Baron Von Funk
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| Rein of Terror: | 1975 – 1992 (?) | |
| Henchmen: | Ninja Junkies | |
| Doomsday Weapon: | Fast Growing FLSD Mold | |
| Date of birth: | Novenber 1st, 1950 | |
| Place of birth: | Washington DC | |
| Bride / Concubine: | None | |
| League Affilliation: | Dastardly Brotherhood of Evil | |
“Hey. Drink this.”
“Time to get this par-tay Fun-key!”
Origin[edit | edit source]
In 1971, after the defeat of Del Monte, several hundred cans of refined Whoop-Ass were confiscated by the government for testing. The tests were fairly routine, until a young scientist named Joseph von Fahnk tried mixing the Whup-Ass with heavily modified Funk. The resulting explosion threw him backwards into the CIA's experimental LSD lab, covering him in powerful psychotropic chemicals. When he finally awoke three weeks later, he was forever changed. He likes little boys. Also, when he is intoxicated he can do a great impersination of Ghandi.
Rise to Power[edit | edit source]
Unlike most supervillains, Baron Von Funk did not ever build up a criminal empire. Instead, he just got people addicted to the special hallucinogenic funk (FLSD) he had brewed in his Funky Town-based laboratory and ordered them to do his bidding. There was never any sort of coherent structure to the organization, and his minions were usually left to die from withdrawal once he was done with them. The only exception to this was his elite band of Ninja Junkies, hopelessly addicted to the Baron's Funk but granted extraordinary Rhythm above even other Ninjas. This allowed them to administer smackdowns with unparalleled grace and a catchy percussive beat.
Major Feats of Villainy[edit | edit source]
Baron Von Funk's primary feat of villainy was to give out free samples of his FLSD and then give the hapless pawn orders to "bust shit up". This was more of a nuisance than anything else, but in 1976 (only one year after his accident) he loaded the mixture into spray bottles and had his tweaked-out minions spray others as fast as they could. This caused riots, and the price of gasoline went up by fifty percent. Just because.
Later, the Baron refined his special brand of Funk not to increase rhythm, but to increase the Stank. He then mixed it with Whoop-Ass to create a mixture known only as Ass-Funk. It was possibly the most toxic smell on the planet, able to cause physical injury just by smelling it. All 100 citizens of Kansas had to be evacuated due to a single Ass-Funk bomb. Another device was detonated in New Jersey, but it went unnoticed.
A similar failure happened two years later when the Baron attempted to spike a city's water supply with FLSD, but as he had chosen San Francisco there were minimal effects, other than gasoline prices rising by fifty percent.
Enraged by a lack of any large-scale disasters he could claim credit for, the Baron isolated himself for nearly six years working on a special project. His Ninja Junkies were still sent out to cause mayhem and steal supplies, but Baron Von Funk himself was not seen. Then, in 1986, he revealed his plan to the world - he had taken the gene in Funk (the mold) that causes it to produce Funk (the chemical) and spliced it into another type of fast growing mold. Then, enhancing the fungus so that it would produce FLSD, he released it. Early batches were relatively weak, as he fine-tuned the mixture it improved. In 1989 the Baron released spores that grew so rapidly they covered people in mid-stride. This is, in fact, how topiary gardens were invented.
The mold was refined time and time again, until eventually the Baron claimed to have one so potent that it would cover the entire world within a week. Gasoline prices soared. World leaders panicked, unsure as to how he could be stopped. When asked if there was anything that could be done to dissuade him from his course of action, he asked only for a tolerable Pauly Shore movie. The world knew that all was lost.
Defeat[edit | edit source]
Shockingly, when Baron Von Funk released the mold, it first grew on the Baron himself, killing him in the process. The mold, which should have been able to survive nearly anything, was actually destroyed by the immense levels of LSD, Funk, and Whup-Ass in the Baron's blood. Experts later determined that the levels in Baron Von Funk's system were nearly as high as those of Keith Richards.