Welcome to the Family

The family was close-knit. Close-knit. Close-knit.

EPIC

This article is one of Illogicopedia's EPICs.

Washington

Rodger. Ordinary Rodger. EXTRAORDINARY Rodger. He would be EXTRAEXTRAORDINARY Rodger if it weren't for that little "d" in his name. He was new. He was cool. He was Rodger. Everyone loved Rodger. Rodger. Rodger.

Except Bernice. Bernice. Bernice.

Bernice hated Rodger, Rodger hated Bernice. Bernice knew this. Rodger knew this. Mutualism. Rodger was the adopted one. The adopted one. The adopted one.

This wouldn't be a problem except the children were all in their mid-thirties. Bernice, Charles, and Jacob didn't need Rodger. Rodger. Rodger.

Rodger was also in his thirties. So why then, did the George family adopt Rodger? This answer was difficult. Difficult. Difficult.

Rodger was nothing more than a publicity stunt. Stunt. Stunt.

(So was repeating the last word at the end of every line. Publicity stunt over.)

Rodger was a hit on the new ABC Reality Show called "Homeless". "Homeless" was a show where ABC cameramen follow actual homeless men around their daily lives. The general public fell so in love with Rodger they needed him to find a home. The George's multi-billion-dollar business making bicycle seats needed investors. It was a match made in a financial advisor's office. With Rodger helping them look like generous people, the Georges were swimming in money like they never have before. They knew this would last. With many investors, the Georges thought that consumers would realize the superiority of their bicycle seats. It would last forever... if it weren't for the children. So tragic. Tragic. Tragic.

Adams

"He's done," said Charles, "We've been here for thirty years, and they love HIM more?" "They haven't loved me in years!" shouted Jacob. Bernice shook her head, "That's because Jacob is a Jewish name and half of the board is anti-semetic." "Why do we care about investors anyway? Charles, your catering business will make us all rich without them!" Jacob was fired-up. Charles shrugged, "Fly-By-Food is not a catering business. It is a business in which we fly over the house and drop a care package of food. It would work if we didn't take off so many shingles." "Do we really get sidetracked this easily!?" Bernice shouted. Charles and Jacob both shrugged, "Yeah." Bernice began her monologue, "We need to get rid of Rodger. That attention whore. We don't need to displace him. We don't need to hurt him. Hell, we don't need to make him look stupid. We need to kill him. He needs to be dead. We need to rid this world of Rodger!" Bernice glanced to her right and saw both of her brothers watching the latest LOLcat video. Charles glanced in Bernice's direction, "You were saying?" "Fuck you." "Hey!" sarcastically shouted Charles, "That's not very ladylike language." "Oh," said Bernice sassily, "We'll maybe you should FUCK yourself! That's very MAN-LIKE don't you think?" Bernice walked out the door. Charles and Jacob were stunned.

"Oh Rodger! Would you like more tea?" asked Teresa (or their mother). "Yes please, Teresa," responded Rodger. "Please," said Teresa, "Call me mom." "With all due respect," said Rodger, "I'm thirty-two. I'll stick with Teresa." Teresa was a little angry. That wouldn't sit well with the producers of the upcoming documentary Adopting a Dream. She would have to change that. "Later," she thought. "So Rodger," she began, "Have you been thinking about my proposal earlier today?" "Why yes I have. Think that the smartest choice is to tell Ronald to apply prescription strength cream to the rash-" "No, no," interjected Teresa, "The proposal I made to you." "Oh yes. I have thought about it." The truth is Rodger hadn't thought about it. "Think," he thought, "QUICK DECISION!" Teresa was staring at him awaiting an answer. He said the first thing that came to his head, "I would like to take your friend out on a date." "Lovely," said Teresa, "I'll tell her to get ready for tonight." Rodger had realized what he had done. Teresa's friend was fresh off her sixth marriage and was approaching the not-so-ripe age of sixty-five. Rodger used to be homeless but he had standards. If only there was a way for him to get out of this. If only. If only. If only.

