Arthur Griffith

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Arthur Griffith (Irish: Art Ó Gríobhtha; c. 1011 – 12 August 1922) was an Irish freedom fighter, journalist, Republican Party Supreme Leader and full-time paedophile who would regularly wander around the streets of Drugblin, or "Dublin", taking a peek up the skirts of Dublin schoolgirls. Griffith grew up in an old tenement house in the middle of the city slums where he was the head crime lord in the popular heroin trafficking business that he used to transport cabbage and potatoes throughout the country of Burma where he did not fit in with the Burmian people as he apparently was not "Asian enough" and because his moustache made him look similar to the facial completion of the aborigines who are sworn enemies of the Burman people. He can be described as having a yellow skin color and can be seen hanging around with Homer Simpson.

Early life

Despite having no parents, Arthur always said that he lived a very lucky life. Mentioning that he was hit by a train only once in his life and that he had only gotten alcohol poisoning a handful of times as a child. Despite being a sex-pest, Arthur was a very popular man with many hobbies. One of these hobbies was strutting down the street wearing nothing but tube socks and a pair of speedos while windmilling his genitals at the local farmers that crowded O'Connell Street. He didn't have it all his own way however, genital windmilling attracted many of the local sheep which would occasionally charge at him in a quest for a piece of meat. And as a result of the sheep charging, Ned had his penis chewed off and his scrotum amputated.

Painting Crisis

Without his Crown Jewels, Griffith felt like all hope was lost. He could no longer strut down the local streets showing off his balls and he decided to kill himself. He hitched a wagon to the Hill Of Tara where he jumped s whole 4 feet causing him to get a mild concussion and a scratched knee. However this scratch became infected And was later diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's Disease and was permanently disabled. After making a miraculous recovery, Griffith to up an interest in painting and was employed by Kim Il-Sung to paint posters of Korean propaganda.

However, one of his paintings went wrong when he was supposed to paint an area green but instead yellow. This crisis eventually lead to the Korean War after the South made fun of his painting and Kim Il-Sung's chubby cheeks. This war waged on until The Anglo-Irish Treaty was signed by the two Koreas.

Griffith returned to Cabbageland where he worked as a popular pimp in the Dublin slums. However, his business was crushed when a rivaling whoare house moved next door owned by the Maltese. Griffith was angry and decided to declare war on Malta. Griffith was promoted to Supreme Leader of The Kingdom of Longford and started creating nuclear weapons to destroy Malta. The war with the Maltese waged on for 40 years with the Griffiths army heavily equipped with sheep bombs and Potatoe C4s.

Nuclear War with Malta

After conquering much of Western Europe including Britain, France, Spain, Germany, Italy and all of the Baltic States, Griffith set about Nuking Malta into the stratosphere. Unfortunately for Griffith, his army was fresh out of C4 potatoes and all of his sheep had died from radiation poisoning. His plans were in ruins. The Maltese counter-attacked and his Army was defenceless against their malteser bombs that included hazardess ingredients such as skimmed milk and cocoa butter along with that "Oh So Chocolaty goodness". Griffiths army could not hold off the temptation and soon ate all of their evil malteser packets causing his entire army to die of obesity.

The Arab Years

The Kingdom of Longford had been defeated and Griffith retreated to Mount Hira where he prayed to Allah for help. Fortunately for Griffith, he had come to the right place. The Middle-East was filled with Muslim extremists who were pro's in causing havoc. He dressed himself in a black robe and used spray on tan to pass as a local Arab. He earned a job as a camal driver and went from place to place searching for the great Transformer cube that the Muslims wanted to ensure their dominance over the Christians and Hindus. While traveling, he became a member of the Muslim Republican Brotherhood and helped plan the 9/11 terrorist attacks on New York City. While planning, he formed a civil partnership with Osama Bin Laden and soon had their first child together. Unfortunately, Osama soon fell ill and died of insect killer inhalation. Despite becoming the new leader of the Muslim faith, Ned had no idea that Christian prayers were different to Muslim prayers and the Muslims decided to shoot him into space. While in space he created 6 new planets and created a death hole where the earth was being sucked in to.

Zombie Apocalypse

Eventually, his space pod crashed onto mainland America which measured a staggering 11.7 on the Richter scale which killed millions of people, but even worse, Griffiths glasses had broken and he was permanently blinded. Little did he know that outside, the radiation turned many of the people into mutant zombies which sweeped the nation. President Coppercab declared a state of emergency and urged all families to put their children to slaughter to save them the trouble of being raped by zombies. He also declared ginger the official colour of America and set up the American Inquisition which tried and killed blondes, brunettes and anyone who was considered inferior to the Ginger race. Neddy was taken to the Gulag where he was forced to work slave labour for the rest of his life. He later died of a bathtub electrocution.

The Bloodiest War

However, oddly, Ned reincurinated as a blind dog and took part in the National Dog Show where he picked up First prize. He was now sure that now that he was a national champion, he could gain world dominance and become "El Supremo" of the Vigin Islands and Peurto Rico. Peurto Rico had a long bitter rivalry with the Falklands and eventually the two declared war on each other . The war was brutal and over 4 people were killed. However, Peurto Rico prevailed and Griffith decided he wanted to gain more "Lebensraum" by conquering Ireland and Britain.

War of Independance (1919-1922)

At the time, Britain controlled Ireland and Griffith felt that Ireland was being picked on because it was short. Griffith decided to help the Irish by creating a new Political Party called Sinn Féin (Cabbage people). He forced the Peurto Rican National Army along with the Irish to invade Britain and to massacre the royal family. As soon as the royal family were gone, Ned decided to Nuke Britain and declare victory over them. On the 12th of August 1922, the Nuclear bomb was set off in Britain. Griffith thought he had succeeded in gaining world domination but unfortunately, the power of the explosion blew his moustache right off from under his nose, resulting in him having a cardiac arrest while playing water polo with his friends Mickey Collins and DeV.

Death

Griffith was buried in Glasnevin cemetery along with his pals. However, Griffith did not rest even while dead. He was voted the "Most Inspirational Person" in Times Magazine. Griffith is remembered most fondly for his most famous quote saying : "Haha! I am the greatest Didily-dictator of all time. Screw you all!"