Real Life Cops: The Reality Series
From Illogicopedia
Real Life Cops: The Reality Series is a reality television show that shows the real cops in the world. It was made because everyone with a brain knows that Cops is staged, so producers set out to make footage of your every day, real life cops. The demand steadily grew for the show, mainly due to people's utter amazement as to how stupid cops really are.
Most of the show is composed of small portions, each about ten to twenty seconds each. They play clips of each moment, than move onto another. Below is the pilot episode.
“Life on the beat ain't easy. Believe me. But it's my job. Protect and serve, beeyatch!”
~ Low-Ranking Cop
“Woah!”
~ Deputy Harris
“What?”
~ Sergeant Johnson
“It's A BOMB!”
~ Deputy Harris before blowing up
“I like fucking donuts. Yeah. It's true. But that doesn't mean I'm fat.”
~ Fat cop
“What? That's just wrong. I completely denied that.”
~ Fat cop denying his title
“Who we're looking for is a heavy-set male, about 40 years of age, balding, brown hair, and blue eyes. Over to the left is a picture of the assailant. Any questions?”
~ Cop
“Isn't that you?”
~ Reporter
“Well... uh... when you- uh... Say it like that then....”
~ Cop before running off stage
“Are you guys selling drugs?”
~ Deputy talking to a group of preschoolers
“DId they get that one on film? Crap!”:
~ Officer Wetzel after crashing into a phone booth“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
~ Cop
“Why?”
~ Guy he pulled over
“Because you're gay! Ha!”
~ Cop
“What!?”
~ Guy he pulled over, pulling out gun
“Um... My uh- deputy told me to do it...”
~ Cop
“What the hell man? You sold me out. What!? Is that a gun!? Fuck!”
~ Deputy before speeding away
“Did you really think it was a good idea to go into the drug dealer's house with nothing but socks on?”
~ Captain James to Deputy Carle
“I couldn't find my clothes.”
~ Deputy Carle
“Detective Green, let me see your badge and gun. You're being suspended.”
~ Captain James
“Why?”
~ Detective Green
“Because of yesterday's incident where you peed on an innocent old lady.”
~ Captain James
“She peed on me first! She was asking for it!”
~ Detective Green
“Detective... That was your mother”
~ Captain James
“Officer Bradley, we're going to need you to take this case.”
~ Captain Johnson
“Sure, captain, which one?”
~ Officer Bradley
“The Fitz Case.”
~ Captain Johnson
“Are you freaking kidding me? All that happened in that case was a kid got his cookie taken by a dog!”
~ Officer Bradley
“Yes, I know. You aren't good enough for anything else, though.”
~ Captain Johnson
“Good point. I'll get right on it, sir.”
~ Officer Bradley
“Moron.”
~ Captain Johnson
“There's a robbery at the corner of fifth and Broadway and one at Ninth and Grand.”:
~ Police Scanner“Fifth and Broadway it is.”:
~ Deputy Carter“But sir! Ninth and Grand is a bank!”:
~ Officer Gerda“I know! But Fifth and Broadway is the donut shop!”:
~ Deputy Carter“Officer! Officer!”
~ Innocent Civilian
“Lady, I'm a sheriff.”
~ Sheriff Roberts
“Sheriff! That man stole my money!”
~ Innocent Civilian on how a mugger is taking her money
“Hey, lady, I'm reading my book here. Now shut up and go away.”
~ Sheriff Roberts
“Sheriff! He got away! And, uh, I'm a man.”
~ Innocent Man
“Well, well, well... Seems I found this little bag of weed in your car. Ooh... I can make ALL of that go away with a simple payment of... I don't know; $1,000. Wait? The cameras are rolling? Uh...”
~ Cop before running away, changing his name, and moving to Moldova
“So, Detective Marks, could you say you saw the defendant running away from the murder scene?”
~ Prosecutor
“Woah, woah, woah. What case is this?”
~ Detective Marks
“*sigh* The Litman case.”
~ Prosecutor
“Well then... Define saw.”
~ Detective Marks
“Sir; have you been drinking tonight?”
~ Deputy Myers
“It's 7:00am, officer.”
~ Man in car
“Officer Sherman, Officer Sherman! Do you think it was just to unload 30 shots on that cat yesterday?”
~ Reporter
“What? That was a cat? I thought it was Satan.”
~ Officer Sherman
“The whole day was running smoothly until the unthinkable happened. Lieutenant Rogers discharged his weapon towards his testicles while on a pee break.”
~ Narrator
“Officer Williams, can I see you in here? Officer, you have failed our drug test. You tested positive for heroin.”
~ Captain James
“Uh.. I ate poppy seed bagels.”
~ Officer Williams
“We found ENORMOUS amounts of heroin in your body, sir.”
~ Captain James
“Uh... I went poppy crazy, you know? Uh... I ate a lot. For uh.. breakfast.”
~ Officer Williams
“Officer, is that a syringe sticking out of your arm?”
~ Captain James
“We've got a bar fight on the corner of 12th and Grand.”
~ Police Scanner
“I'm on it.”
~ Officer Smith, before swinging a punch at a drunk assailant at the bar.
