Auti-Stick
The Auti-Stick is a confirmed and a 100.1% accurate autism test created in 1389 by Sigmund Floyd.
Description[edit | edit source]
This test is just a small, 5-inch, thin wooden stick that is inserted into your urethra. After a few minutes, a fluid will come out. If it's red, you're normal. If it's white, then you might have autism. This is additionally checked by seeing if the person will reach out to try and taste the fluid. If they try tasting it, it's confirmed that they have autism. If not, the stick stays in there for 10 minutes, and if some kind of green goo starts coming out, it means that the person being tested drinks too much Monster and is therefore autistic.
Method of working[edit | edit source]
The penis has nerve endings at the tip. These were personally found out by Floyd to be the most accurate for diagnosing autism. How he found that out is private information.
History[edit | edit source]
Before the Auti-Stick, Floyd was using his pinky to do this test, but after his fingers started having tumors due to his endeavors, he had to make another way to test people for autism. At first, in 1388, he started using a little rod, where one end would go into the urethra, and Floyd would clench the other end of the rod with his teeth. Unfortunately, Floyd could not resist the sexual urge, so the test recipients' penises were pierced with these metal rods. This way of testing has been banned since, although other researchers and Floyd's students like Carl Ustav Mung have been pushing for the de-criminalization of "rod stimulation". In 1389, Floyd tried other objects such as ear sticks and pencils. One day, while he was in his bathroom doing the longer thing, he remembered the joke: "What is brown and sticky? A stick!" and he saw the solution right in front of his eyes, after which he had flushed the toilet. He made little sticks out of his feces, but this turned out to be damaging to the urinary system, even though it was even more accurate. Floyd had to settle for a normal, wooden stick, which is used to this day.
Side effects[edit | edit source]
You might feel nauseating effects or pain while urinating. You might also not be able to have children with your partner(s) parent(s) patent(s), such as this exact test (trust me, there have been cases) if you've turned out to be normal. But hey, infertility is a good thing! You can inhale as much sulfur as you want because you'll be sterile anyway.
Critical reception[edit | edit source]
This test has been critically received. Every critic has received this test in order to be a Certified Critic™.