Cohagen: the Forbidden Files

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This article is one of Illogicopedia's EPICs.

Cohagen Darell is a man who lives by no rules, no guidelines to restrict him from everyday nincompoopery. We follow Cohagen through a day at his normal office job in Google Topeka, Kansas. As this story unfolds, you will hopefully see that Cohagen Darell is just like us all. Minus the fact that he is half-man, half-horse!


It's your typical day at your typical job in your typical city, etc. etc. etc. Cohagen is awaken from his morning nap at Micro Inc. by a loud rumble from the south corridor. Cohagen enjoys sleeping in the early hours of his 6 a.m.-9 p.m. career due to the necessity to watch late talk shows the night before. Cohagen notices it's his coworkers all standing near the office water-cooler, exchanging rather vulgar jokes and whatnot. After realizing that these soldiers-of-the-bad-economy are the loud rumbling noises (besides his stomach, which is not accustomed to this exhausting tomfoolery he calls a job) he had heard earlier, he decides to leap out of his special-fit chair and gallops over towards the crowd. Cohagen is welcomed by the cold shoulder, a frozen-wasteland cold if you will, with the occasional smirk.

When Cohagen asks "What's up?", the crowd lay silent, waiting for each other to respond.

When Mr. Darell's coworker Janice replies "Ummmm... How- How are you?" Cohagen is awkwardly suspicious, but thinks nothing more as a horse fly rises from his rear in hope of a better home.

Cohagen asks what everybody else was was laughing about earlier in search for a good joke to use at his son's next pep rally for the equestrian club. The silent coworkers huddle in a soundproof group with the occasional peep. After a bitter silence, Janice comes out and responds "We just told this joke, nothing special, just a joke."

Cohagen asks "Hey, let me have a hear at this joke! Maybe I could use it at the next meeting for the daily brown-nosing to the boss." Janice is stricken with fear of Cohagen's tall exterior, his long camo pants from the Army Surplus store, and his ripped shirt from Big and Tall that creates this god-like stature.

Janice says "What is as big as a horse but doesn't weigh anything?" Cohagen sports a questioned look with a hint of resentment. The fly from the rear of Cohagen has returned to hear this joke. Janice answers her own joke after a brief survey of the room shows most of her coworkers relieved of their brief unity. "A horse's shadow!" she answers, with a fake giggle and a crack of a smile so small that the fly couldn't zoom into it. Cohagen is suddenly filled with hate as he asked "Are you trying to say that horses are large? That-that horses are overweight?!" Janice, still struck with fear, resorts to her small body and retreats to the break room, a doorway too low for Cohagen to travel through. Cohagen has lost this round.


Cohagen Darell is forced to reconcile his differences and returns to his desk to get a head-start on his paperwork. The fly returns to his rear due to the outside world reacting harshly to young flies. Bitter conditions, be gone with ye as the fly returns to the anal cavity the rest of his family resides in. Cohagen scans the tower of papers on his ever-present clutter of an office area. He is believed to have only one thing to do, and that is to stack papers and sort them to the boss' liking. He has some trouble with this task due to an incredible amount of stress towards his hooves. No thumbs, just hooves.

The fly would know this area is a problem. He and his family of four had recently lived there and had this to say about it: "Bzzzzzzzzz bzzz bzzz bzbzbzbz bzzz" This directly translates to "That area is like the Projects: dangerous place man, dangerous place." Cohagen decides to sort out the papers and finish the task as neatly as possible. He believes the title "Employee of the Month" will belong to him, a struggle worth struggling for. The fly will enjoy this because the extra raise goes towards a new mud pool outside Cohagen's house. Cohagen, daydreaming this whole time, abruptly shuts his eyes and begins his neigh-filled slumber. Cohagen is at peace.


Not much has happened according to Cohagen. His mind has kept him stimulated until the moment his brain triggered something he's never felt before. Lust! He batted his eyes awake, firmly opening them to keep his vision ready for this dream. The fly awoke, as well. Cohagen, with a bright smile spread across his face like butter on toast, anxiously watches in disbelief that no one is there. No one but the company of himself, the fly and family, and these dozens of papers needing to be sorted.

Cohagen once believed in love, he recalled, stating "Love for me is like nails to a balloon. It's simple: we don't mesh very well." The fly would have a statement prepared but he is a procrastinator and is busy handling the derriere of Cohagen. With the sight of nothing but files, Cohagen forces himself to do his work, with a slight bit of lust still inside of him.

After the sorting is finished, Cohagen's hooves covered in ink and paper-cuts, he begins to ponders today's events. Cohagen tried to start a conversation with several people: they reject him and turn against Cohagen. Cohagen tries to win Employee of the Month: Janice, the hard working coworker (who Cohagen has felt attracted to for oh so long) will most likely win this prestigious award due to excellent looks and great potential. For Cohagen? Nothing. Cohagen has doubts for the first time in his life. The fly begins packing his family's belongings and is ready to move out in the near future. Cohagen would do the same, although his only possessions are his job, ripped shirt, camo pants, and the fly. Cohagen is lonely.


Cohagen is working late tonight.

The fly is working late tonight as well. You see, the fly's daughter has died of unknown diseases. With the mother sent out of the rear of Cohagen with the other kids, the fly is ready for some hard work. He must bury his little girl, a task he may not complete due to a break in sanity. The fly relates to Cohagen.

Ever since Cohagen was a boy-pony, he has always had problems with love. Little Cohagen would wake up in the early morning hours to travel across Man-Horse Town to see the other females. He would not talk to or have relations with these beautiful creatures, but watch. Watch and learn their habits, their favorite things, their names, etc. etc. etc. Cohagen has never felt love until today.

The fly completes the task and cries for the rest of the night.

Cohagen feels for the fly and stays there for him as he mourns.

They both lost their loves today.

Closing Hours[edit]

Cohagen exits the building with one thought, the thought of love in the EYRE "TOTAL RECALL" REFERENCE air. He knows he will not make it in life without love, but what shall he do? He hasn't but the fly and his clothes to him.

The fly. The fly couldn't handle himself or his life's problems, so he traveled outside of the rear of Cohagen. The fly staggers along a sewer grate and happens to fall in. Be it an accident or suicide, the fly is relieved.

Cohagen, realizing he only has his clothes and nothing else, no friends or love, travels to the sewer grate the fly visited to pay respects. Cohagen is alone at last. He decides to curl up in the corner of the alley he is near to and falls asleep, hoping for better times.


Morning comes, and Cohagen repeats his daily schedule, same as the day before and every day for that matter. The only change is the fly. Could it be that Cohagen can't even connect to one thing for the shortest amount of time before it leaves him? Cohagen's life is redundant. Cohagen feels no remorse for anybody, not even himself.

Cohagen is trapped.

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