Albert Matthew Yankovic
- You may not have been looking for his estranged cousin "Weird Al" Yankovic.
Sir Albert Matthew Yankovic "the Weird" is a world famous gourmet chef credited for inventing the Twinkie-weiner sandwich. The success of his popular cooking programme, "The Weird Al Show" also led to some minor success in the music business. Known for his completely original compositions of smooth jazz with classical influences, Yankovic's music career took a sharp downturn with the mainstream success of novelty pop rock parody music, for which more traditional styles such as his were completely unprepared. However, his innovative recipes remain widely popular today.
Personal history[edit | edit source]
Parents[edit | edit source]
Al's Jooish parents, the Yankovics, insist that they are Yugislobian. When asked, "Don't you mean Yugoslavian?" they responded, "No, Y-U-G-I-S-L-O-B-I-A-N! What are you, deaf!?"
Early childhood[edit | edit source]
Yankovic was raised in the town of Lynwood, California, where he lived under the stairs in the corner of the basement of his parents house, located half a block down the street from the historic site of "Jerry's Bait Shop". This house is set to become a national monument upon his inevitable induction into the Cooking Hall of Fame. Here, he met traveling musical instrument salesman Harold Hill who sold him an accordion that is rumored to posses magical powers.
His mother apparently had some bizarre dietary requirements that involved massive daily doses of sauerkraut. When questioned about this, she responded, "It's good for you!" Being force fed nothing but sauerkraut until one is twenty-six and a half years old apparently has some psychedelic effects as it impressed upon young Albert a utopian vision of the mythological city of Albuquerque, which he describes as, "a magical, faraway place where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer and the towels are oh so fluffy! Where the Shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long and anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel! Wacka wacka doodoo yeah!"
Move to Albuquerque[edit | edit source]
Leaving Lynwood became possible when Albert won a local radio contest to correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's hind quarters. Remarkably, his guess was off by only three molecules, which is highly unusual since molecules are normally not measured individually but in terms of moles which are a unit of measure equal to an amount of a substance that contains as many elementary entities (e.g., atoms, molecules, ions, electrons) as there are atoms in 12 grams of pure carbon-12. The grand prize for the contest was a first class one way ticket to Albuquerque.
Tragically, the flight to Albuquerque crashed leaving no survivors except for Yankovic, who attributes his survival of this disaster to having been the only passenger on the plane who had his tray table up and his seat back in the full upright position. To escape the twisted, burning wreckage, he crawled on his hands and knees for three whole days. He lost all of his worldly possessions in the crash except for the things he could drag with him which were his big leather suitcase, (which contained his magical accordion) his garment bag, his tenor saxophone, his twelve-pound bowling ball and his lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel.
Finally, he arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn where the towels are oh so fluffy. It is said that one can eat one's food right out of the ash trays there if one desires because they are so clean.
He was left with little time for his respite however, because he soon encountered a big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril who stole his lucky snorkel. Yankovic immediately vowed that he would not rest until the One Nostriled Man was brought to justice, but decided to first get some donuts.
Marriage to Princess Zelda[edit | edit source]
At the donut store, he was unpleasantly surprised that they were out of every conceivable variety of donut imaginable except for a box of one dozen starving crazed weasels. Yankovic bought this and the weasels immediately started physically assaulting him.
Yankovic said, "I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face, wavin' my arms all around and just runnin' and runnin' and runnin' like a constipated wiener dog." It was at this exact moment that he first encountered his future wife: Princess Zelda of Nintendo fame whose first words to him were, "Hey, you've got weasels on your face" which was how Yankovic knew it was true love.
They were married and had two children, named Nathaniel and Superfly. Apparently, they each got to name a child and Nathaniel was named by Zelda. The marriage didn't last, however, and they soon broke up over a dispute about whether or not to join the Columbia Records Club. Reminiscing years later, Yankovic said, "That's just the way things go in Albuquerque."