“Sergeant Connors; do you believe you abuse your power?”
~ Reporter
“No I don't. But you're under arrest for Obstruction of Justice.”
~ Sergeant Connors
“Here are the suspects.”:
~ Captain Schmidt“Aren't those the characters from Winnie the Pooh?”:
~ Detective McCoy“As a matter of fact, they are.”:
~ Captain Schmidy“What are the charges?”:
~ Detective McCoy“Stealing a jar of honey from my pantry!”:
~ Captain Schmidt“Tensions were running high throughout the precinct as Detective Mitchell was twenty minutes late with the coffee.”
~ Narrator
“Deputy Watson! What do you think about the reports of the vicious butter knife murderer?”
~ Reporter
“No comment. Wait a second...”
~ Deputy Watson
“This vigilante serial killer has claimed twenty victims already. We need to find him before it's too late.”
~ Captain James
“...and we want to stop him why?”
~ Deputy Paxson stating what everyone in the room was thinking
“Captain! I'm almost finished with it.”
~ Detective Moraghan leaning over a computer
“With the Redding case files?”
~ Captain James
“No. With the Impossible Quiz!”
~ Detective Moraghan
“So.. Mr. Peters, what makes you qualified to become a cop?”
~ Captain James
“I've logged at least 500 hours on Crackdown.”
~ Wannabe cop.
“Being a police officer driving around on the streets isn't easy.”
~ Police officer talking to camera while in car.
“Dude! You're getting jacked!”
~ Cameraman
“Get out of the fucking car and give me the god damn keys!”
~ Car jacker
“Alright, alright. Someone call 9-1-1.”
~ Police officer
“This is a prime suspect.”:
~ Captain Graham“Uh, sir, that's a garden gnome.”:
~ Detective Mays“I know.. but can't you see it? He wants my flesh! It's like he's... plotting something.”:
~ Captain Graham“Uh, Captain, I would like you to meet Doctor Finch. He's a psychiatrist.”:
~ Detective Mays“Hey! That guy is stealing our car.”
~ Officer Richards
“Yeah, so?”
~ Officer Datson
“Aren't you gonna' go stop him?”
~ Officer Richards
“No.”
~ Officer Datson
“Why not?”
~ Officer Richards
“'Cuz, he's my buddy. He works at Dunkin' Donuts, and he's gettin' me freebies.”
~ Officer Datson
“Life as a cop is a hard life.....”
~ Officer Williams
“What's that mysterious ticking noise?”
~ Cameraman
“Oh that's a pipe bomb.”
~ Officer Williams
“Oh, that's nice.”
~ Cameraman
“Hmmm. Doesn't look live, feed it to the dog, eh?”
~ Officer Williams
“10.”
~ Bomb
“9.”
~ Bomb
“7.”
~ Bomb
“6.”
~ Bomb
“Let's see....red wire, blue wire.....green wire?.”
~ Bomb Squad Captain
“Actually captain, I think it's red yellow blue then green.”
~ Bomb Squad Private
“4.”
~ Bomb
“Private! Can't you see that I'm trying to save a housefull of puppies and 17 hostages??
”
~ Bomb Squad Captain
“1.”
~ Bomb
“Ok, we're going to need to surround the house and save the hostage. Here is a picture.”
~ Captain Jones
“Captain... is that your wife?”
~ Officer Dillon
“Yes, it is, and I need to get her out of that baby shower or else she's going to come home and never stop talking about it!”
~ Captain Jones
“Ok, Cotrez, flip on the siren.”
~ Officer Willis
“What for? There's no emergency.”
~ Officer Cortez
“I know, but do you really want to wait at this red light?”
~ Officer Willis
“Good point.”
~ Officer Cortez before flipping the sirens on
“There's more to life than just donuts and coffee, you know.”
~ Officer Brady
“Uh... like what?”
~ Deptuy Garcia
“Hm..... well, you know what? You guys are right. Pass me a glaze.”
~ Officer Brady
“Will you PLEASE let me go?”
~ Serial Killer
“Is that Mario?”:
~ Deputy Gonzalez“Yeah.”:
~ Lieutenant Lawson“Why is he in jail?”:
~ Deputy Gonzalez“He's in for animal cruelty towards turtles. P.E.T.A wants this guy dead.”:
~ Lietenant Lawson“Well you killed 50 people.”
~ Officer Dobbs
“If you let me go; I'll be your best friend!”
~ Serial Killer
“Works for me.”
~ Officer Dobbs before giving the serial killer the keys to his hand cuffs.
“Sir; you were doing 70 mph on a 50 mph zone.”
~ Officer O'Malley
“Officer, but my wife here is giving birth!”
~ Man
“Yeah. How many times I get that one. Everyone knows babies come from the stork. Don't give me this whole, 'giving birth' business”
~ Officer O'Malley
“Ok, officers, time for your weapon trainign! Put on ear and eye protection, please.”
~ Captain Riley
“Hm, I wonder what this trigger does...”
~ Officer Tilman while looking down the barrel of his gun
“Wait! Tilman! No!”
~ Captain Riley
“Let's find out!”