Jefferson

"He's about five foot eleven. Uh... Maybe 160 pounds. Fair skin. Brown hair. Blue eyes," Bernice was describing Rodger to a hitman she had found. "I'll pay in cash. Oh, I thought I could just send it to you. No? Okay... a duffel bag? What time?" Bernice retrieved a pen and paper, "4 o'clock in the afternoon, Hamilton Gym... ask for Larry... Okay! I've got all of the info. No, thank you. Seriously, thank you." Charles walked in as Bernice hung up the phone, "Who was that? Your boyfriend? Oh wait! You're the only thirty three year old woman who is afraid of men!" This was only half true. Okay, it was fully true. Bernice had been afraid of men ever since the fiasco at her senior prom. It was a medical disorder. It took years of therapy for her to be fine in normal conversation with panic attacks only in romantic situations. "No!" said Bernice, "I was on the phone with a hitman." "WHAT THE FUCK!? You were serious about that?!" shouted Charles, "I thought you were just angry. Oh my God, oh my God... Now I'm gonna be linked to this!" "What!?" retorted Bernice, "I thought you guys were on board!" "There's certain things you agree to because everyone knows it is all a joke. One of those things is taking a hit on your adopted brother!" "I never said I was joking!" "YOU SAID YOU WERE TAKING A HIT ON OUR BROTHER! I ASSUMED. I GUESS I MADE AN ASS OUT OF YOU AND... YOU!" "Fine. I'll do this myself- wait. Did you just call Rodger our brother." "Uh... no," lied Charles.

Rodger, on the other hand, was not in a much better situation. "Hey Rodger, maybe we can have sex after this date," said Martha (Rodger's date) before having a smoker-coughing fit. Rodger, in an unknown situation, responded with, "Uh- yeah... Maybe. Yeah. Uh." "You know," said Martha, "My fourth husband's name was Roger. Except he didn't have that stupid 'd' in his name. I loved him. He pleasured me in ways you wouldn't believe. One time, he took his-" Rodger cut her off, "I think that's enough. Would you like to go into the restaurant first?" "Sure. SUCH A GENTLEMAN!" said Martha looking at the man in his late twenties holding the door open. Rodger looked at him and exchanged a glance saying, "It's a favor." The doorman nodded, showing his comprehension and whispered kind words of encouragement into Rodger's ear. Rodger thanked him. Rodger pulled out Martha's seat for her and looked her in the eye the entire dinner. It was hard for him not to. Every other feature about her was too repulsive to look at. After the eventful dinner, Rodger thanked her and went on his merry way. Or at least he tried. Tried. Tried.

Madison

"Oh no." Jacob had no words to speak when news of Bernice's unrefundable plan reached him. "I know," agreed Charles. "How can we stop this?" asked Jacob. "Stop what?" intruded Rodger. "AH!" screamed both Charles and Jacob. "My bad," said Rodger, "Am I interrupting something?" "No, uh," Jacob struggled to form a sentence, "Bernice, uh, hasn't put a hit on you or anything." "Okay," said Rodger as he merrily walked away. Charles and Jacob breathed a sigh of relief. Suddenly, Rodger turned around and said, "Do you think I have the intelligence of a first-grader?" Charles, moronically, said, "Well, you didn't say that you didn't." Rodger ignored this. "I think I should be away when my sister puts out a hit on me," said Rodger. Jacob and Charles scoffed at this. "Pfft," grunted Charles, "You're not our brother." Just then, Charles realized what he should be saying, "We're trying to stop Bernice, any ideas on how we do that?" "Well," Rodger thought, "Has she paid the guy yet?" "No," answered Jacob from behind Charles' tall stature. "Huh. Maybe," planned Rodger, "We can put a hit out on her before she delivers the money for the hit on me. "Genius!" the three exclaimed.

It was twelve o'clock. Bernice was gathering together the twenty thousand dollars needed for the hit. She was angered that neither of her brothers were on board. Little did she know, they planned for her to overboard (nothing?). She reached under her mattress to get at the secret stash of money she got from a few real estate deals with the real estate license she got for shits and giggles. She stole a George Company duffel bag from her father's closet and emptied it. The contents of the bag disturbed Bernice more than she ever imagined. She could never look at her father the same way again. She got her composure, cried a little in the bathroom, and sprayed the bag with a can's worth of Febreeze. It still smelled bad but the money was what was important. It was three thirty. She got in her car and drove to the Hamilton Gym. She looked around for obvious signs that a deal was going down. There weren't any. She stepped up to the door and looked inside. No one was there. She looked at the scrap of paper she was carrying, "I have to reach Larry," she muttered to herself.

