From Illogicopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

This article was forked from

Uncyc doodle.png

to preserve the sanity under mysterious circumstances.
The uncyc version is

Only a part of ExxonMobil's aggressive ad campaign after the Valdez tradgedy.
Imagine this, covered in gobs of 10W-30 oil, meowing in pain. Not crying yet? Welcome to ExxonMobil Public Relations!

“They're a mom and pop kind of operation, right?.”

~ Captain Oblivious on ExxonMobil

ExxonMobil is a small, struggling retirement home and oil company headquartered in Lampasas, Texas. Part owned by Ross Perot and Phil Collins, the company's publicity has been very high in the past twenty years. Office meetings and parties are filled with stunning drum solos and screaming of "Can I finish? Can I finish? Can I finish?!"

Humble Beginnings[edit | edit source]

ExxonMobil was created in 1922 from an oil company and a food preservative company having sex with each other while dick cheney watched, waited and watched. He just watched, not moving just kind of staring like a lord of the abyss, or satan

The Valdez Incident[edit | edit source]

During the Captain's drunken stupor and nightly lap dance, the Valdez wrecked in the oceans surrounding Alaska and spilled millions of gallons of oil into the sea,killing 90 quadrillion adorable little bears, oh and like the entire population of alaska but hey if one man dies, then well hes...dead. After the valdez incident ExxonMobil instigated their famous "IF we spill oil in the sea then just drop a match overboard and let those fucking otters BURN!"

Currently[edit | edit source]

ExxonMobil, at their Lampasas HQ consisting of three converted portable bank buildings,makes $473 kabazootrilbion dollars a week, and most of their earnings is spent on a legion of helper monkeys for their bedridden CEO, Jacob Neebowitz. As you can see above in our very scientific estimates, ExxonMobil is the smallest corporation ever, scraping by on bread, water and Slim Jims.

Their stock on the NYSE (symbol GREDY) has skyrocketed in the past two years to $7,654 a share. Legend has it a hobo purchased one share of ExxonMobil at $.63 in 1977 and now has a net worth of $2 billion.