A Brief History of Cheeto-Based Weaponry
Origins[edit | edit source]
The use of Cheeto-based weaponry dates back all the way to the Eleventeenth century B.D (Before Due)., on certain remote islands to spread Cheetoism (the act of worshipping Cheetos; not to be confused with Cheetoism, a form of ritual suicide involving a palm tree) to the world by launching cheetos into the air. 40% of 50% of most experts generally agree that, according to legend, Cheeto technology was revealed to mankind when a large Cheeto fell and struck a human's pet dinosaur in the sternum, releasing a cheesy blast that killed all the dinosaurs, but had no adverse effects on humans except mild gas and extreme cheesy satisfaction. However, due to possible ambiguities from translation, other experts claim that the script was actually describing a predecessor to Pong, involving two large stone bears and a ball of meat.
Middle Ages[edit | edit source]
No other civilizations discovered this technology, as none ever could tame the unicorns required for transportation to the aforementioned islands, until the Middle Ages, during the reign of Frazzmatazz IV of Hemiola, who ate a mushroom that transported him and his entire kingdom to one such lost Cheeto island, about 500 feet above ground. Luckily, the cheesy gloop surrounding the island acted like glue and formed, from the bits and pieces of various aspects of the ex-kingdom (including homes, hay, and cattle) into a 1760s-style magical steamboat that spoke only riddles, but backwards in Swahili. This boat then transported them to the rest of the world to tell their story, though it sank before reaching their homeland, because one cow (still alive, while part of the ship) got so greedy with drinking seawater that it exploded and sank the ship. However, one passenger (known only as Banana, even by himself) managed to make a paper airplane out of the skins of his enemies, on which he wrote the stories that the ship told of Cheetos and their ability.
17th and 18th Centuries[edit | edit source]
King Espiola di Kenion of Sri Dato' Setia Alam Mortum Idris deis I riddle-guy was transported to a magical pineapple land where everybody spoke bad Spanish interspersed with a word or two of Catalan. In 1779, that guy was sent to another place and in a dungeon, a Palkia attacked him. Soon he found a weasel, and all those weasel crept up on him. So he used Cheetos quickly to get rid of the weasels.