~ Officer Tilman before pulling the trigger
“Sir, we have three hours to meet with their demands.”
~ Officer Branch
“What are their demands?”
~ Captain Cook
“They want three million dollars wired to their given bank account.”
~ Officer Branch
“I'll see what I can do, kid.”
~ Captain Cook while pulling his wallet ut of his pockets
“I've got thirty bucks. Will that cover it?”
~ Captain Cook
“You have the right to remain uh... silent...? And you have the right to a.... oh, ya! A toilet break! Wait, no, that's not it....”
~ Officer Longs while arresting a criminal
“I became a police officer so I could protect my country. As it turns out, we don't protect Bolivia, we protect the United States. That's strange.”
~ Officer Hernandez while being interviewed
“I joined the police so that I could get free donuts and coffee. Also, a gun and shiny gold badge really brings in the ladies.”
~ Officer Turner interrupting the interview
“Good point.”
~ Officer Hernandez
“This guy is going really fast! It's going to be tough to catch him!”
~ Sherriff Garrett while in a car chase
“Wait a second! Oh no!”
~ Sherriff Thompson while turning the car around
“What is it? Why the hell are you turning around!?”
~ Sherriff Garrett
“I left my cat at home! I was supposed to be taking him to the vet!”
~ Sherriff Thompson while moving in the opposite direction of the criminal
“So, Jackson, what do we got here?”
~ Detective Mason
“Two dead. No prints. No weapons. We're out of leads, Mason.”
~ Detective Jackson
“Well that's not good. Hm, what's this?”
~ Detective Mason while picking up a bloody knife in the middle of the room
“Oh, whoops. I guess we missed that conspicuous clue.”
~ Detective Jackson
“Hey, Davis, what's that?”:
~ Officer Truman while pointing at a manekin in a police uniform“That's Mr. Police.”:
~ Officer Davis“What is he for?”:
~ Officer Truman“We have him so it looks like we have an officer standing by and surveiling a place, so criminals fend away. All of us are too lazy to actually go and "survey".”:
~ Officer Davis“Hey, Tyson, pass me another beer.”
~ Officer Martin
“Man, we are soooo buzzed right now...”
~ Officer Tyson
“Totally... Wait are those sirens I hear coming?”
~ Officer Martin
“Oh crap! The cops! Run!”
~ Officer Tyson
“Wait, we are cops.”
~ Officer Martin
“Oh yeah... still, hide the beer.”
~ Offcer Tyson
“Sergeant Winston, can I see you in my office please?”
~ Captain Hill
“Sure, Cap'n, what is it?”
~ Sergeant Winston
“Well, I hate to say this but, you've been doing some pretty bad work lately.”
~ Captain Hill
“Sir, I'm realy really sorry!”
~ Sergeant Winston
“Hey, do't worry, just cause you let three murderers get away with ten kills a piece doesn't mean you're a bad cop. In fact, I called you in here to promote you!”
~ Captain Hill
“Really, sir? To what rank?”
~ Sergeant Winston
“I'm 'promoting' you back down to First Class.”
~ Capatin Hill
“Wow! Thanks, Cap'n!”
~ First Class Winston
“We found your prints all over the scene. The guns and knives were found in your house, and we found videos of you killing them and confessing to doing it. Did you murder all of those women?”
~ Captain Sheffield talking to a serial killer
“I give you my word, I didn't.”
~ Serial Killer
“Okay. You can go.”
~ Captain Sheffield
“Captain Sheffield, do you think it was right to let him go? I mean, the evidence is damning, don't you think he did it?”
~ First Lieutenant Forrest
“I thought that until he gave me his word. And everyone knows its impossible to lie when you give someone your word.”
~ Captain Sheffield
“Detective Marshall had subdued the rapist but had accidentally maced himself in the eye.”
~ Narrator
“Does anyone know where the sugar for the coffee is? Wait, here it is.”
~ Officer Aarons before pouring a bag of white powder into his coffee.
“Officer Aarons, you know that's the cocaine we recovered from the Robinson case?”
~ Officer Hayes
“Well then...”
~ Officer Aarons before snorting the cocaine.
“Uh... Snorting cocaine is illegal.”
~ Officer Hayes
“Don't worry. I'm a cop.”
~ Officer Aarons
“Hey, Johnson. You're going to have to get me a warrant for this place. I know there's some sort of important evidence in there.”
~ Officer Smith
“What are you talking about, Smith?”
~ Officer Johnson
“You're a police man. Now go get me that warrant!”
~ Officer Smith
“I'm a police man?”
~ Officer Johnson
“Officer Franklin! You just ran over that deer!”
~ Officer Dobbs
“Well he didn't have his turn signal on.”
~ Officer Franklin
“I can catch so many criminals on GTA: San Andreas! I should get a medal for this!”
~ Officer Blankwit
“You have commited several felonies... but for the small price of $299.99, I'll let you go!”
~ Officer Sheldon
“Get the mob gear! We've got a donut shop to protect!”
~ Deputy Darwin
“They say protect and serve... but protect and serve what? The drug dealers?”
~ Anonymous Officer
Real Life Cops: The Reality Series!
