Crossford

This article was too bizarre for Uncyclopedia,   but Illogicopedia loves random stuff.

→

Crossford is a large gay village a few years outside of Dunfermline in the west of Fife, Scotland. The word Crossford, come from the fact that it crosses a ford (a river, but in this case a pathetic stream). Crossford is one of the finest villages in Russia and southern Iceland.

The Village

The village itself was built after Sir Gingham Ruislip, an 18th century adventurer and part time racist, returned from his travels around the Congo and Antartica, to his ancestral home of Fife. Inspired by the wide boulevards of Paris, where a Gin soaked Prostitute had taken his virginity following a lost bet with fellow traveller, Lord Byron, he decided to replicate the finery of the French Capital and set to his task. Hiring the designer of the Palace at Versailles, Jean Claude Claude-Claude for the hefty fee of one Iraqi Dinar per week, he quickly had designs for a truly marvellous spaceport. Sacking these off, he threw the plans in the face of the Frenchman, leading to a duel, in which Sir Gingham lost an eye and the use of his left toe. Crippled by sadness, physical pain and financial ruin, his life ended in 1798 when an expedition of Congolese debt collectors arrived to chase up payment on an extravagant new Kitchen he'd bought on credit, under the name of Mobuto.

Fearing his masterpiece and lebenswerk would never be built, Claude-Claude, by now enobled by Queen Anne, decreed that he would "finish the project, in time and on time." That it was ten years overdue was an irony which sadly escaped the Frenchman. Nonetheless the village of Crossford was taking shape and indeed the wimpey estate was completed in 1802, quite a feat for the time, as Sir Claude-Claude had difficulty in distracting the locals from their twin pastimes of "Pies, Golf and Fighting."

The village was finally completed in the year of 1954 and is a satellite town of Paris. To this day, the links between the two proud conurbations are best reflected in the cuisine available in Local eatery "The Pitfirrane Arms."

Crossford has serveral 'districts' these include;

• Keavil Woods is a wooded area next to the Keavil Casino and Gardening Centre( where you can see many youths smashing the window till there off to playgroup) Many underage teens get drunk here,where is a great place for rapist and is a very popular destination for tourists.
• The Wimpy Estate is a large housing estate in which 133% of the population of Crossford live, it is a large and winding collection of roads and sky-walkways designed to trap and ensnare 'Neds'enjoying school nights off playing chap door run.
• David Sands The only village shop in Scotland who doesn't sell Buckfast. Crossford is just not that kind of place. Go to Cairneyhill for that. The manager, Marie, is a cunt. You will get asked for ID if you are under 60.
• Car Shop - providers of expensive cars and a selection of funny looking Hondos (not a typo) and is a fantastic, decent, alright, cheap, ok, poor, shoddy crap place to buy a car.
• the mastercheif - where a bunch of italian immagrants thought it would be funny to open a chip shop offering a bag of chips for £8.50.
• Crossford Park The main place where the Teens get to their drinking addictions, with the night ending up in most of the spewing, and being carried home by their parents.many youths organise fights against other villages across europe here.
• Crossford Primary School - Where the young youth from ages 5 - 25 are taught how to spell 'CAT' and 'DOG' properly, and then they move onto advanced Modulous and Advanced Calculus, the students then ave the option of leaving after primary 4 to pursue Janitorial Work.
• BT Phonebox - A Standard Target for Russian Terrorist Vandals, where they use Bio-research and Nuclear Weapons to smash the window with bricks. Only used by one family, the Woodalls who can be seen walking up to the village shop 5 times an hour.

Villagers are not longer crying over flats being built soon as the builders got peeved off by the pushy Community Council.

Gala Day

What all 239 days of the year lead up to, a chance to block main street, laugh at small childeren donning poor outfits made shoddily by their parents. And for parents to spend a saturday afternoon drinking beer and chatting aimlessly. Now the Committee have a pathetic website: [1]

Historic Events

• The Egg Wars (circa 1992) - The village ran into crisis due to the shortage of eggs, provided for the 4th battle of the Ovoids between rival factions the CBC and GGP. Several casualities ensued and the battle ended after the 4th day of terror during the Siege of Dawson when a member of the GGP produced a petrol bomb and the resultant cry of 'brown sauce on my chips' was heard for miles.

• The Budding Years (circa 1988-1992) - A Crossford Sport handed down from generation to generation - the art of throwing buds at anything and everything that moved, was at it's peak during late eighties/early nineties. Teenagers fuelled by E numbers would terroise the village in their droves. The Rosa rubiginosa or commonly know as the rosehip bud, is a pomaceous fruit of the rose plant, that typically is red-to-orange, but ranges from dark purple to black in some species. With the correct accuracy and force this fruit could be thrown up to 50mph and could take the head of a chicken.Villagers including 'Gatting', 'Lowe', 'beardy fatwang', 'Big-Man-U', 'Left-foot-snide' were regular victims of this hit and run crime, amongst every moving object on the Keavil Road. Status was achieved with level of bravery and accuracy. A professional Budder could hit a moving object from 50feet and then stand and taunt the victim. Following the glory years,the Agricultural Crime Division acted on behalf of the Government and removed all fruit growing bushes.

