Jonathan Agnew

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J.P. Agnew
France (Fra)
Margaret Thatcher.jpg
Batting Style Right hand bat (RHB)
Bowling style Right arm fat (RF)
Test Career 666-1666
Matches 666
Runs Scored 66
Batting Average 66.66
Strike Rate 666.66
100s/50s 0/0
Top Score 5
Overs Bowled 92
Wickets 532
Bowling Average 93.25
5 WI/10 WM 0/0
Best Bowling 2/51
Caught/Stumped 0/0

“Claire Connor - the England ladies' captain - is always good to have in the box.”

~ Agnew

Jonathan Pimp Agnew (nicknamed "Tony Blair", "Swaggers") is a well hard French lapdancer and former professional cricketer that often likes to startle ocelots. He is also credited with the invention of the Pot Noodle and his favourite flavour is the Bombay Bad Boy [1]. He has eliminated beans and brussels sprouts from his diet as they give him digestive problems.

He is roughly 100 foot tall, can fly and is credited with discovering the Earth is not a flat board balanced on the back of a giant turtle.

Cricketing prowess[edit]

“I've had less ducks than Captain Vaughan”

~ Agnew

A keen follower of Ian Botham's groin, Agnew's talents for wasting the new ball were widely documented - opposition openers described batting at Grace Road as a buffet.

Agnew's odd bowling action was attributed to having one leg 3 inches longer than the other. He has never acknowledged this fact on air, although has been reported to use the line when chatting to young ladies.

Wikipedia Pot Noodle incident[edit]

Aggers doubts the accuracy of Wikipedia.

Agnew has stated [2] that he will no longer use Wikipedia for research purposes, after it was suggested he was the inventor of the Pot Noodle on said website. He is, as we speak, believed to be surveying his page on Test Match Special, ruefully wishing he had indeed invented the Pot Noodle.

Away from Cricket[edit]

When not in the commentary box Jonathan likes eating cheese. In the magazine Cheese Eating Monthly Jonathan was quoted as saying "I like cheese a lot". Agnew is also accredited for the introduction of "jelly grannies" into the TMS Box.

Agnew holds the current record for endurance plate spinning and is president of the Leicestershire home for abused moles. He has calculated pi to more decimal places than any other Leicestershire player, past or present.

He is also known to be a confirmed expert on the band Level 42 and played triangle on the first Led Zeppelin album.[3]

Agnew came third in the Belgian edition of Strictly Come Dancing in 2005, partnering Bette Von Sydow, a former member of Bruge girl band The Waffles. He also provided backing vocals to the second single from the girl band The Cheeky Girls, for which he was nominated for a BRIT award. [4]

Agnew is a famous fan of Lily Allen. He also likes to eat pasty and beans which results in very strong trumpeting noises. These two incidents caused a problem when he came to interview the young songstress as the beanpole broadcaster dropped a few. [5]