Air

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See it? Didn't think so.

Air does not exist, and it is simple as that. What those sadistic scientists are telling you is entirely false and they should not be trusted, as they wear odd white coats, glasses, and they spend all day inside. Wait, that sounds like me.... crap.

Regardless, air does not exist, and I have proof.[1]

A Brief Introduction as to Why I Became Slightly Over-Obsessed With Proving That Air Does Not Exist[edit]

I don't know how or why the whole thing got started, perhaps it was that thought provoking line found within that one movie about telephones and people in tight black leather, "You think that's air you're breathing?"

But I'm not sure it was one certain event that influenced me to become the paranoid conspiracy theorist I am today[2]. I think it was society in general. I mean seriously, people and their reliance on this so called "air". "If you don't breathe air, you'll die!" is a common phrase you hear when bringing the topic of why air is so important. I mean, this is like children hiding from the "Boggie Woogie Man" who will get them if they don't go to sleep.

One way or another, I got sick of this whole "air is good" thing. Air cannot be experienced. So who's to say it exists? Those scientists? What do they have to support them, facts? Pah! You can prove anything with facts, can't you? We already covered that they are fishy and suspicious and not reliable to trust. With my new attitude towards the stuff, I started to set out on my own to prove that air isn't real, and that it's really a big hokey myth set up by nerdy scientists and their financial support, the government!

A Simple Explanation of Why Air Doesn't Exist[edit]

There are four reasons why air simply does not exist, despite what those "smart"[3] people in the laboratories are telling you: you cannot see it, smell it, taste it, or hear it. That is right, air defies the very senses we rely on to make all of our life's decisions with! Therefore it cannot be there, and that means it's a trick!

Oh, so this is air I'm seeing? Wrong. This is a picture of Earth and space.

First off, we have that you cannot see it. This is the most obvious of them all. Don't get me wrong, I can see a lot of things. It's not like I'm blind, and that's why I can't see air, bu— Shit, I can't find my glasses. I can’t see anything! Oh, there they are. Anyway, when I look out the window, I see a whole bunch of stuff, like bananas and cars and Mr Blobby. But one thing is for certain, I sure as hell don't see air, even though "it's all around us."[4] You know what they say, right? "Seeing is believing"? Well, I sure don't see.

Cheese is smelly[5]. Air is not. I mean seriously, have you ever smelled air? No, you haven't. You've smelled pine trees, you've smelled poo, but you haven't smelled air. So what can we conclude from that? Oh, maybe that air isn't real.

I always enjoy the taste of fried chicken. I just always have. But do you know what I don't like the taste of? Air. This can be determined from the fact that you cannot taste air. Last time I checked, if something existed, the least you could do is stick out your tongue and taste it. But not with air, you can't, no way, Jose!

When was the last time you heard air? Never? Oh that's real shocking[6]. I honestly don't understand how air can exist and not make any sounds. Everything makes a sound when you hit it right? You whack the table with your head, it makes a thunk, your skull makes a big crack. But when you go around and try to hit air, which is supposedly floating all around us, you don't hit or hear anything. This obviously means that it is not there, and if it is not where the scientists say it is, it obviously does not exist.

With all of this stated I believe it is logical to conclude that the above evidence is enough proof to say air is fake and that those scientists are horribly wrong.

Some Common Refutes To My Obviously Correct Logic[edit]

As always, the skeptics have to pointlessly attack my logical conclusions, even though I can hopelessly shatter their dreams.

So this band is playing music with air? Wrong. They're playing with nothing.

Why I Am Right and They Are Wrong[edit]

Why I Am Right[edit]

These are the people who claim that air exists. Trusty? I think not.

It is clear that I am right. But if you are still skeptical, I have countless reasons as to why I am more reliable than those slimy scientists and the Government.

First of all, I got an C A in my biology class last year in high school. This, if nothing else, should give me all the qualifications I need for you to believe whatever I say, in this case that Air does not exist. Along with the fact that I'm a biological genius, I'm just plain awesome. The vast amounts of awesomeness that I have instantly make me more reliable than those creepy scientists.

Also, I'm always right, and I never do anything wrong[8].

Why They Are Wrong[edit]

You may think that because a person has a pHD and majors in some field of science that they can be trusted when talking about whether air is real or not. Well, you're wrong. If you have noticed my brief mentions already, the scientists are weird and cannot be trusted. There are several reasons that support this.

Scientists do many suspicious things, including wearing strange white coats all the time, wearing glasses, and having odd nasal voices. To add to the list of untrusty things about scientists they stay at home all the time and probably conduct stupid scientific experiments for fun. Plus, the government is on their side, so they're clearly hiding something and stretching the truth as the government always does.

Also, just when you thought scientists were making advancements in our world, they're responsible for demonizing crap like technology, microwaves, and red lights. Not so reliable now, are they?

So, Without Further Ado...[edit]

I believe it is time that you give up saying that air exists, because it is obvious I am correct in every way. So suck it.

Man, writing this article really knocked the wind out of me.

Wait..... shit.

References[edit]

  1. If you call two popsicle sticks and bowl of wilty lettuce proof.
  2. The "paranoid conspiracy theorist" part was added by the government without my consent. The damn commies!
  3. A Nasal voice, glasses, and a PhD do not make you smart.
  4. That's what those scientists are telling us.
  5. Flippin' seriously.
  6. Both emotionally and electrically. Watch out for the lightbulbs.
  7. Do not consider the statement before this.
  8. This is undeniably true.
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