Before we move on to the next part of the story, we must take a step back and see what Rodger, Jacob, and Charles were planning. To the TIME MACHINE.

Monroe

It was twelve o'clock. Rodger had just called a speed-hitman who had cash wired into an offshore account by Jacob and Charles. They searched for clues to where Bernice's exchange was taking place. Using a classic detective's trick, they penciled over the pad she wrote it on and saw the location. After relaying this information to the hitman they were unsure if they should wait or if they should go to the scene. Rodger said, "Okay, guys, you're sister will be dead within the hour." It was three o'clock. "Meh," mehed Jacob, "I'm not gonna miss her." "Maybe," mused Charles (who at this point was wasted on his ass from tons of vodka, "Rodger came into our lives so we'd kill our sister. Shit, she's done many bad things to us before but we've always forgiven her. I'm done with that. Done." "Uh..." added Rodger, "You don't have a choice to be done with it. We're killing her, remember?" "Oh yeah." The minutes ticked by slower and slower. At three thirty two, Jacob said, "Guys, let's just go down there." They used Charles' awful GPS to find the gym, two minutes before their sister's death. They pulled up in a strip mall next to the gym and watched from Charles Hummer H2.

Bernice knocked on the glass door of the gym, "Larry!" she called. A man dressed in a Kashmir sweater and glasses came to the door. "You're Bernice?" Before she could answer, a sniper bullet ripped through her torso, killing her instantly. "Fuck!" shouted Larry (understandably). Rodger laughed. Charles and Jacob began to sob. "I can't believe she's dead," cried Charles. "Wow. I get her killed and NOW you feel remorse!" shouted Rodger. Jacob insisted that they at least get the body. "I know we killed her," he said, "But she deserves a halfway decent funeral. Because that's what she was to us! Half-way decent." "Yeah. I'm gonna miss Bernice. She was my little sister. She deserved it... I guess." "Are you guys nuts?" rhetorically asked Rodger, "I don't put out hits on people so their immediate family can bitch and moan and reminisce about them while I have a headache. Shut up. I got her killed, okay? And yes, Jacob, we can collect the body if it means that much to you. I knew joining this family was an awful idea. Being homeless was much better than dealing with you wimps. I can't stand this lifestyle you guys have.

Adams

Rodger drove the Hummer into the parking lot of Hamilton's Gym. Charles, Jacob, and Rodger exited the car and approached the front steps on which lay Bernice's body. "Okay, guys," instructed Rodger, "One of you get her feet, I'll get the head, and the other direct us where to go." They nonchalantly carried her body into the Hummer and drove home. They were confident they would be safe of suspicion. When they got home, the news was filled of the murder. People were shocked and out of sympathy, the stocks of George Company Bicycle Seats soared. Teresa and David (the father whom I've never introduced) were never so happy about losing a child. (Before they had Charles, Bernice, and Jacob, they had over fifteen kids all of which died or got lost.) They realized their success no longer needed the help of Rodger and he would just get in their way at bicycle seat world domination. They brought him into a room and told him the news. "You can't!" he shouted and refused to leave. "Fine," agreed David. He was getting old. He couldn't care less about Rodger.

Rodger walked back into the living room where Bernice's corpse was being prepared. Rodger stood in front of the table on which Bernice's body lay. A bullet was fired into the back of Rodger's head. "That's why you don't make a reality show about bums," said Bernice. As it turns out, Bernice, Charles, and Jacob had came up with the elaborate plan of making Rodger believe he had assassinated Bernice by having a sniper shoot blanks at her and her acting dead. Once this was accomplished they would set Rodger up to die by Bernice's hand, looking like justice. Unfortunately, the public saw through the plan of the brothers and sister and immediately sent the stocks of George Company Bicycle Seats plummeting. It was the biggest one day drop of anything in the stock market's history. Teresa and David decided they needed a new publicity stunt. Their new idea was so radical! RADICAL! RADICAL!!!

Jackson

They were going to invite an entire African band of hunters into their household.

"Welcome to the Family"

The End