Guillaume de Singe

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“Je donne d'héroïne aux enfants! Beaucoup de ça!”

“Je montrai porno pour les petits enfants regarder Vice Versa. Ha!”

Guillaume de Singe is an illcit Frenchman who generally performs illicit things, such as selling heroin as sweets for children and hacking French cinemas to show porn videos before kids films.

Early life[edit]

Guillaume de Singe was born in a rural enclave near Montpellier, France in 1963, to Jean-Marie de Singe and Ségolène de Singe (née Loup). Jean-Marie was a carrot farmer while, according to police records, Ségolène was a chronic 'cat snatcher'. de Singe's first word was 'cocaine' and at the age of two, he stole a bunch of carrots from his father and inserted them up the anuses of the cats that his mother stole.

de Singe spent most of his school life expelled, after an incident, age seven, where he glued scissors to a teacher's desk chair. The scissors pierced the teacher's trousers, pants and sphincter, requiring the teacher to undergo multiple intensive operations to his anal cavities.

Despite his mischievous behaviour, de Singe was a known autodidact in his youth, and managed to impress scholars at the University of Montpellier and did a master's degree in biochemistry, starting in 1981. This, however, was not used for legitimate purposes -- for most of his late twenties and early thirties, de Singe's main source of revenue was in the production of illegal drugs, especially hallucinogens with extraordinary effects. Within the drug industry, he was known as the French Shulgin.


Despite being a career criminal, de Singe has only spent 8 minutes in jail in July 1997, when he was arrested for possessing 9kg of crystal meth in his back garden. He escaped after drugging everyone in the Station de Gendarmerie and simply walked out the front door. de Singe's drug fame came to ruin after this point, and ever since this incident, de Singe has gone into hiding, assuming identities of little children, teachers and even Nicolas Sarkozy. This is how he has managed to commit so many crimes, all posed as different people.

In his most morbid activity, Monsieur de Singe will set up a stall at a local market, disguised as a mime artist. He will place a box near his genitals with Salut enfants ! Toucher le serpent petit ... pour seulement deux euros ! written on the front of it. We need not describe what this is about.

According to French interior intelligence, Guillaume de Singe has a net worth of at least €100,000, made through various dodgy campaigns, sale of drugs and other nuisances illegales.

He also has an online presence, in running a Tor DA7K N3T.

Personal life[edit]

de Singe has a various network of miscellaneous women that he uses. In fact, one of his known activities is pimping and he may own at least two brothels. According to a DGSI report, de Singe may spend a lot of his life abroad and not in France in order to evade prosecution. Some say that his current identity is of a Papua New Guinean islander, performing rather hooty rituals in order to get what he wants.