Egg sighted

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to preserve the sanity under mysterious circumstances.
The uncyc version is
here.

“Found a roach last night in my freezer, inside the mint chocolate chip ice cream to be precise. I think I'll name him Florgnumguys. ”

~ Unrelated quote guy on being egg sighted

What does it mean to be Egg Sighted?

Doctors have performed the study of being egg sighted for years. Approximately I in every 4,020,567,543,467 humans have the condition. There have been two cases that have been recorded, concerning many scientists. Many skeptics see this as a possible side effect of a hallucinogen such as nutmeg or bashing your head against a wall. However the vast majority of professionals are sure that this is its own condition, based on a doggy done in 16 by stud dents of Sgt. Betty Connolly's third grade class at MapleLodged Elementary.

When a patient does come down with Egged Sight Syndrome, also known as Ovospectranitus, they will gradually start to see common items as eggs. It will start with things like looking in the fridge, and noticing that you bought too many eggs at the store. In reality, the eggs are other items like milk, butter, pineapples, or crayons. Within a week, you will start to find eggs coming out of your nose. Or mouth. Like that one time in that movie. What was that movie called? Oh yeah. Airplane. That one was a classic.

Cases

Of the pair of cases that have been recorded, a case has been family of the drugs. The patient died from an overdose six minutes after consuming 24 spoonfuls of nutmeg and cracking his skull on a brick wall. Scientists' eggspectations (get it?!) are that the death had to do with the activities he was involved with prior to egg sightedness, and not with the egg sightedness itself. The other case was noticed in a 7-year old named Quabby Gankins. Young Quabby was prancing about in the meadows when he got overwhelmed and excited by a butterfly. He never recovered and died four years later.

Egg Sightedness in Natural Life

Apart from human spieces, this case is seen in animals from all walks of life.

Aviary Cases

Although the condition of Ovospectranitus is relatively rare in humans, it is quite common in animals such as The Great Tit, or the Blue Footed Booby. *snicker* These species of birds, that make of the homes in Australia, will lay their eggs and tend to them for weeks, sitting on them for 24 hours a day. They will do this for about 6 weeks. Studies done in 1979 by Doctor Spengloe Siztebanger show that the eggs actually hatched by week 4 of the cycle. The baby birds are completely hatched and ready to live and be fed, but the mother insists on continuing to lay on them. By the second day, often half of the fledglings are suffocated. By week 3 another quarter are dead from starvation. The last fourth have survived by eating their mother's waste. Then about one eighth are killed by infection from eating the feces. By the end of the 6 weeks, about 1.5 birds are still alive out of the 10-20 that hatched... all because their mother thought they were still eggs.

Reptilian Cases

Typhlops Brongersmianus is native to the island of Trinidad. The species reached an all time low in the spring of 1999. Three years earlier, the species had reached its height at over 7 billion per square mile. Now it is .5 per square mile. The reason being: Ovospectranitus. How the snake came down with this terrible condition, is still unknown. However, It is obvious that this is what brought them down. The invasive species came to Australia on a cruise ship and started to reproduce immediately, being the horny bastards that they are. Here they found a new prey, the Blue Footed Booby. *snicker* As previously mentioned, this bird has Ovospectranitus as well, and it appears to be contagious. The snake came down with the epidemic and their numbers dropped drastically. The troubles started on Thursday, October 23, 2001. The day known as Deathly Wednesday to most Australians.

Deathly Friday

“The blood! The carnage! THE VENOM!”

~ Traumatized worker at BombsBlow inc. on on Deathly Tuesday

Deathly Sunday occurred when every single last snake on the continent of Australia all decided to raid a factory owned by BombsBlow inc. The snakes got into the storage and immediately began to feast on them. They were under the impression that that these bombs were massive Ostrich eggs, the snakes natural prey. over all 124 workers were killed from the explosions. The venom spewing from the severed stubs that were once the snakes' heads, killed another 22. Millions of snakes died, and the company went out of business after the charges against them. This was the last company to go bankrupt from a natural disaster until British Petroleum, in 2010 when that pyromaniac whale decided to set fire to that oil rig thing.

Taking action

Optometrists, scientists, walnut farmers, and ecologists have been putting in an effort to prevent the spread of egg sightedness. Even you can help their studies. Just send $100 dollars to my paypal account. Go ahead. Email me for my paypal info. You know you want to help me get enough money to get an Ipad. No wait those things are stupid. the cause.

References

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