Dr. Oz

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“YOU ARE HEALED!”

~ Oz on a good day

“A good American, or Australian, whatever he is.”

~ Jonas Brothers on Mario

“You ain't nothing but a hound cat, eatin' all the time!”

Dr. Mehmet Saddam Hussein Oz (12 B.C.-2013 or whenever) is some doctor that eats pie. He originated when the dinosaurs and Moses or whoever went in the lion's den existed and has not healed anyone, though people may think he has. Historically, Mr. Oz ate Taco Bell in the days of King Harold and invented the iCarly[1] and even the lightbulb.[2] Oz in the colonial days of the United States started his own practice and often caused people to grow external noses and oranges for eyes.[3] Some may think Oz is a dinosaur or a prophet. Today, Oz stars on a television show giving ineffective home remedies to Chinese people and such.

Oz Thinking About How He Wants to Eat English Textbooks

Birth

Oz originated some time not mentioned above and was born to Barack Obama and Saddam Hussein.[4]It is not a good thing, but Oz became a hobo at age 3 right after God got done yelling at Israel for disobeying Him or something like that. Oz was born in a manger and some wise men or something came or something like that.[5] Oz at age 3 months invented Wikipedia, the costly encyclopedia and ate Billy Idol and Billy Ocean, whichever is not a body of water. Oz loved pizza as a small baby, even though Italians had not invented it yet. Oz really did not exist as a baby, and what you just read was the truth.[6]

Childhood

Right after the Nativity, Oz became one of those miracle workers that did stuff to heal people, since he had not recieved his M.D. or P.H.D. or D.F.A. or whatever degree was needed to be one of those weirdos. He married Ronald Reagan at age 5 and had 3 ugly sandwiches for children.[7]He then divorced Reagan for some ugly milkshake from Starbucks named Lindsey or Robert Frost, it is debatable which.[8]

Adolescence

Oz attended high school at St. Paul's Missionary Consemptuary. He dropped out since his parents were coal miners in some disclosed location. He learned there Economics and crap like that. He married some freak named Stone Fox or whatever after they divorced. They then killed each other and Oz reincarnated himself so he could emerge into adulthood after beating Lady Gaga up in the spiritual world, as Hindus call it. Lee Greenwood became his new spouse for a week[9] Oz was then elected mayor of the Apostles and then he sucked eggs to make some things seem effortless.[citation needed] Nupedia then turned him into an adult by MAGIC!

Come on, you're kidding me!

No, we're not. Tacos are really yummy!

Old Testament Days

Oz, after adulthood, was an Apostle and beat up Solomon for writing some song. Then, Oz went to the alter to give some guy cow blood. As an adult, Oz sucked lollipops and ate fire retardants. He married Elvis Presley as a wimpy guy then lifted the Empire State Building out of Jerusalem.[10]

After Koran

Oz then founded Facebook back in the 1400's after Christopher Columbus got done eating Indians. He then founded the Soviet Union and ate burgers back in the 1500's. After being impeached as Soviet President, he founded Starbucks and became a billionaire. Right before the 1600's, he came to colonial Afganistan to give George Bush oil. Already, Oz has had a lifetime of accomplishments, but he then added to them by inventing the telescope.[11] Uncyclopedia then gave him the "Colonist of the Year" award after setting up the first doctor's office in colonial Afghanistan in 1750. After George Washington Carver declared Afghanistan free from British rule in 1776, Oz moved to the United States to set up a practice.

Dr. Oz Today

Oz today does nothing, really. He no longer practices medicine, except on his crappy home remedy show on NBC that was canceled by the Olympics professionals.[citation needed] He often can be spotted in his box on the street of Chicago playing Halo. He has not had any more marriages since he has finally realized he is not good at romance.[12]

Candicacy for U.S. President

Oz ran in 2923. He lost to Solomon, his old enemy. Who cares?[13]

Footnotes

  1. Some think Oz never invented the iCarly and Freddie Benson did, but we have reasonable proof that Oz did.
  2. Wikipedia says that Thomas Edison or Benjamin Franklin (can't remember which) invented it, but they were just newspaper deliverers.
  3. It may have been apples, but it is extremely debatable.
  4. Michael Jackson may have been a third parent, but who cares about the facts?
  5. Eh? That was Dr. Oz? I thought that was Kanye West!
  6. Oz really did exist as a baby, or else could have he developed? I guess there's the YMCA, but did they let him escape infancy and all the dirty diapers that accompany it?
  7. Mmmmm. Were they bologna? My bologna has a first name, it's B-I-G-B-I-R-D. My bologna has a second name, it's M-O-L-D-Y. How I hate to eat it every day and I really don't want to say: Oscar Wilde don't have a way with B-O-L-D-A-N-D-F-R-E-S-H!
  8. It may have been Joe Biden also.
  9. We mean week as "an amount of time no one really knows what it is.
  10. Or Phillistine?
  11. Hmmm. Darn Americans! Giving credit to Donkey Kong!
  12. He had a brief marriage to Bruce Springsteen, but no one really counts that.
  13. You may care, but we're not sure.
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