Early culinary experience[edit | edit source]
A week after the divorce, Yankovic got a job at the local fast food restaurant, "the Sizzler" where he quickly distinguished himself by extinguishing a grease fire with his face, for which he was awarded the "Employee of the Month" award.
Violent behavior[edit | edit source]
In a bizarre confrontation with a coworker named Marty, (aka "Torso-Boy") Yankovic consensually cut off all Marty's arms and legs with a chainsaw. He avoided criminal charges for this extreme act of violence on the grounds that it was totally consensual. Yankovic also bit several people, leading to speculations that he may in fact be a vampire.
Homelessness and relationship with Harvey the Wonder Hamster[edit | edit source]
Having lost his job over this questionable behavior, he soon became homeless and was forced to live in the city sewers where he met superpowered crime fighter and part-time stunt driver Harvey the Wonder Hamster. Harvey's influence completely turned Albert's life around. Yankovic remarked, "He doesn't bite and he doesn't squeal. He just runs around on his hamster wheel!" This positive example inspired Yankovic to reform his own behavior and embrace a more nonviolent way of life, despite being evicted from the sewers by sanitation workers.
Move to Ohio and alleged continuing psychological instability[edit | edit source]
He migrated to a city in Ohio where he lived in a tree and worked in a factory that manufactured nasal decongestants as a tester both for quality control and for research and development. During this period, he won some tournaments with the company bowling team.
He is reported as saying he continued to have a recurring dream in which he was was wearing lederhose in a vat of sour cream. However, some experts have questioned the importance and relevance of this information.
While working for the nasal decongestant factory he had a brief relationship with a dental hygienist who had a spatula tattooed on her arm. In all probability, this was Veronica Greenblum, daughter of Sy Greenbloom, the owner of Spatula City, a worldwide chain of retail stores that sells spatulas and only spatulas.
He also got a part time job at a "tater tot farm." Unlike conventional potato farms, this tater tot farm grew fully prepared tater tots instead of normal potatoes. This unique experience also contributed to Yankovic's culinary skills, which he started to apply in inventing the jelly bean and pickle sandwich, one of his early successful recipes.
The Al-Cave[edit | edit source]
He soon spent his life savings on a split-level cave located approximately twenty miles below the surface of the Earth, where he lives to this day. Also serving as Harvey the Wonder Hamster's equivalent to the Bat-Cave, Al's secret Fortress of Solitude justifies his classification as producing "underground music."
"The Weird Al Show"[edit | edit source]
One day in early 1997, Albert went into a nearby forest, reportedly in order to get a tan. This may have been difficult on account of not being able to see the forest for the trees. Here, he encountered television executive (and part-time Mad Scientist) Dr. Demento who had become caught in a bear trap. Having been highly trained in medicine, Yankovic set Dr. Demento free, starting a long-lasting and productive relationship. Demento gave Yankovic a four month contract for his very own nationally syndicated weekly television program, "The Weird Al Show" and the rest is history.
Discography[edit | edit source]
Studio albums[edit | edit source]
- 1983 - Awful
- 1988 - Even Worse
- 1989 - Other Stuff (in Ultra High Frequency)
- 1992 - Random Banging
- 1993 - Something About Dinosaurs
- 1996 - Really Really Bad Breath
- 1999 - Cutting People's Eyes Out With Scissors
- 2003 - Slim Shady Sucks: Why We All Hate M&Ms Despite Their Alluring Chocolatey Goodness
- 2006 - Straight Outta Straight Outta Compton
- 2011 - OMG I'm Old Now
- 2014 - So Old I'm Now On My Way to Mandatory Euthanization
Remix Albums[edit | edit source]
- 1994 - Even Worse In 3-D
Live Albums[edit | edit source]
- 1985 - Dare To Be Stupid Enough To Attend One Of My Concerts (Live in Burgeropolis)
- 1986 - Live At the Party at the Leper Colony
- 2001 -
Frat Party at the Pancake Festival- no wait, that was Linkin Park. (I swear to God! Look it up if you don't believe me)