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You may have been looking for The Conspiracy. If not, you are now!

Don't. Make. Another. Move.

They can see you.

Don't ask me how, you don't want to know. You don't want to know in the least bit. It's all a big conspiracy.

You really wanna know?[edit]

Alright, I'll tell you, but don't be surprised when they come to your house a month later with this whole conversation on playback tape and a pair of electrified nipple twisters in their hands. Don't say I didn't warn you.

You see that dadaist picture of a duck-shaped Mona Lisa in the corner, there? Yeah, that's how they see us. They cut out the eyes in the picture and replaced them with robots. Robots that can do just about anything, from recording conversations to firing rocket launchers that fire rockets that explode into other rocket launchers.

What? You don't see a dadaist picture of a duck-shaped Mona Lisa in the corner?

My god, they are even stronger than I thought. They gave the robots invisibility cloaks now. It isn't safe here anymore. Here, put on this tinfoil hat, we need to get to the safe house... PRONTO!

Cone Dinasur[edit]

The earth aint flat its a mf cone dinosaurs still exist in the congo the government is making weather weapons kfc is actually turtle 5G gives you aids theres playdoh in our drinking water the illuminati is putting estrogen in the lakes to make the frogs gay Hitler is still alive making dinosaur nuggets the earth is hollow and filled with sasquatches the pyramids we're made with mammoth power the dictionary was made by aliens so we could understand their language McDonald's is using parrots to make it's burgers mars is a hologram Elon musk is a lizard person the world is run by gnomes seasame street is teaching kids to join terrorist cells crabs are actually reinforced spiders Facebook is owned by wendigos aliens are abducting people to teach them how to summon satan


Okay, there's a new problem. They have cameras on outside. I know because I saw several suspicious looking prostitutes. Don't ask how I knew they had cameras on them, if I tell you they will just record all of my secrets of detection, and then I'll be powerless. Then we both die. And you don't want that do you? I know that's what they want. That's exactly what they want.

We're going to have get out of here some other way, then.

How, you ask? I can't tell you how. If I told you how, they'll just follow. I'll have to improvise, you just follow wherever I'm going. Actually, no. Don't follow where I'm going. Go in the exact opposite direction, even if it means going to exactly where they are. If anything, they won't expect it.

At least I hope so.

I'm going to close my eyes and feel around for an exit now. Why aren't you wearing your tinfoil hat? Jesus christ, man, do you want to be Assimilated? I'm not even sure if I can trust you anymore. You might be working for them!

Oh christ, it's what happened with Jebediah all over again! I'm sorry, man, I'm going to have to kill you. No, wait! Come back! I was just kidding! NO! DON'T GO BY THE DOOR! THE PROSTITUTES... I SAY, THE PROSTITUTES!