Eel

“When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s a moray”

~ Dean Martin on Eels

This article was too bizarre for Uncyclopedia,   but Illogicopedia loves random stuff.

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An Eel consuming a human being.

The eel is a once mythical creature which is now on the brink of extinction which was introduced to Colonial America in the early 1750's. Eels are not to be mistaken with electric eels, an invention of Thomas Edison, which are quite common today and may provide a cheap source of electricity in the near future.

Eels are creatures of great stealth and elusion and they are rarely seen outside of the back alleys of New York, New Orleans, Milwaukee and San Fransisco. Few have been sighted in broad daylight and there have been many gruesome stories of people being consumed by these strange creatures.

Eels in Colonial America were considered spawns of Satan, or that of Santa, either way most eels were beat to death with primitive American stone tools, some still used today in Ford factories.

History of Eels

Eels are rumored to have crawled up from the depths of Hell in the early 1750's (or from the depths of the North Pole, if you live in Milwaukee) and claimed the area to be known as New York as their own. In the early days of New York City, eels wriggled into back alleys and garbage cans and often dragged passerbys into grimey corners where they would consume their victims.

When it started to become fashionable to travel across America in covered wagons, eels came along for the ride (historians believe eels were the ones responsible for the Donner Party tragedy). After arriving in the west, eels became the original cowboy bandits, pillaging, robbing and consuming as they saw fit. Some eels created a pact with human cowboys and were used as lassos in exchange for (as written in ancient cowboy lore) "a meal of human flesh, roughly from the Lake Tahoe area," more evidence for Donner Party consumption.

Many prominent figures throughout history were indeed, eels, the most famous being Abraham Lincoln, who was mistaken for "freeing slaves" which was not his actual intent but to make "free slaves," and historians agree, Lincoln was meaning he wanted a free meal. Slaves who escaped the genocide of eel consumption made it to Canada along with the French and many other losers.