables. Better get the can phone!