IllogiNews:IllogiNews travel bulletin

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This article is part of IllogiNews, your sauce for chips and sausages.

Welcome to the IllogiNews travel bulletin page. We provide you with daily travel updates, brought to you by MacDougall McArthur, Marilyn Juana, researched by Paris Cetamol, Aspe Rinn and Ibu Proffin

June 2018[edit | edit source]

5 June[edit | edit source]

Roads[edit | edit source]

  • Flying macaroons may cause disruption on all roads, as they have lifted the tarmac surface and sent it to Mars.
  • The M4 motorway in Russia will randomly cease to exist midnight tonight. All cars on that road will reappear in a parallel universe. 'Foreign policy objectives', apparently.
  • Delays expected on the A326 in Hampshire, as angry commuters perform a vigilante widening of the road. "Too many traffic jams, bring out the diggers!'

Trains[edit | edit source]

  • In the United Kingdom, disaster has struck: all trains will run normally today, without strikes, delays or disruptions. Watch out: the rail minister will get the sack for this!
  • In Germany, the Cologne to Frankfurt high-speed service will run with the train split in two, and, no, not in the normal sense of split apart.
  • 'Yanny and Laurel' has caused all trains in Spain to cease.

Air[edit | edit source]

  • British Airways flight 901 to Frankfurt will have a funeral taking place on the plane. Delays expected.


January 2017[edit | edit source]

11 January[edit | edit source]

Roads[edit | edit source]

New Jersey highways are covered with monkey carcasses, making for a slow, slippery drive. Don't stop for formication advocates asking for donations.

Smell?[edit | edit source]

Does anyone know what that smell is?

10 January[edit | edit source]

After a disappearance of about 19 months, the travel bulletin writers have been found. They were found in a desert cave in Sudan, taking drugs - each drug corresponding to their name. They also had two new men joining them: namely Finn Alder-Hyde and the lawyer, Mrs. Justice, who was born blind and so cannot report.

But Finn will report.

Roads[edit | edit source]

Aliens have attacked a strip of road along the East Coast Parkway in Singapore due to it having 'no real trees and a bridge', the translation brought to you by a bunch of people they all saw along the road.

Air[edit | edit source]

It seems that planes flying over some parts of western Romania have, thanks to the Improbability Acceleration features being tested in their airspace to let them go faster, have not been seen. Similar to the Drive's use in other places, your aircraft may turn into a teapot or a penguin, and you may turn into a sofa for about 30 seconds. Do not be alarmed.

Rail[edit | edit source]

Nothing so far. No train derailments. Nothing. Other than a driver who appears to be under the influence of some sort of alcoholic drink while listening to the sounds of birds as 'music' that has parked his train on the side of the road in northern Illinois, thereby derailing it and causing traffic accidents.

8 January[edit | edit source]

Air/Rail[edit | edit source]

A plane has crashed into a speeding train in France. The plane, travelling from Madrid to Amsterdam, was not an Embraer 195: it was a magical plane that could expand when necessary. In addition, the train was empty except for some badgers which had got on somehow at Clermont-Ferrand and then they were all found alive, surprisingly enough, in the train's fuel compartment. The badgers were fined 200 euro each for unauthorised access.

April 2015[edit | edit source]

24 April[edit | edit source]

Roads[edit | edit source]

Today, Quebec Route 55 has converted into ice, as are all the cars.

Air[edit | edit source]

Seoul-Incheon Airport has been closed after mysterious symbols appeared on the roof.

19 April[edit | edit source]

Roads[edit | edit source]

  • The D523 in Angers has been taken over by river otters that demand car drivers to give them fish.
  • Bad news for those in Wichita, Kansas - the city is now surrounded by a forcefield, making it impossible to leave the city on any road.

18 April[edit | edit source]

Roads[edit | edit source]

  • Traffic is delayed today on the M18 in St. Petersburg, after a shark swam into the river Neva, jumped onto the highway and started terrorising passing cars.

Air[edit | edit source]

  • A plane flying from Delhi to Karachi has had to make an emergency landing in the Rajasthani desert after a colony of fire ants was found living on the wing. Despite that ants cannot survive cruising altitude, they had built a structure threatening the safety of the engine.

17 April[edit | edit source]

Roads[edit | edit source]

  • The A1(M) has disappeared and converted into a river.

16 April[edit | edit source]

Roads[edit | edit source]

  • Delays can be found on the A36 today around Warminster, after Longleat Zoo accidentally released tigers into the wild.
  • Bundesautobahn 57 is closed at the Cologne end of the motorway after the cathedral there grew arms and legs and walked over to the road, obstructing all lanes.
  • If you're travelling on the A104 autoroute near Paris, please note that all vehicles will be forcefully immobilised at 20:30 CEST due to the French government performing planned EMP tests on the road. Such tests will end at 04:00 CEST tomorrow, and will continue to the A7.

Rail[edit | edit source]

  • No services on the ICE 41 line in Germany, after a UFO abducted all trains on the line.
  • Luton services have been delayed to London St Pancras after minks nibbled a person to death on the line after 19:50.

Air[edit | edit source]

  • Services in and out of Barcelona El Prat Airport today will be made with the aircraft facing backwards.

15 April[edit | edit source]

Roads[edit | edit source]

  • An accident between junction 4 and 4a of the M3 motorway has left one man dead. He has since reincarnated into a Tyrannosaurus Rex and has blocked all six lanes of motorway.
  • A queue on the A303 trunk between Yeovil and Taunton has been occurring for 99 days straight now, with delays of up to 4 days.

Rail[edit | edit source]

  • Delays on the South Western Main Line can be attributed to Electro from Spiderman depleting the line of electricity.

Air[edit | edit source]

  • All flights in and out of Aberdeen Airport are currently delayed due to the KKK having a nice picnic in the middle of the runway.
  • Flights between Malaga and Southampton Airport are being retimetabled due to a flying Medusa turning an aircraft into stone, resulting in the Embraer 195 falling out of the sky and killing all on board.
  • All flights with Asiana Airlines after midnight on Friday will land short of runways instead of on them in order to cut costs.

14 April[edit | edit source]

Roads[edit | edit source]

Large parts of the Damansara-Puchong expressway in Malaysia have been closed after reports that a hydra is living on an underpass.

Rail[edit | edit source]

Transformers have disrupted track services for the Narita Express in Tokyo as they fight for control of the universe.

Air[edit | edit source]

Lufthansa is redirecting flights from Frankfurt to Berlin after reports that several people were playing Quidditch on the runway.