• 1985 Gala Fives Cup Final Jnr Section (7-10 year olds) A monomentous occasion in the Fife footballing world, the population of crossford packed into the King George VI playing fields similar to scenes at El Bombonera to witness a starlet in the making, a football genius who's skills had been talked about from Blairhall to Buckhaven. The sporting world was shocked to witness a monumental use of profanities and over-use of the 'devil eyes' by the ginger starlet, in reponse to decisions made by Crossfords 'Pierluigi Collina', Jim Foster Esquire. The red card, followed by a lifetime Ban from gala fives , meant the career which was destined for success, went down the pan.

• The Crossford Premiership Years (1985-1987) Due to the construction of the 'Knotts Landing' - a multi-million dollar estate built holleywoodesque into the Pitconnique Hill - new money had entered Crossford. Russian oil Tycoons, Mexican Telecom Chiefs and Colombian Drug Lords funded what is now referred to as the Premiership Years,a billion dollar enterprise which was regarded as the Villages Main Footballing league competetion. In its inception year, teams entered from all locations: Crossford Colts, Wimpey Wanderers, RoseHill Rovers,Links Park Orient and Racing Club Of Crossford. Crossford Colts took the league by storm and won by a fine margin in the first season, generally due to inflating the transfer market and acquiring all the best talent, Often for as much as 50p, a snickers and a 2minute watch of 'Swedish meatballs'. The Colts had qualified for Europe and were due to play their first round tie at the West End Park but crowd trouble and violence marred the night and they were subsequently handed a 3 year ban. Some intersting facts lay with Wimpey Wanderers who often played with the Local stray Dog in goals and who's hallowed turf, named the 'Y' consisted of lamposts, concrete and rabbit holes. The trick to negiotating a result at the 'Y' was to avoid the local 'ball-knivers'.. Often games were stopped with shouts of 'Yer no Playing there!'. The clubs eventually went bust when the league kitty was stolen to purchase 'Swedish Meatballs II'.

• The Crossford Raves(1990-1993) Originally hosted at the Village Hall under the influence of Crossford House legend DJ Drew Wright, the popularity of these club nights grew to such a level that the venue had to be moved to the Scout hall. Second only to Gatsbys, Crossford raves surfed the dizzy heights of the new rave waves crashing through Scotland, with a pulsating dancefloor guided by Dutch Techno Pioneer DJ Goor. Dozens of hormonal teenagers flocked to these events to show off their best kronkin. Travel Fox,Troop,C17 were just some of the designer logos often seen in some of Fifes finest raves. Always a pay at the door event, local knowledge allowed free 'fire-door exit' entry to those in the know. In Late 1993, the raves were shutdown due to the over-use of a Strobe light which left 3 partygoers temporarily blinded.

Pastimes

• The Art of Couffling Brought to the village By Jean Claude Claude-Claude in the 19th century the art of couffling(from the French for wet Jump) is an extreme outdoor sport which was prominent in the 1980's but still can be found today. During a couffle (or Burn-jump) the participant would increase his/her social status by the ability to throw themselves over white water river rapids without falling in. A team of coufflers would often be found 'squelching' home after a hard day dans la Couffle.

• The Farmers Delight Another extreme outdoor sport involved a 3 stage set-up process which was carried out with military precision. Stage (1)- Rolling the Bale: A freshly made bale was selected for high hay content and rolled into the nearby wooded area. Stage(2) - Release the Hay: The bales were then ripped apart by the local savage. Stage(3) - Make the Jump: Pushed under a suitable tree so the participant could make the 100foot jump from the tree tops into the hay. The most dangerous of all village extreme sports, which often caused broken bones, was brought to an abrupt end in the summer of 1988 when a bale was set alight. The assailant was eventually caught by the local farmer and executed by firing squad.

• The Romanian Conts An Abbreviated colloquialism the Romanian Conts(short for Romanian Continental Goal Nets) were similar to the deep rectangular goal nets employed in the Camp Nou and most of Europe in the 1980's.Many nights were spent by the local youths re-enacting big european nights on foreign soil complete with commentary until the powers-at-be closed down the operation and the Romanian Conts went back to their original use as a Driving Range Net at the Local Golf Club.

Inventions and Discoveries

It's little known that Crossford takes credit for the following inventions and discoveries:

• The Adidas Predator Football Boot Brought to the Vision of the inventor in a moment of extreme enlightenment.
• It's own Unique language Invented by 3 local lexicographers, the language extends its reaches out of Fife into Tayside and Lothian and even the odd rat-tat-Beadle can be heard on Sauchihall Street on a saturday Afternoon.