Crazy Murder Girl

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You've had some bad luck with women in the past, from the girlfriend who thought she was a vampire to the girl who said that Tippex turned on her on. But, my friend, nothing compares to Crazy Murder Girl, also named Izzy from Total Drama Island.

First impressions

You met her on an online chatroom, and within minutes she had convinced herself that you are either best friends, e-lovers or both. Foolish enough to give her your telephone number, she now calls you a dozen times a day. Somehow she gets your home address and you begin receiving the most lurid, disturbing letters from her.

The e-mail (extract)

The email arrives shortly after you stop responding to her calls. Things are starting to get scary, but you still feel in control - after all you can just ignore this person and hopefully they will go away.

"Look, I want you to know I think the only reason I am not considered a slut is because I am not underhanded, sneaky or stupid. I don't play games. I don't casually sleep with people who can't handle it. I don't whore around I just do what I want if the opportunity presents itself. I rarely leave the house, not because I am filthy; I shower every day and wear clean clothes. I really don't care."

The Letter (extract)

It's been a week since you answered the phone or replied to an email. A letter arrives. Inside the envelope is a neatly folded piece of paper and what looks like human hair. You begin to read:

"Look, red pubes! You don't have to send me any of yours or anything. I plan to see them myself someday. Hurrah! I can be as dirty as I want without feeling guilty. I've also sent hair from other parts of my body to prove I am red all over. I don't really care. If you don't think it's red just consider the thickness? Hold it up to the light. Most people share the irony."

The visit

Three days after the letter arrived and you are beginning to feel less paranoid. She hasn't tried to make contact for a while now. The door bell rings.

Crazy girl:"I love you!" *starts chainsaw*

You:"Holy fuck!!!!"

Crazy girl:*while slicing through your torso with the chainsaw* "I love you sooooo much!"